So to start this off I'll give you all a little background info. I'm 20yrs old, I go to college, I live with the 'rents, and I don't have a job. As far as school is concerned I'm doing alright and as for my social life it's fine too. I smoke almost daily with my friends and have a good time most of the time. For a while now I have been having really fucked up thoughts and it's starting to cloud my state of being. I'm a spiritual man and have a shaman teacher who teaches me the "ways of life" I guess you can say. I went from depressed to feeling ecstatic and thankful to wake up every morning. That has begun to fade and I can't help but think that we're here for nothing special. The first cell ever created didn't have to absolutely be made. What the fuck are we? Was god so bored that created it all for his amusement? Does anything really fucking matter at all? I wonder, if this world is made up of 2 sides which are: good and evil. Does it matter which side you're on? I mean one needs the other to exist...which one's bad? and evil=Live backwards. I have no true reason to think like this...my family is great, friends are too, girls come easy, financially ok, and I'm not failing at life. I just can't stop thinking that we're useless. I'm not suicidal although I wouldn't mind dying even though I know what would happen if I did and again it would be pointless to have done so. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I used to wish I could wake up and be 30 years old so that I could skip all this bullshit and wake up married, settled, and with kids...but I realized that just because your age changes and your body ages it doesn't mean your mind grows older. I don't know how the fuck to change my perspective on life anymore. I don't want to live anymore but suicide is not an option. This world and its narrow-minded people are pathetic. I want to leave so bad. Will I ever get out of this state of mind?! Just venting, thanks for reading.