Fave jokes

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by BubbleFunker, Feb 7, 2008.

  1. One of my faves by a Canadian comic named Sean K. I can't remember his name, but I loved his joke:

    "I met my wife in a bar. She was at the far end of the bar, so I thought I'd come on to her.. . .
    I didn't know I could shoot that far!" "Rummmmf!!!!" :eek:

    Don't know why, but it gets me. :D
     
  2. there's these two sperm swiming along, and one says to the other,
    "how far is it to the egg yet?"
    and the other responds,
    "oh it's not for miles yet...
    ...we've only just passed the tonsils".
     
  3. 3 dudes are at a bar and they're really fucken drunk. they start talking
    about penis sizes and argue over whose is biggest. so after enough drinks, they all whip it out to compare sizes. then a gay dude walks by and says "Jesus, I came for the drinks, not the buffet"
     
  4. What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.
     
  5. What's the difference between a Rooster, and a gay surfer?

    A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo!"

    A gay surfer says, "Dude-a-cock'll-do!" Fer Sure.
     
  6. "I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever." -Mitch Hedberg
     
  7. Every morning I wake up and see that beautiful face, that sexy body, that hottie! Man I gotta move that mirror of my ceiling .


    Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside. If it's BIG, put 3 big fingers inside. RUB it UP n' DOWN! Get it in nice n' wet! ...Yea that's how you wash a cup..you pervert!


    A cat falls in the pool. A rooster laughs, moral of the story...a wet pussy makes a cock happy!


    Beer: $10
    Bag of Weed: $20
    Condoms: $2.75.
    Finding out she swallows and has no gag reflex..
    PRICELESS!
    -Fuck mastercard, it pays to Discover!
     
  8. "Sex with me is like taking the SATs:
    Be punctual,
    you can begin when I say it's time,
    do as much as you can,
    and when your time's up,
    I'll tell you when to put your little pencil down." :)
     
  9. "Why is it that when you have long hair, people always think you smoke pot. Why can't having long hair relate to something different? You know, like cake! Ya ma, so a person would be like...Damn, that fucker likes cake."
    Mitch Hedberg

    "Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right."
    Mitch Hedberg
     
  10. Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)
     
  11. lol

    A baby seal walked into a club.
     
  12. Two fish run into a concrete wall, one turns to the other and says "Damn!".
     
  13. how many elephants can you fit inside a volkswagen?


    duh, two in the front, two in the back.



    how do you know if an elephant's been in your refrigerator?


    there's tracks on the pie.



    how do you know if two elephants have been in your refrigerator?


    all the chocolate milk is gone.



    how do you know if three elephants have been in your refrigerator?


    there's no more dr. thunder.



    how do you know if four elephants have been in your refrigerator?




















    theres a volkswagen parked out front.
     
  14. How can ya tell the toothbrush was invented in Louisiana?

    If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush
    ---
    How are old people and slinky's similar?

    They're both fun to push down stairs.
    ---
    Two sausages are in a frying pan.
    Says on to the other: 'Don't you think it's gettin a bit hot in here?'
    Responds the other: 'Blimey! A talking sausage! I'll be rich!'
    ---
    Two fish are in a tank

    One says, I'll drive....you man the gun.
    ---
    Why do tampons have strings?...so after you eat you can floss.
    ---
    I like my women like I like my scotch...Twelve years old and mixed up with coke.



     
  15. What do gay horses eat?
    Haaaaaaay!
     
  16. How do you make a baby drink??

    put it in a blender

    Sorry this next one is long but good.


    A gir l is sitting at the bar alone and a slightly drunk man walks up to her and says: "Can I buy you a drink?"
    She replies: "No thanks, my b/f is in the back shooting pool and wouldn't like that"
    So the guy sits down the bar from her. A few minutes later he approaches her again:
    "Can I give you a kiss then?" he asks
    Annoyed the woman says "No!! I already told you to leave me alone, next time I'm getting my b/f!"
    The guy apoligizes and returns to his seat
    About 2 minutes late he approaches the woman again.
    "You know what I really want to do?" He asks the woman
    "What" She says.
    "I'd really like to pour beer in your snatch and drink it out." He says
    "Oh my god!" Replies the woman.
    "That's it I'm telling my b/f right now and hes gonna kick your ass for saying that."
    She storms off to the backroom to tell her b/f.

    "Some guy is trying to buy me drinks and won't leave me alone" She tells him.
    The b/f starts taking off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.
    "He also said he wanted to kiss me" She tell him
    "I'll take care of him" says the b/f
    "He also said he wanted to pour beer in my snatch and drink it out!"
    "Oh" Says the b/f as he puts his jacket back on.
    "Well aren't you gonna go beat him up?" She asks.
    "I'm not fucking with a guy that can drink that much beer!!" He replies.
     
  17. Never ask a hippy for the time,. . . .unless you have the time for their answer. . .:hippie:

    It's a sick world, and I'm a happy gal! Woo-hoooooo!
     
  18. little april was asleep in her class.
    the teacher decided to try & catch her out & asks "tell me april,who created the universe?",when april did'nt stir her friend little johnny jabbed her in the back with a pen, "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted april.
    a little later the teacher again tries to catch her out & asks her "who is the saviour?",johnny again prods her with his pen & april shouts "JESUS CHRIST".
    now the teacher was determined to catch her asleep & asks "what did eve say to adam after she had their 23rd child?" johnny again comes to the rescue & jabs april,who screams "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONCE MORE,I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF & SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR ARSE!!!"............the teacher fainted.:)
     
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