Ego death....

Well first of all, I want to say this is my first actual post on grasscity and for some time I have wanted to post this and get everyone's opinion on it but I have just been way too busy lately and have not had a chance... but here goes

So a few months ago... almost a year ago actually, was my first experience, my lasxt experience and every experience in between... let me explain

Me and about six friends were all chilling about a week prior to this day and decided that on this beautiful day, according to the weather channel, we would all like to go visit my friend's friend, Lucy. So we did...; and this was my first time seeing her, I was really hyped to meet her and all I could think about for that week was finally seeing her. I did so much research and read so many reports, I thought I was ready! Note, that this was literally about a week or two right after "where life begins", I didn't think about it thought because I was so hyped to meet her. My friend who introduced me to her said he found her at where life begins and brought her back. Cool! Or so I thought... she was a bodybuilder and he said she weighed about 300 microphones. This was my first time ever, so I literally didn't even know what he was really talking about. Anyways, the day comes around and we finally all get together and go to the park. On our way there I ate a smartie... about fifteen minutes later I ate another because I was like... wtf this is bunk (right?) so I was pretty disappointed and decided to eat my last one. For a total of three, or so I thought, each smartie was double dosed. After about another 15 minutes of sitting in the grass waiting for it to come on, I clearly remember slowly looking around and then looking directly ahead of me and saying "you guys, I think we have to head back to the apartment... really soon". So we headed back and I could feel something coming on, I didn't know what I was looking for though so I thought I was just still high from the bowls earlier.

We finally get back to the complex and walk towards the door, as we are coming up to the door everything started to become really really vibrant, so vibrant infact that it was almost like I had no more peripheral vision, I could only see right infront of me, like tunnel vision. Not ten or fifteen seconds into the door.... "oh shit".... I went into my room with my buddies and sat down and tried to relax for a minute, I was starting to have anxiety because I didn't know what was about to happen.
I pulled out my weed and sat in my chair, just chillin like okay this is strange and everything is strange... strangeness everywhere. I loaded the bong and took a fat rip... faaaat rip, it pretty much killed me lol, anyways I was like wtf how did I take such a fat rip I was not even hitting it that hard, I guess I was not thinking about it while I was hitting it, I don't know, but as soon as I blew out the smoke everything just fucked its self hardcore. Me and my friends were all sitting in there, but all I remember in that particular time of the trip was me in my gaming chair, my buddy tony and my brother in law. We were sitting in a triangular shape, just looking around and passing the bong... smoking and smoking and smoking, literally I think we smoked about a dub to our faces in about 15 minutes without even thinking about it. I decided that I needed to take a break from smoking because I was coughing too much and getting too hot with everyone around. But instead of leaving the room, I sat there and stared forwards for about ten minutes. My friends were all talking to me and looking and me and whatnot but I couldn't hear anything they were saying... I felt like I was dreaming. Tony's face was now flat, there was no dimention to it at all. And his face was not moving, it had this fat smiley expression stuck on it and whenever he moved, his body would move but his face would not, it would leave tracers and then snap back to his body... like a cartoon, when he moved his face stayed for a second and then caught back up to him like a rubber band, I was like.... whoa... I didn't know what the fuck to think. Now everything started to leave tracers, as a matter of fact everything was a tracer. My friend took a picture of me in this state and showed me afterwards, I was sitting there with a blank look on my face and my jaw dropped open like holy shit and my eyes were blacker than black. Typical I guess... but yeah so I was like wtf and decided to leave the room.

Now this is where it gets weird.

I went into the living room where my roommate was playing modern warfare 2 and sat down on the couch and started watching.. it was so confusing that a game where you run around and kill people to earn points and rewards could be entertaining, so I asked him if I could try so that I could find out for myself why it was fun, but that was a terrible idea. I started playing and a few minutes later someone on xbox live yelled out of the TV and I thought they were talking to me, so I started talking back to them and was actually trying to have a conversation with this person for about a minute, there were not responding properly and I was getting very confused so I gave the controller back to my friend, but not before looking to my left and seeing my brother in law sitting next to me.... "I am tripping balls dude.,... what the fuck" I told him... "me too dude hahahaha" he said back. That is the last thing I remember before my possible ego death. I was peaking really hard at this point, the body high was incredibly intense and reminded me a lot of being really anxious as I have some anxiety, so I closed my eyes and started to take deep breathes to try and calm down. In and out, in and out, for about a minute. As I was breathing my thoughts began to spin, my thoughts were scattered all over so much that I literally couldn't think because everything was happening, all my thoughts were thinking all at once, I don't know how to explain it but you get the idea. I became really sleepy all of a sudden, literally out of nowhere I wanted to sleep. When I wanted to sleep was when I remembered that I was just trippin and reminded myself again and again that I was just trippin. I asked my roommates to see if it was okay to fall asleep next to lucy because I was really really tired and I was not trying to fall asleep and not wake up, I thought I was going to die if I did that. My friends told me it was okay and that I was not going to die, so I let myself go and drift off into, what I thought was sleep.

I lay there on the couch, eyes shut but having immenseeeeeee closed eye visuals, beyond words. I saw a floating mass of triangles, there was one center triangle that was not moving and then there was about four or five that were spinning all around it like an atom or something... I saw a man on the center one, a little tiny man becuase the mass seemed so far away, but upon further inspection I could clearly make out that the little man was me. I was now looking at a projection of myself standing on this spinning mass of triangles that were flashing and glowing different colors like some fifth element shit, I love that movie... but yeah it was like the fifth element or something. I told myself that I was not going to get out of this so I had to let myself go and try to enjoy what was going on. To embrace it, by this point I was so flabbergasted by everything going on I thought that there was not much more that could suprise me until the little man, who was me, reached out to me. He streched his arm out to me like he was trying to grab me, or take my hand to pull me closer to show me something... I reached out to grab his hand and realized that he was so far away, I couldn't reach him.. so I made my arm strech and stgrewch and strech until my hand finally grasped his and my arm looked like mr fantastic. Now he and I were hand in hand, but he was walking down the triangle and I was still sitting on the couch. But I was moving with him, like he was not moving and making the entire universe move like a tredmill, just pulling reality with him as he walked down the triangle. Almost like he was moving forward in time... if that makes any sense. I talked to him for quite a while as I recall, but I can't remember exactly what we talked about. What I remember next is him looking directly into my face, face to face inches apart... as I was looking at him all of my thoughts were still scattered. I imagined a black board as my mind and all of my thoughts were written all over it in no particular order... I decided to arrange everything in order because I needed order right now. Everything was so chaotic, so I used all the last bit of sanity I had to try and do this. And this was amazing. It was in this moment that all of my thoughts began to merge, they were coming together in the center of the chalk board to form one thing, a sphere object. All of my thoughts were now wrapped up together in the shape of a ball, just floating there in space in a neat little package. My projection then opened his eyes really really wide and shut his mouth so hard that it collapsed in itself and got sucked into his face. As this was happening, my thought ball began to shrink more, but it shrunk as if there was something inside it and the casing around my thoughts was trying to squish everything inside together. Like trying to squish all of my thoughts into one, it squished and squished and squished until finally there was so much tension that it just exploded and everything in my mind was gold. Like really bright yellow perhaps... but whatever it was it was the only thing I could see or hear or think or feel or taste or anything, this gold was everything that was. Right after this happened I sat up on the couch and with a quickness I grabbed my friend's bicycle and rode around the complex for a good hour or so with a huuuuuge smile on my face, I just could not get this smile off my face it was ridiculous. My cheeks were hurting haha I decided that all of my friends had to come outside and enjoy this amazing feeling with me so they all got their boards and I got mine and we rode around town for about four hours. Those four hours were so amazing, everything that happened during that longboard ride felt so profound, everything felt like it meant something. Even just a certain color car driving past a certain color house, I felt like it had meaning behind it.

For about a three or four days after this I was extremely depressed, almost suicidal. Everything about myself that I didn't like came at me full force. I had changed, and I honestly could not, or can not still, remember how I was or remember my mindset before that trip but I can remember that trip almost clear as day. Even to this day I feel as if everything is one, everything is. I am the science of my reality... my universe is my creation. I am all... I just... am. Through this experience, this mindset and a new interest in quantum physics (which is amazing and can be so closely related to the experiences of any person) I have learned how the universe works. I am curious though, what happened to me. I read a lot about ego death and ego loss and depersonalization but there are certain qualities of each one that fit or don't fit with my current mindset and way of living. Has anyone else experienced this before? I feel like I can see one thing and relate it down to it's origin... I can see one thing happen in my life and EVERYTHING that led up to that point, and almost... almost... through introscoping and compariing things that I see and what I have learned about quantum physics and how the observer works... I almost feel like I can predict the next thing that happens in a series of events. Normally by predicting an event, according to quantum physics, the event would have to be changed because it has now been observed by the observer... but what if the observer recognized what would happen, but did not observe or try to observe the exact outcome, but instead just knew what was... for example if I found a quarter on the ground, I would just pick it up and pocket it or whatever... but what if I picked up that quarter with an intention that somewhere in my day I would need that extra quarter for something that would lead to something else that led up to me getting the quarter. What if I could predict based on the past what would happen next... if you can break down the events that lead up to one particular event you can see that events are connected through intention and observation and you can use your past experiences of observing what led up to this point to predict what will happen next in another situation... omg this all makes so much sense to me I wish I could explain it better it is so amazing and fantastic I can't even believe I can comprehend it. There is no way my mind would be strong enough to understand what I am understanding without meeting Lucy... I just did not have the strength or mindpower

 

I like your signature, I put it as my facebook status. Ironic that today is valentine's day