Finding another

People have come and gone throughout my life, and for a long time this would often bother me. I couldn't understand why I'd get so affected by having people who I thought I'd made a connection with, not choose to continue doing so.

I've come to accept that even though I'd always wanted a partner, or thought I did, at least I liked the idea of regular sex, I just couldn't find someone who could see me for who I really was. I didn't know it takes time to do so. I just thought that having sex with a person I was really attracted to was as nice as it needed to get. But it quickly, sometimes very quickly, became something I didn't want anymore. I realised that the relationship/partner/friends aspect was way more important to me than just the sex thing, yet that was so much harder to get right. I wasn't ready to commit to understanding why.

I eventually came to feel that being unattached would be best, and certainly when I've felt completely free, I've had some of the most amazing experiences of my life. Yet, I always came to feel something was missing. The idea of sharing my life with another, perhaps one special person, perhaps even being a father, became something I'd keep opening to, and that's what always stopped me from staying that way.

I had to look at myself and my motives really deeply. I needed to know the real reasons for what I did, and if they were not quite what I thought they were, honestly accept them, and then intend to learn and 'be better'.

I've met people who I consider brothers (with women, the sexual tension often makes it more difficult to see them just as sisters only). By brothers I mean blokes who are kindred spirits. People who, for a short time, I connect with on a deep emotional level, that feels far more real.

What these people showed me was both what it feels like to be really open, without fear, and how to move on properly when things were over. The latter was alway harder to do. I treasure those times because they gave me so much.

I didn't know whether being with Sarah was right for me. I knew what I felt, but I also knew that my feelings change so easily too. And the journey of learning to be around her hasn't been smooth. It also changes the way people see me. I'm less of an 'I' and more of a 'we' in their eyes, while in reality we try to see our highest selves, without losing who we are in the process. It's not easy to do this but it's the only way to make it real.

I must see her as the goddess. I have to see her as she sees me. The more I do so the clearer she gets, and then I can love her without losing who I am, what I want, need, or feel to do.

Of course, a relationship is all about compromise, but the mistake I used to make was making being in love a complete surrender, where I lost the sense of who I was, and by the time I realised I'd done this, it always seemed too late to get back.

 

It's not fear of attachment because I'm afraid of getting hurt, but when I become attached to anything, whether it's a person, an idea, whatever, it causes me to change in a way that leads to confusion and ultimately suffering. Buddhism, for example, reveals how attachment and suffering go hand in hand, and teaches a way out of both. Doesn't that make more sense?

Well, I don't know about that, which is why I'm exploring this idea. Can I be whole with her? Can I be whole with anyone? And if I think I can, doesn't that imply that something must be missing that unless I find I'll always be incomplete?

The idea of a soulmate sounds great, but anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows you need to do a lot of work, even if you're really compatible.

 

The thing is, I don't believe I can feel that kind of attachment without losing something we can't afford to give away. I have to find a way that doesn't involve the traditional idea of attachment, while still being real. For me, being a father matters more. For a long time we had to surrender our own wants and needs for our daughter. She was the reason we were together. You could say we had an arranged marriage, and in becoming a family, the difficulties of learning to be in relationship have taught me a lot about who I am. Perhaps I could never have found this piece without it.

So in choosing to learn this, we've taken a journey that has opened the door to things I never expected, and I'm much better for it.

 

There's a difference between losing her and letting her go. If she went because she no longer wanted you, you might suffer if you still wanted her. But if you'd had enough, or you knew it was for the best, there's no reason to suffer if she goes.

We all know that relationships don't always last, and maybe that's how it has to be, at least until you find the right reason to be in one. There are many reasons that people enter into and then stay in relationships, and unless you have the right reasons, and you need to know yourself very well to know what they are, you may end up becoming attached to something just because it fulfils a need, not because it's right.

 

Becoming a father was a very conscious decision. The first time I made love with her mother was to consciously open to her coming.

Not a relationship per se, just one based on attachment. It takes away each person's ability to feel free to grow and move in any direction. Most relationships end up with the other person believing they always have a say in what each one does regardless.

 

nathann, I merely referred to buddhism as an example of where attachment and any suffering that ensues are seen as something to be let go of, not because I am a buddhist or have tried to follow this teaching.

So, can I give you some examples?

The falling in love aspect of a relationship, which is so heady and all consuming, doesn't last. When it fades, what's left exactly? If the relationship was based on sex, or sex played a big part from the beginning, in many cases it breaks. But that's fine. The vibrational state of the two people is too low anyway. However, if the connection was something deeper than just physical, and the couple have come together and had children, this union should hopefully hold things together through the more difficult times, so that in dealing with what arises, rather than running away from it, they both grow. That's the aim of a marriage as I see it.

But, in my experience, most people in a relationship, end up falling into one form of power struggle or another. This is due to their lack of real personal development before it begins, and leaves plenty of room for selfishness, jealousy, unresolved previous relationship issues, stuff from childhood, insecure feelings, and more, that ends up getting in the way. The relationship can be abusive, possibly even violent, and it may even continue far longer than is healthy.

That's one aspect of attachment.

But what about where two people are compatible on many levels, get each other, laugh at similar things, enjoy spending time with one another, look after each other? They have developed to a point where they see life from a clearer perspective and can appreciate the differences that each bring to the table, without needing to merge them into one 'soul'.

The idea of attachment causing problems, stems from not understanding how to allow the other to be free to do what they will. That because you're invested in this thing called relationship, as a result, you have an opinion on what your partner wants, to the point where you can be affected if they choose to do something you don't really approve of. This attachment removes objectivity. It gets in the way of what's right, and the only way to resolve it is either to attempt to control each other, which is what most people do, or leave.

I seem to have gone on a bit and I'm not sure if I've answered you. If I really want something and discover I can't have it, my attachment to fulfilling my desire is what causes me to suffer, not my not getting the object of that desire per se. I can learn to let go of these attachments and desires, accept things as they are, and see myself and my life more clearly, and if I do, I can let go of suffering along the way.

I'll have to leave it there for now.

 

I wanted to draw attention to this part, and have adjusted it slightly as well, as I feel those who replied may have drawn the wrong inference.

We use the word 'falling' in love for a reason.

We each walk a spiritual path, and that path should be leading towards the understanding and connecting with truth or god or whatever you call it.

If we give away that part of us that must always look 'up', so to speak, when entering into a relationship, without understanding that we must replace it with something that is just as sacred, we will always lose it or suffer until we do it differently.

 

Bump aimed @ nathann

 

You may not be nathann, but you'll definitely do!

You're closer than anyone else.

 

There are times when the lifting into new heights feels obvious, while at other times, hell can creep up so quietly that before you know it, you're in it again.

 

Sounds a little bit like Bon Jovi

The lyrics seem to be that because we feel pain as a result of love, we'd better not feel love again as it will only cause pain again.

I can understand why someone would feel that way, I know I have. But, they're not sentiments I can really relate to anymore. Without feeling pain, I'm not sure I would ever come to understand myself properly.