Give me some feedback.

Discussion in 'Music genres, Bands and Artists' started by adamBC, Jan 25, 2006.

  1. Hey everyone, im in a little band write now, we're trying to get a few original songs going. I wrote some music last night and today wrote the lyrics to a song. Id like any and all feedback you guys have, positive (yay !) and negative ( :( )


    i figure its called Save Me, but thats not for sure.


    oh, and think of it as a freeverse poem for now, because the timing to sing it along with my song is very strange, and it reads somewhat awkward if you try to put a tune to it.

    but the basic idea is, the verse is slow, each line said over a bar the is played twice, consisiting of two chords, then a single chord played for two bars with some adding on, then a really fast mutli chord chorus for 4 bars i believe...
    VERSE

    cold rain falls down as the earth cries out, to the people, of its land
    shadows mask onethousand scars from onethousand wars, fought over lines in the sand

    will somebody save me?

    brothers fight over rights to shared ideals, when will it end?
    empathetic feelings forgotten by the blind, pitting friend against friend

    will somebody save meeeee

    CHORUS

    But i know that ill be just fine on my own if i can just get a chance to save myself
    and i know that we'll learn to live without fear of our foes if only we get a chance to save ourselves


    nighttime falls as we lay here together and wait, for some sort of sign
    overcrowding the gates of hell heavens full, or atleast hard to find

    will somebody save me?

    they spread the rule and right of the land, without heeding to a word
    seeing eye for an eye through a broken lense, teaching what they cant learn

    will somebody save meeeee

    CHORUS

    cold rain falls down as the earth cries out, to the people, of its land
    shadows mask onethousand scars from onethousand wars, fought over lines in the sand

    will somebody save me?

    will somebody save me?




    so give me and ideas on what you think should be edited.




    the chorus is where i need the most, more emotional effective wording to be precise.
     
  2. sounds pretty decent...what kind of song is it? rock?
     
  3. foes is a cheezy word.
    "will somebody save me?" sounds whiny, and doesnt fit the rest of the lyrics too well.

    other than that, good stuff
     
  4. since i am in no way a song writer i have nothing to offer in terms of changing it really. I like how it sounded, in my mind anyways. I am with tdot tho, what kind of music is going to be with it? sometimes that can make all the difference.

    keep up the nice work
     
  5. Yeah might need a bit of work but its got a cool feel to it. Let us hear it when your done good luck with the band.
     
  6. You said the song was slow, in my head i was picthering it fast and it was cool haha. And im not a fan of rock (well, heavy metal, some death metal and some hardcore). But oh well, good luck with it man. :metal:
     

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