Put this one in the no shit file: Marijuana Linked to Sitting Around and Getting High The National Institute of Health released the results of a controversial new study today, one that links the drug marijuana to sitting around and getting high. The study, a comprehensive five-year survey of drug use among Americans, also suggests a possible connection between marijuana and getting baked off your ass. Aside from its uses in making cloth, providing life-saving medicine and constructing rope, the cannabis plant has also been found to get you stoned off your ass. "We have found that where there's marijuana," explained Institute spokesperson Roger Krell, "there's also a good chance of finding stoners on a couch passing around a bong." Krell added that in such situations, "There is also a strong likelihood of finding incense, a TV, and some chips, usually Ruffles." Krell would neither confirm nor deny the alleged link between marijuana and Pink Floyd's The Wall. He would confirm, however, that the album rules. "There is some seriously fucked-up shit on that album," he said. "Especially side two. Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb..." Marijuana, or "pot," as it is called on the street, is a harmless drug that helps you relax and feel mellow. Its only known side-effects are occasional uncontrollable laughter and mild hunger, or "the munchies." Not everyone agrees with the survey's findings. "Getting high is the least of marijuana's uses," said Matt Henner, President of Hemp For Victory and a total pothead. "The ancient Egyptians used hemp to build the pyramids. In the 1930s, the WPA used it to construct bridges and dams. Today it is used for medicine and as a non-polluting alternative to gasoline." Henner then admitted he was "wasted beyond belief." According to experts, drug use among 15-24 year olds is cool. "That's really the cool age to do drugs," said U.S. Drug Czar Bertrand Seaver. "When you're young, that's the thing to do. In fact, studies show that teenagers who smoke pot are far more likely to be accepted by the in-crowd." While drug use among young people is cool, experts say older people who still do drugs are losers. "A young person who does drugs is healthy and normal," said Harvard sociologist Beth Henterpen. "But if a guy's like 45, and he's still getting high, it's like, 'Get a life!'" Marijuana also has been proven to have the wonderful side-effect of enhanced sexual sensations, enabling some users to achieve transcendental states of erotic bliss. The study found that this link, however, was severely limited in many subjects because they had, due to sitting around all the time, never actually met members of the opposite sex. "But if they did," said Krell, "then it'd be amazing." So far, the study has met with formal protest by only two groups. The Alabama-based Center for the Christian Family, claimed the findings to be terribly inaccurate, noting marijuana's ability to "make users think they can fly and jump out of buildings, like on Quincy, as well as its tendency to induce demon possession, homicidal rampages, and homosexuality." Another group to object to the study was California rapping group Cypress Hill. "Marijuana's not linked to sitting around, man... It's linked to cruising the Barrio with a 40 and a 12 gauge, blowing pendejos away," said group member DJ Muggs. "Hand onna pump, puffin' on a blunt... la la la la laaaaaaaaaaa..."