For those who have taken their own life

I've been thinking about you... I know it may be strange that I didn't know you very well, but I can not help but feel a connection with you, perhaps it is our connections as human beings or perhaps it has to do with the way you left us.

Recently my life has been overwhelmingly harsh, and that notion of ending my life has become all to real. It makes me not only respect you but also wish I had been there for you, and all those with the same mindset.

It saddens me to think what your last thoughts may have been. Were you crying? Were you smiling? Did you feel emotion at all? Could it have been prevented? Too many questions that only make me feel worse.

And those affected... your friends, family, peers, us... It saddens me to suggest the idea that you are selfishly mourned... Are those around you sad due to the fact you are gone, or do they truly feel for you? Is empathy non-existent? Have they honestly considered your mindset, your actions, your physical emotions and feelings leading up to your death?

Would it not be considered that you experienced pain, severe enough to put such terrible thoughts into your head, that you wanted closure? Clarity? The solution to such an ongoing issue? The detrimental toll of a life lived with honest feeling, experience, emotion, absolute tangible thought. I find an underlying respect you that is beyond measure.

And does any of that matter to you? After all, you are gone, and the emotions that once were, now are not. Those thoughts, that once existed, suddenly ended. A once thriving being, almost a mechanical being, a self destruct button created and activated by the machine itself. The brain that turned itself off.

But what is existence? For one to truly be real must he not experience that thought itself? The greatest oxymoron of all time, being thoughts themselves?

It is self-evident that no man, woman, child, animal, or creature with feelings to any extent, is truly deserving of such pain. Emotional or physical. But without such pain we can not experience such joy that is love. For this we have none to blame but the universe itself - Not science, not evolution, not the human mind, not each other. For science is only the reasoning behind an illogical dimension, a contradictory cluster of beautiful agony.

I can not speak for you, as you are gone, but I like to think the best of you. I apologize if your death has been used by others, for I often fear this very thing. In even posting this I feel as though I do not deserve, do not even have the right, to speak as if I knew you.

RIP. Rest in pure, serene, painless, peace.

 

If you are reading this letter it was not written for you.

Sorry, it is a depressing topic. But I totally agree, people always talk about suicides and say things like "They just thought they were more depressed than they were" or "Things would have gotten better if they had just waited a few months" but I don't tend to agree with that.

Mostly because, if you are hurt enough to end your own life, it doesn't matter what you might feel months from now, what matters is that you are in that much pain right now. It doesn't matter if you shouldn't be that depressed, or you only think you are that depressed, because you are still experiencing the pain and suffering the damage.

I have only one friend who has been suicidal to a point of taking his life, thankfully he lived, but he himself can not describe how he felt leading up to his attempt. He once told me it was, "Emotional suffering indescribable by words in the English language"

You aren't even worth the time it took me to type this post.

I agree. Ending your life is one of the most courageous yet also the most cowardly things you can do.

However, I can not get angry at those who are afraid. I have no anger for individuals who could not handle life. Never was life requested, nobody asked to live here, perhaps some are just better off to not exist.

Sometimes I wonder if that applies to me as well.

 

But is a permanent solution not the ideal one for some people? Terribly enough I think it definitely is for some..

I think often that temporary problem is not so temporary. Also, the fact it is temporary could perhaps be irrelevant if the pain is too severe. I live my life in a 100% constant state of sadness and negativity. I enjoy my life, but I can very easily put a negative perspective on any situation and I find it very easy to be a pessimist (but also quite easy to be an optimist). If I were surrounded by more negativity and corruption (if that is even possible..) things might not be so easy to enjoy.

I reached a fairly melancholy point in my consciousness in which I realized that I will never see things clearly and I will constantly be surrounded by corruption. I feel I am becoming constantly detached from my emotions themselves and admittedly I fear depression. I feel as though I am witnessing my life take place rather than living it myself and experiencing these feelings. The fear of pain has overcome the fear of death and I have reached a point of severe mental-instability.

So for somebody experiencing pain more severe, a permanent solution is exactly what one might desire.

No more pain, no more suffering, no more sorrow. I'm not suggesting anybody do such a thing, and I would implore anyone who considers such to message me and tell me absolutely ANYTHING on your mind. Please do.

I am here for the people, the fate of society (you reading this included) is one of the only real things holding me back from doing something very drastic. After all, what does any of this matter when I am no longer with the world? I have one token to spend, however I can just as easily throw away the quarter and never begin the game.

But I wouldn't do that. Those without this mindset of mine do not deserve such a fate. I have the solution to many a problem and dammit somebody out there, somebody breathing right now, they need to know. Perhaps it is not my job to be a mentor, perhaps I am not fit to do so in the first place, but I will put the little amount of will I have into helping others.

That is why I have made it my goal to positively influence as many individuals as possible. I hope very much that those reading this may find guidance or acceptance in what I have written and I appreciate the consideration of those reading this. This post probably appears to be a cry for help, but I wish nothing from anybody as you owe me nothing. Contradictory as it may seem, I am quite fine and content without help from others and I simply do not want it. I solve things much more effectively on my own than I do with any help from others. It seems I have been isolated by my insecurities.

Again, thank you for reading my long nonsensical tangent. I currently exist only for you.

(I question whether anything I say is meaningful or if instead I sound psychotic)