or....my schizophrenic meltdown, in blog form! jk i'm not schizo, you just feel that way when you're getting older and rusting like a nail and smoking a lot. and yet, in that strange sort of feeling, the meaninglessness of everything, the hatred of yourself, the loneliness, the heart-wrenching pain, is a sort of truth. one stares into the abyss and perhaps for the first time in his life, he feels that he is getting closer to actually knowing who he is. for years i looked to society for my mirror, to fuel my ego, to make me feel as if i was somebody not by virtue of epiphany or behavioral change on my part, but because of convention that said you were a certain type of person if you did certain things. in short, to the letter, not to the spirit. and now i feel as if the true strength is actually coming from within, deep deep within, and is born, oddly, out of the chaos itself. the merging of the two worlds, the thing whose existence is justified simply because it also does not exist at the same time, in the same way that light cannot exist without dark. who be this cat who look like a woman but act like a man? why my face be gettin all itchy and shit now? where did chubby cheeks lil me go, who used to just whack off endlessly and worry so much bout gettin his dick in some pussy because ZOMG it was the end of the world if absolutely every girl on the planet didnt want his d and i kno u think im crazy writin like this but this is the truth! now i knowze where its at, jack. i have a good D. nice bod. i tend toward manorexia but its ok because soon ill have lots of facial hair n shit and then it doesnt matter if ur body is gay looking u feel me? and whats wrong with being gay to begin with? im not gay, but i can understand y they feel that way. growing up sux. u want to be a boy again, the boy who used to skate and ride his bike around and climb trees, not give himself premature back problems by unloading trucks and digging ditches. i want dat dere limber and lithe bod, the bod that would rly be a good fuck for the right lady. but yknow what after the shit ive been through she better appreciate me too. i'm done with it, homies. i just stood up to some fuckhead old man who was my boss at the last fucking min wage job i will ever have. guy threatened to break my skull, called me a faggot, told me when i could piss/shit are u fucking kidding me?? i'll kill you mfkr. i'm not gonna be a white jim crow as i just get older to some other douchebag's greedy plot to make money. no sir. aint nobody got time fo dat. i'm running away, i'm probably going to hike the applaichan trail and mull shit over in my head for awhile before returning to civilization. why did nobody tell me that it was easy to be confident as long as you could just be you and learn to love being you?
I hated the though of shrinks until I went to one! I go to alot of Drs and my shrink is my favorite! He really cares about me! He found the right meds to help me! Get ur head right than worry about a gf!! Won't work till ur happy inside!! Trust me! I'm an OG! Put ur effort into making it better! Maybe get a dog and go for walks! U can meet the girl if ur dreams this way! A grounded girl that u didn't meet in a night club or bar! Sent from my SM-G935T using Grasscity Forum mobile app
I'm not crazy tho! I'm perfectly sane. Just, I'm going to be a sexy motherfucker is all. And if you look at old pics of me, THAT statement is madness. And yet it is happening. It has already begun. It shall be mine, oh yes. It shall be mine. They told me i would never use my dick, or when i did finally get to use it it wouldn't work anymore. They told me i would never be sexy. What if i end up not only using my dick and being sexy but being far happier with my life in general than they ever will be??
Not saying ur crazy. My issue was anxiety and depression. Mostly stemming from pain and family! So I was just about to get hooked in zannies and now I take Zoloft! No more worrying about little shit! Maybe just looking for love in all the wrong places! Do u get out much? Not one of those 18 hour gamers? I have a step son around ur age and I told him u arnt going to get laid playing that shit every waking hour! Chicks may like that, but not all the time Sent from my SM-G935T using Grasscity Forum mobile app
It's funny , i do the same shit, just in a different way. I make music 18 hours a day lol. But at least it's creative! I have no interest in video games. The ideal solution would be to play music for people, and that may also get girls too lol.
Yes much better! Go play in a park with a cute puppy!! Chicks love that! Humor too! That will get u in pants u would never dream of Sent from my SM-G935T using Grasscity Forum mobile app
except for all my life I'VE been the cute puppy and now i gotta be the tough guy lol! cowards do not make women wet!
I used to fantasize about escaping into the wilderness where in my dreams I would survive. To bad it doesn't work that way. Unless we have a trust fund that provides for us, the closest we can come to retreating from civilization is becoming homeless and living on the streets where we can either rely upon the generosity of others or prey upon them. In the wilderness there are no soup kitchens. An observation...you don't like to be shat upon for things beyond your control but you just disparaged your boss for being old. We have no control over aging other than choosing to die young so pound him for being a jerk douche but leave his age out of it. Him being an ass of a human isn't related to his age.
I don't disagree, was not my intention for it to sound that way. Your spirit-age is not your actual age. As an old soul, even as a young man, I know that well. "Some grow young, and some grow cold" -tom petty
Well shit, then i guess nothing matters then anyway. That's what i had suspected all along. Why didn't i know this sooner? I used to think life meant something. Silly lil me
Our purpose is to reproduce, that's how we achieve immortality and that's really the only reason we're here, it's as simple as that. Our whole existence is geared toward reproduction but if you want to feel good about yourself then help someone else. It's especially rewarding if no one but you knows what you did.
I WANT TO FUCK! So like today some hot girls walked by me and i looked at them and then they immediately looked away because i look disgusting. Gotta to go the gym and get tight & toned and get my hair did and go to H&M and get new clothes and shit! I'm going to yell if i WANT to and FUCK YOU if you don't like it!
They probably saw the inner you. Instead of working on your appearance, work on your character. Please explain what you meant when you said "Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face!" Normal people don't even think such vile shit much less say it out loud like you did. You need help and I sincerely hope you find it.
it's from south park lol the inner me's soul got curdled by people who used me as an emotional ragdoll when i was a slightly younger, more vulnerable grasshopper so i believed them when they said no woman would love me and that i would never use my johnson. i need to get my soul back
I admit I was wrong, people do say stuff like that out loud. I've never watched South Park and if that's an example of the show's writing I don't think I've missed anything. It just sounded vile and bigoted and I reacted to that, there's something about bigotry that gets under my skin even though I know as humans we all are likely to harbor some sort of bigotry in our hearts. As you keep trying to improve you will slowly learn to let go of the injustices done to you in your childhood. Regarding the girls you saw, I think you are projecting your self image on to them, you think they think what you think, to put it clumsily. I seriously doubt they were thinking anything at all. It never hurts to be physically attractive or have plenty of money or a good job but to get and keep the love of a fine woman you better be attractive on the inside where it counts. It sounds like you're trying and if you continue I have every faith you'll find a mate that thinks you're the bee's knees.
You're very kind to say that. Frankly i'm sort of trying to pull myself out of depression, I guess without knowing it, I've been depressed for awhile simply because I've been getting older. I've always been a person who doesn't like change, but this is good change. So of course a depressed and antisocial person is not going to do so well with finding a mate. People who haven't seen me in awhile are incredulous these days, I'm starting to not recognize myself. I feel a deep sadness in my heart for some reason and I don't know why. Music has and always will be with me though because you learn to recognize parts of your soul that never change, and the best you can do is honor them without clinging to them artificially, becuase that's going against nature. More than anything i just want to do something out of the ordinary with my life. I almost feel like I've had too hard a road to not take it a step further, like i've come this far. I do have a bad habit of projecting onto other people. Even if people give me a compliment there's a part of me that resists accepting it internally. A girl recently told me that she can tell I am the kind of person who even when they meet someone who loves them, will have a hard time believing it and could fuck up something good. So I am making sure I'm working on how to feel better about being me. I feel like a parody of my younger self. No longer the same, but in some ways I still am. Trying to ditch the old bad shit and hang on to the good new shit that it seems the universe is throwing my way faster than I can almost take. With weed I always noticed it reinforced patterns of behavior, though more so when I was younger and was less in control of my own brain so getting high was a complete roller coaster ride every time. If you are in a negative pattern, it reinforces that, if you are in a positive one, it reinforces that. These days I try to use it as a meditational tool, I have these dream-like epiphanies about how there is so much hidden behind everything in the world, but, like a dream, I often forget to write them down lol Was never much of a drinker either and after having almost getting alcohol poisoning in college I'm not sure I want to. The older i get i just feel booze makes me sloppy and irritable, it's not something that ages well with you as a chronic vice. In my very humble opinion I sort of want to just save some money and travel a bit this summer and spend more time outdoors and just living life and try to establish a new equilibrium, because city and apartment living/working pretty much drove me nuts over the winter lol. "Morning will never be the same / now i won't make the same mistakes time and time again" Its the new me baby
I lost my desire to drink also. I was never really enthusiastic about it, I've always preferred other drugs but I did go thru many years of continuously nursing a beer, I'd go thru a 6 pack in a day working on some project or another. Odd thing is when I was forced into going to AA for a few years after a drug related offense I lost any desire to drink. I never believed in that program and consider it faith healing but it I think it ruined drinking for me forever.
Well I definitely think drinking alone is a bad road, for a person like me anyways. Smoking alone is harmless, as long as you are working on getting out of your shell otherwise, because you can be introspective. Alcohol never makes me introspective, it's just a generalized reduction of my brain capacity, it disinhibits you. Whether or not I should use alcohol to disinhibit me so I can be flirtatious, something I have not even yet done with girls who are strangers, due to my low self image, is anyone's guess, but I think I'd be better off just finding ways to be confident to begin with. Weed meditation has, over time, felt like a process of elimination of barriers to actually just being me. They say you just gotta be yourself with girls, well, it's true, and it means literally being yourself. I don't want to need weed to do that, but weed has played a big role so far in figuring out who I actually am. Has helped me to let my boy meet my man and be friends, so to speak.