Full functional blackout drunk!! weeeeeeee!

I hate no being able to smoke.

It amazes me the halfassed arseway things I accomplish when I am completely schlaggered. I WAS suppose to be going to orientation for a new job yesterday. UNTIL the trustly NJ transit service fucked me. I called ahead to be sure when exactly I was to get off the bus. Everything was set for me. so after popping a xanax to relieve me of my anixieties of riding public transportation, I noticed we werent going to the road the nice lady on the phone told me to get off at. After reevaluating the situation, I got off at a familiar street, but far from my destination. THEN after realizing I hadnt worn the right clothes "ah, fuck" out of the corner of my eye a light caught my attention. "oh, hell" so I went towards it. My problems were solved. the 19th Hole appeared. I went in, and talk about a bar right off the green. So there I drank, tried to think of reasons why I didnt make it to orientation. AH! car accident. OK problem solved. after another xanie..and about 6 or 7 pints, I staggered across the street to the Bus pickup, the good old trusty bus pickup. And this is were things got hazy for me..Somehow I made it to the destination terminal, apparently got on another bus that got me home. at home made a phone call to work, lie, bumbled over my words about a arc addicent, i think I said somthing of the such, hung up the phone, stared at a fridge full of NO BEER, stared at the keys to my dads (who is out of town) NEW truck, and the next thing I know Im in the liquor store (yeah if you havent picked up on the fact that I had to take buses cause I dont have a drivers license..yeah) (oh, for DWI!, yeah) picked up 3 40oz, paid with quarters (spent all my cash on the bus tours!) came home, did my best at parking the truck, drank the 3 40s in approx and hour and a half, popped another xanax, because, this will help make it all go away, dont you know! passed out for about an hour, got up made the biggest fucking omlet in the world, using every pan there was in the house, one for the bacon, one to fry the onions and mushrooms, one to actaully cook the omlet, and used about a quarter pound of cheese (or so I was told this morning)..after that, I got my second wind..noticed that my fish died, decided to take care of that problem right then. And the rest is history. Woke up on the couch this morning, dizzy as hell, dont remeber a goddamn thing until, I 1. go to the bathroom and the dead fish is on the bottom of the toilet, and the fish tank is in the tub. 2. Go out to get the paper, see the truck parked half assed sideways 3. as my mom sits next to the machine, my manager leave a message, "oh Im so sorry to hear you were in a car accident!" 4. the floor in the kitchen is greasy as hell, and the dishwasher is packed so high you can pull the (what are those things called anyway?) out. Its now 130, I have told approx. 22 lies today, and I just got up at noon, Im still dizzy, still a retard, and still have no idea what to do with myself.


conclusion. Pot would help me. Pot would heal me. Pot would make things allright. Pot would relieve my aniexty. Pot wouldnt make me drive illegally. Pot would relax me. Pot would make life easy for me. Pot is the answer folks.
Pot would help me be not so dizzy right now. Pot is good.

I just had to vent all this out..I have nothing else to do today, because the things I had to do I lied so much so I dont have to do them anymore. I need to be not dizzy. I need to peel myself away from this computer and maybe cook? I was thinking about cooking. Id drink, but IM BROKE. drinking isnt the answer anyway lol, but it helps you know, numb those crazy notions of being productive with my time.

aw fuck this.

but im still laughing at myself!

thanks for listening.

 

in all seriousness, I mean alcoholism runs in my family. its weird. Ive done my fair share and my friends shares of the "addictive" drugs...but I keep going back to alcohol. I know its going to be a problem, well it surely has caused enough already..I just..I dunno, like when I was smoking, thats what I wanted to do..not drink. it was so nice. I was stable. with alcohol I just feel flat out unstable and out of control sometimes. not in my head. it bugs the hell out of me that I can kill myself with booze, but cant smoke natures wonderful creation, something that doesnt make me want to go out and be dumb and destructive..

 

lol ....thaaaaaanks. I like em!

 

last night my dad picked me up from work. hes been on vacation for a week and he said lets go grab a beer. his way of saying lets catch up. after thinking a lot of how I wanted to take a break from drinking for a while..give my body the break, I said alright anyway. He kind of thinks like I dont want to hang out with him, catch up and kind of hurts his feelings if I hadnt of went...its like our way, actually the only way that we actaully yalk and communicate. through, with alcohol. its the only thing we have in common. after a few drinks he starts in on politics and shit and the conversation went sour when (you know how the truth comes out when your drinking) we got on the topic of disease. I told him I feel like alcoholism is a disease and he stubbornly told me that it isnt. I was actually trying to see if he would read between the lines but he wasnt even listening enough to understand my point of view. he thinks that if its something you do to yourself, (alcohol, cutting, bulimeia, anirexia, etc) then you are just to weak as a person. I wanted to knock him off the fucking barstool. he doesnt see my views he barely lets me get them across, and I even said this is why you dont know me!! he quickly changes the subject to avoid it. it drives me nuts. I dont care, but it drives me nuts to think that drinking is the only thing that can get us to talk and its impossible to talk about anything at the point anyway with him.
so it ended up, we came back home to watch the late football game and I just keeeeept drinking. he passed out, he was drinking before he even picked me up and I was just still so mad. popped a few xanies and I finally passed the fuck out.
THE FUNNY part of the whole situation...I did have to laugh at this, being my own known stupidity..I thought I had bought 4 40oz that night I took his truck..but the bag had three in it when I got in the house. already a little fuzzy, I figured I just got three. Well the few days before he got home, I walked around thinking I wonder if he'll notice that I took the truck...feeling pretty stupid and guilty..WELL dumbass me apparently did buy 4 40ozs. hahaha. guess where the other one was?!?!

 

be on your toes hahaha...I try but usually end up on my face..

 

thanks guys..I really do want to keep it clean for a while..I know I do feel better when I dont drink for a while. Its so frustrating not being able to smoke. But Im thinking I need to get into shape physically and my mind clear too for when boot camp rolls around. thats not till Feb. but its would be good to start working on myself now..it drives me nuts that my entire family is dependent on drinking..you know, its not a party without drinking!
I am going to try to keep the urge down, keep myself busy and work out a HELLA lot. plus, I just got a new job which is going to take up a lot of my time and got odd hours sometimes pullin the night shift..