It seems that every time I get drunk or am around people who are, they or myself say stupid/funny shit, this is the thread dedicated to capturing that. Let get this ball rolling. Me: Hey Mike, i just vomited outside. Mike: Really? What color was it? Me: I dont know, but it was on a red truck. Mike:... your joking right? Your paying me... ______________________________________________ This next one is from when i was 13 and got drunk(and i mean smashed) for the first time, came home at like 3:30 My Mom: So, arnt you going to tell me were you were till 3 in the morning? Me: Bitch, Please! ______________________________________________ Randy: I Love fucking you man! I mean... i love fucking you. Keep it going!
While walking on the beach with some friends who had been drinking, one of them said.. when a Beach Patrol cars coming at us.. "guys, lets motivate this way" Hey, get on Aim SA!!
Me: My penis is interested! Haha dude, I need to reinstall it, you still commin back up? Doctor!Doctor! is at Skelltones and i got a bottle Jack.
*as were driving by these hot chicks at an atm machine my friend who is usually the QUIET one and would never fuckign expect this to come out of his mouth ever* "hey uh.. i seemed to have lost my atm card can i.... cum on your face?" and another time me:how you feelin? friend: pretty fucking good me: good shit man me too friend: im going to go puke over this railing now *and proceeds* lol
Mom:Are you drunk Me:No Mom:I dont mind you having a few beers Me:Good casue i had 13...Thats a few right?
Me and my buddy clint were playing drunken ping pong in his garage, there is a head high shelf that you can easily hit with your head. Cliint- Alright now, watch out for your head man. Me- I will, your serve Clint- *hits ball* Me- *returns serve to the left corner Clint runs to catch it, hits his head on the shelf, falls to the ground and passes out Ok that wasnt a quote persea but still funny.. "I'll turn this car around right now, ill do it! I'LL DO IT!-Conrad (then i say "he'll do it! ive seen him do it before!)" Not a drunk person quote, but something we heard drunk, while shooting a potato gun out into the woods.. "Thats one hell of a potato gun!Hell, what are you boys using for propellant? *Officer finds the 2 empty bottles of Soco and a gallon of E.W.* "Hell, no wonder it was making that racket!" Jonesboro Police Department... Me - Does anybody wanna coosie Blake - Yea I do Me - Are you even drinkin Blake - No I just wanna hold the damn coosie This one happened with me puking outside our frat house, with my two buddies smoking a cig and watching.. Garrett - Are you throwin up man? Cody - Yea man thats some pussy shit
I had a party and halfway through this random fucker walks in, says "i will fuck all of your mothers" and walked out...still neever found out who that was but it was the funniest shit ever...that and blacking out and running around asking to every girl at that party's tits (not very proud of it but i was so drunk that even the girls who i asked to see love me for it know...)
a few years ago myself and the guys are wandering around the suburb, drunk as hell. we end up at the home of another friend you didn't drink at the time. so we were all sitting in his wood paneled basement and this happens. drunk friend gets up from couch walks over to corner of room unzips pants pulls out the main vein i say "DAN WTF ARE YOU DOING!!!" he looks back confused "dude i thought i was in the forest" he almost pissed in the corner of the dudes rec room.
my boy is drinkin whole bottle of canadian mist to himself. I guess he drank half and didnt remember drinking the other half after that. The whole night I hear "THIS IS SPARTA!!!" along with various other things. Morning comes, my boy is asking around where the rest of his bottle is. He ask me and I say "dude you drank the whole bottle" Him "I DRANK THE WHOLE BOTTLE??!" ME "Yeah then you threw it in the fire" him "damn..."
That just reminded me of a incident that happened 5 years ago or so. Me and 3 of my roommates (who i will refer to as Tuck, G, PD) go to a big college town for one of our friends birthdays and are planning on staying at this friends house after we get back from the bars. Well, we end up getting plowed and coming back to our friends house to pass out. Once we get there everyone is ready to pass out, so im laying on the floor when i hear what sounds like someone crumpling a candy bar wrapper. I kinda sit up cause one of my roommates is in the kitchen and this conversation goes down: (sound of a candy bar wrapper being crumpled during this convo) me - Hey tuck what are you doin in there? Tuck- Just gettin some water me - whats that noise? Tuck - I dont know (PD sits up) PD - What the hell is that? (We turn around to see G pissing on the carpet in the living room) PD - G!! What are you doing? G - huh? PD - Dude, are you pissing on the floor?? G - ...... PD - G, you fuckin pissed on the carpet!!! G finished up his piss, climbed back in bed and passed out. Tuck started cleaning G's mess, but didnt get to far cause he was pretty drunk too. In the morning we asked G why he pissed on the floor and of course he didnt remember doing that, so he claims that he didnt do it, although we watched him do it and showed him the big piss spot on the carpet, he still denies to this day that it even happened.
Haha you shoulda punched him in the head, then been like "see that bruise? you got that from pissing on the carpet."
everyones passing out all over after a party, its quiet as hell. me in the middle of the night after steady killin a bottle of patron and a 6 of corona as i jump to my feet "LETS RAISE HELL!!!" i proceed to rip shit up and totally destroy the place and continue my rampage while everyone else looks like wtf? after taking a piss on a pile of clean clothes in the middle of my fucking bedroom while im tryin to sleep my brother starts fuckin with my blacklight goin "relax man i just wanna hear some music" me-"you jackass, im in no mood! music dont come from a blacklight!"
Me and my buddies were drunk on top of a parking garage at 2 in the morning (totally forgot how we got there) and we all had to piss. We couldn't even walk straight we were so drunk. They're all pissing next to cars and stuff. I get up on the ledge hobbling around, so they all naturally freak trying to get me down I yell out to reassure them-- "It's ok everyone! I can fly!" The sad thing is that they let me go. ___________________ It was me and my one friend and we just finished watching Stomp the Yard for like the 9th time. Every time they said something ghetto, we took a shot; so we're pretty fucked up. Here's the convo: Me: Dude! I betcha I can do a flip before you Friend: Not even, bro Me: Go fuck yourself *I punch my friend in the head and run outside* 20 seconds later he comes out Friend: Aha! *attempts to do a front flip and lands on his neck* He's passed out in my backyard ___________________ Me(while petting my friend's dog): "Dude! Oh my fucking god! This is the biggest and most softest cat I think I have ever felt" ____________________ I picked up a couple of magnets at my friends house. Me: Dude what the fuck are these? They look like beads Friend: Nah, they're magnets Me: Well I can't get them to work, so fuck it
me and my girl full drunk together for the first time "i love you"- me "i love you too" britt "oh, uhh, i was talking to your cat..." me "thats the arm of my sofa" britt "...where the fucks ya cat" me "i dont have a cat" britt "then what have i been petting" me "the arm of the sofa" britt another one, after i found out that i cant keep drinking beer with out it full on fucking me up "dude, im totally gonna go get drunk tonight" "your already drunk, really drunk" "dude i only had one drink" "one TYPE of drink" "...and it was beer" "you had 22 cans of schlitz man, your drunk" "ill drunk you" -pass out- ten minutes later "im going to get drunk tonight" also, once, i was going to drive drunk (didnt), so i get into my car, and my friend is in the backseat, drunk "what the fuck are you doing" "looking at the stars and the night sky" "thats glitter from the last time you got drunk, and the top of my car" "oh" then i puked on the steering wheel, and fell asleep too...i puked due to something unrelated to the alco though...i just couldnt have legally driven with anything above .01 back then... oh ya, as i come back from meeting my beer delivery dude (i always get someone to do it for me if i need beer and im drunk) "hoooray beer" "dude, i bought you your red stripe" "hooray red stripe" "i need money" "hooray closing doors" SLAM...i was just messin with him, but it was pretty funny, cause i said it like the redstripe commercials
Hahaha i wasn't drunk during this, i was actually on 4 hits of sid..... **friends mom walking up stairs.....closes door** [door was hella squeaky btw] friend: Dude..... me: what?? friend:....that was the sound a door makes..... me: [some rambling about how doors are closed for the sober people cause their minds are closed and they must open their minds to open the doors]
Fuck you, Pay me! (I say that alot drunk, Jus some random dude at like a bar or something, Jus walk up to him, Fuck you, Pay me.) Hahaha, Ima funny ass drunk.