First time high and depersonalization

Hey guys. You've all probably read hundreds of topics about desperate people looking for some info regarding depersonalization and how smoking weed "triggered" it, but nevertheless, I think I could use some advice too. I'm desperate.

I'm 19 and just a week ago I got high for the first time. I was with two other friends and I was pretty excited seeing as after doing a lot of research on weed and its positive effects I was finally going to experience it.

I took about 4-5 hits off a joint I poorly rolled for the three of us. We are all newbies when it comes to weed, smoking techniques and parafernalia so it wasn't much of a surprise that I struggled for about 20 minutes trying to roll a joint; but eventually I did it.

I must admit I was quite nervous right when I was about to light it and take the first hits, but I managed to inhale it well and after the 4th hit I passed it.

10 minutes after, just when my friends finished taking their hits, the THC hit me. At first, I wasn't even expecting to get high (I'm a newbie so I thought I wouldn't even inhale it properly) so I wasn't really aware that I was getting high.

I realized then that there was something wrong my head, focus and perception. I stared at the table just wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I couldn't move my head and eyes rapidly or normally, so I freaked out, my heart was pounding like crazy, and so out of panic I asked one of my friends if I was high, just to check that it was just the THC and not some parallel dimension that I thought I had crossed. He didn't reply back to me and he was with this calming smile, so I instantly resolved that we were all high and so I sat back and we were all silent, staring hypnotized at any object. I managed to calm myself up and then I resorted to my thoughts, which were echoing "relax, you're high, just smile and enjoy it with some music".

I put on my earphones and listened to a Fleet Foxes song. I was astonished at how vivid the music sounded from within my earphones, and I swore I could differentiate clearly between every instrument in the song. It truly felt like a concert.

Some of the things I experienced while high were that I thought I was living in some slow-motion reality and every time I talked it felt like my voice wasn't coming from within myself. I felt like my only real company was my mind.

After two hours or so we went to my room and played some GTA V. Again everything seemed much more detailed and vivid in the game but my short memory and focus were so off that I couldn't remember anything I did a minute ago. Then, my friends were hit by the munchies so we ordered some Burger King. Even though they seemed very hungry, I was pretty much the contrary. I had no appetite whatsoever so I couldn't even reach my burger to my mouth without feeling nauseous. That day I didn't eat anything after getting high.

Two hours later, my friends went home and since there was nothing left to do, I went to bed, watched some TV and fell asleep. In total, I was high for around 7 PM to 11:30 PM.

The next morning I was somehow relieved that I wasn't high anymore and that I could move my eyes and head as quick as I wanted to. I felt sober. However, things got worse from there on when I realized I still couldn't focus well when my parents and brother were talking. I had lost my "multitasking" ability that day.

Later that day, the depersonalization bug bit me. It felt like the world around me was fake or a dream. I felt like my mind and body were two completely different things and I was detached from myself. I had a full blown existential and philosophical debate in my head and for some reason I concluded that I was living in an unreal world or that I was really stuck in a dream. I was devastated. I felt extremely regretful of ever smoking weed because I thought I would be stuck in a mindset of reality negation forever.

The next three days were the worse. Every morning I would wake up wondering if I had snapped out of that dreamlike reality, but then my mind would instantly assume it was all unreal, virtual and that I was in fact alone. All of this made it difficult to think straight and it made me feel really anxious, desperate and sick. My appetite went completely off during those days and I had trouble swallowing tea; not to mention solid food.

The next days I had finally fixed my appetite and I could eat normally, though my mind was still dreamy and my overall mood was still distorted by this depersonalizing feeling. I could cope with it during the day but the existentialist lapses would hit me really hard at night.

Now, it's been exactly a week and I feel generally better. Those anxiety attacks that would happen when my mind would "remember" that I was living in an unreal, meaningless life have seemed to disappear almost entirely, but my mood is still the same. I feel depressed, hopeless and still feel stuck within my thoughts whenever I think about depersonalization. I've reached a mindset of conclusions that state that life is indeed meaningless and so I can't seem to enjoy anything. I feel attacked by these thoughts that cancel any chance of pleasure from futile things that before were so normal and now are object of existential debates. I honestly feel hopeless, frustrated and bad.

Now, the weed I smoked wasn't laced. I could tell it didn't have anything weird in it when I grinded it. All it had was a strong, sweet and citric smell to it.

In respect of me, I'm a short and really underweight guy. I assume the THC hit me much harder than my peers considering my weight. I was fully high for over 4 hours. My metabolism is strictly fast so maybe that contributed to the long-lasting effect, but I'm not completely sure.

Since my teenage years I've been a person of weird moods, but I've always been an overall melancholic guy. I remember I was even suicidal in my 15's because of my introverted and shy personality. I was and still am insecure about my physical appearance so that only brought me even further down. My self-esteem has always been quite low. The problem is, I've never been to a professional so I don't know if there's some form of depression running inside me. I'm generally confused about myself and I've always been a cold-hearted person. I have trouble expressing and receiving emotions.

Now, if you have read it all, I really, sincerely thank you. If you can help me with some enlightment regarding depersonalization and weed then I will be truly grateful. I just want to know if this DP will ever go away and if it is normal among first time smokers. I really need some advice on this and if there's anything you'd like to ask just say it. I'm frustrated and I need some help.

Thank you all.

 

Thank you all for the feedback, highly appreciated. To be honest, I never thought being high would actually turn out like it did. I did enjoy it at times, specially when I was playing GTA. Throwing myself from a plane and skydiving in the game feels really nice when high.

Anyway, it comforts me to know that some of you have actually experienced something similar, if not depersonalization itself. Apart from just relaxing, what else should I do to dissipate the existentialist pessimism? Anything that works as a direct optimistical boost is appreciated.

As far as singleplayer goes, it is undoubtedly excellent. It delivers everything the trailers promised so it is really worth a shot. You may or may not like the story, but anyhow it is complete, dynamic and fun. The map is massive, specially the wildlife zones. Mt. Chilliad is one of my favorite places as well.

Any feedback regarding the depersonalization episodes are really appreciated!

 

Hey, thank you. Highly appreciated. It feels great to know that someone has actually gone through something similar. Would you catalogue what you felt during your 14's as depersonalization?

I might be over-reacting, but I think that some aspects of my emotional background have been severely distorted; specially those associated with sadness and generally "downward" moods. Like I said before, I've always been a naturally melancholic guy. In a way I've always felt comfortable while being sad or just plain depressed. It felt like that defined me; I know it might sound morbid, but being sad actually enabled my true personality and creativity. I simply felt normal when sad or melancholic.

Now, after smoking for the first time and having that "semi-bad" high my "naturally sad mood" has been almost shut down. It's not that I don't like being happy, it's just that now whenever I tend to feel sad just to let my intellectual and creative side come out, I feel anxious and desperate to come out of that sadness. It doesn't quite feels normal now. The existentialist-depersonalization issue seems to take over my head completely whenever I'm not busy and let my mind render thoughts on its own. I just can't have those lonely, have-a-thought moments that I once naturally had without being imploded by this depersonalization and anxiety thing. I really want to go back to how I was before ever smoking for the first time. I feel like crap.

 

*Bumping and updating this thread.*

Hey everyone, it has been well over a few weeks and I'm definitely improving. Looking back at the depersonalization I thought I would permanently attach to myself, I realized I was (and still am) really paranoid about deconstructive and generally things that are on the edge of trivial and meaningless; depersonalization being one of those things.

Now, as a retrospective, I must thank all of you for sharing your support; it feels great to know that I was ultimately not alone. Marijuana, though that first time has also been the only time I ever smoked, has also improved myself in the sense that now I think in a much more in-depth perspective; not when it comes to philosophy, but rather when it comes to me. It also made me realize that there are some underlying traces of depression that are potentially linked to my paranoia. I was never aware I've been such a paranoid person in life until the depersonalization hit me and begun to dissipate.

Now I'll be working on improving myself; little by little. I've been looking forward to try hardcore meditation in order to achieve a better sense of myself. I think I've had enough of a global and social sense, which has sadly enabled all my negativity. I'm slowly starting to become more aware of my existence and correlation with reality. Already reading some Buddhism, Hinduism and Taoism content over the internet. It's great stuff!
 

 
That is exactly how I interpret my perception of reality and its sides of corruption and malice. Moreover, that state of awareness is what got me hooked up on a negative state of mind that I somehow morbidly embraced. Now I feel regretful and dumb. Marijuana helped me to realize that I must re-encounter with my persona; some cables that have been set apart in disorder that I must plug back in.

 

Thank you all for the input on this thread, really helpful stuff.

Since most of you have been referring specifically to the emotional relation with weed and how depression is such a massive and uncertain condition that will be mostly altered by weed (be it for good or not), I will be giving out some more info regarding my emotional background. Also, writing these posts really help me to come at ease with my mind and just basically let my thoughts blow out when I ''don't need them'', so thank you all for being part of this community; really great people around here.

I've realized that most of my emotional downsides are founded within doubts. I've never had a concrete experience or multiple experiences that actually devised my self-diagnosed-for-over-seven-years depression; instead, I've come to the conclusion that I've just built myself up on omens of what could happen in certain situations. That is, after all, pretty much anxiety. The problem is that I believe I have turned myself down ''for the sake of it''; that, if you look at myself from a very superficial way. I have built up my negativity almost entirely on insecurities; not the teenage ''how do I look today'' ones of course.

By insecurities, I mean that I usually find myself constantly analyzing how society and everyone works. I've had thoughts that my mere existence is so tiny and irrelevant in social scales that I almost always convince myself that I'm not good enough for anything; like the fact that I'm here and there is a community of people that surround me makes me irrelevant. I truthfully don't know when all of this inferiority complex issue started, but I can surely tell that it wasn't triggered by something objective (such as bullying), but rather because of my constant pessimist perception of my integrity against life.

 

Appreciated. I will surely be looking forward to spirituality in essence. Like you mentioned in your earlier post; Hinduism and Buddhism might be great content regarding our stance in Earth, but it does not hold nor entitle a linear, unique truth. Meditation and spirituality are subjects that I'm really keen on. I've always been what you would classify as an atheist, but I've never really considered myself anything that stands a clear position or statement regarding religion and/or life.
I would self-denominate myself as a nontheist, a disinterested one tbh. I believe that in order to call oneself an atheist or someone who ascribes to a certain religion, one must go through a process of questioning, pondering and eventually comforting over a certain religion or religion in general. I've never dedicated some time to really think about myself in a religious way, so I prefer not to call myself an atheist (who are usually associated with science) but rather someone who just hasn't pondered too well in respect of religion and God.

 

You're right; I did refer to ''THC hitting me'' when elaborating my initial post. My bad. I guess I was just too overwhelmed seeing as I was literally having a depersonalization attack that brought me so down that I had to come up with some venting, regardless of the thoroughness I tried to write in. I did know beforehand that marijuana contains multiple other components that add to the high (depending, though not solely, on the strain), so I'm really sorry that I did not specify that in my post. Thanks for your advice as well, I will surely be using it for future posts.

 

Thank you for your clarification. It really was a frightening experience for me, seeing as I'm really not used to taking risks (in the sense of experimenting; not that marijuana is dangerous, in fact I believe that the least thing about it is danger based on the researches I've done on it) nor altering myself in a drastic way. You're right, I guess I just took too many hits and based on my super low weight, that might have contributed to an even intenser and longer-lasting effect. On top of all that, I just think that I really need to clear my mind out on its emotional whirlwind before going all excited on weed.
And lastly, I for sure didn't lose any hope in weed! Haha, that's really out of my ideals. I'm practically all about letting people know about the corruption that was followed upon the anti-weed propaganda; only for big pharmacies and industries of all sorts to climb up on their avaricious plan of subordinating people to consume off their products and whatnot. Anyway, highly appreciated!
 
 

I'll make sure to watch it. It's great that you feel like you can relate to me almost entirely. Now, I'm not completely sure if I really enjoyed being high, or if it was just pure excitement based on expectations... I don't know. I do know that I really wish I didn't have any of my anxiety and depression issues so I could just enjoy a hit or two while having a good time. Thank you for sharing your introspective about weed and yourself, and I hope any sort of problems regarding your addicted feeling to weed disappear.