Down On Life(Long)

I've talked and talked to people close with me, but I want to post this to vent.

In the fall of 2005, I met a girl at school. She and I clicked right away, and soon, we began to date. We started going out in November. I was in love faster then I could imagine. Every moment I spent with Jane was amazing, and she made me feel complete. However, this would not last, and by February, we were fighting a lot. Luckily, we had a deep respect and love for each other, and managed through the hard times. March and April were two of the happiest months of my life.

In May, the problems started again. We got in to a huge fight, at which point she told me I was no where near as good as her ex-boyfriend. I broke up with her, she cried, we got back together. Next week, it happened again. This time, I decided to break up with her for good.

We were broken up for a few weeks, not talking, and then started talking again. Things were looking good. We hung out, decided to try again, and things were good. But now there was this little voice in the back of my head saying I could do better. So I ended it.

A month or two passed by, and the end of July rolled around. I missed her more then I could imagine. So I called her. We hung out, got back together, life was grand again. I moved to school(only like 20 minutes from her) and saw her a lot. And then it was time to leave.

She hated the school we went to when she was there our freshman year, and the only thing keeping her from transferring was me. When we broke up, she took the opportunity to transfer, to Florida of all places. I live in New Jersey. So the time came for her to leave. I was wrecked. After a week of no sleep, worrying about her, I decided that I could live easier with her out of my life then worrying about where she was constantly. So we broke up.

We talked throughout the semester. She had moved on, but I was stuck in the past. My life started spiralling. I missed her constantly, and let the sadness turn in to depression, and then the depression started to grab control of my life. I asked to get her back, but she was seeing someone. They weren't serious she said, and had only been dating about a month. Her grades slipped though, and she was forced to withdraw from school during winter break. And now she was back in New Jersey.

We saw each other one time one week, then twice the next, and just started hanging out more and more. She told me that her boyfriend from Florida was no longer her boyfriend, that they were just friends. About a month ago, we decided to try things over. And things were great. We had no real fights, we were both happy, and life was good once again. However, this would not last.

This week, she was working a lot because her boss is getting married today. I saw her Wednesday night, and Thursday night she said she was going to hang out with her female friend and go to the bar. I told her to call me when she got back safely, and she never did. I started to worry. I got almost no sleep that night. She wasn't answering her phone, and I began to fear the worst : she was drinking, decided to drive, and got in to an accident.

Friday morning she was supposed to give me a ride home. I called her at 11:30 and she said she was sleeping. At 1:30, I called again. This time she was out, but quickly hung up, not saying where she was. She ditched me, and I had no ride home. I called her at work, and she said she needed space. This was a shock to me. So I asked her to call me after work.

9:30 rolled around, no call. 10, 11, 12, no call. At 1:30, I called her house phone, and her dad said she was not home. Now I'm freaking out. I called her best friend, and we had a conversation that went something like this:

Me(M) : Hey, do you know where Jane is? I'm worried about her.
Best friend(B) : She said she was staying over at (boyfriend from Florida)'s hotel last night and tonight.
M : Did you have any idea that we have been dating for the past month?
B : Oh no, I'm in trouble.

So she was cheating on me. I managed to get a hold of her after her best friend called her, at which point she said she was not cheating on me. She thought I would get pissed if I knew she was hanging out with him. Now I'm really freaking out. I had a break-down last night, and I ended up calling my mom to pick me up and take me home at 2:30 in the morning.

This morning, she calls me to apologize. We agree that what she did was wrong, but if she wasn't cheating on me, I could deal with it. We were going to talk after she got out of work, before the wedding. I called when she got off work, and her phone has been off since.

Now, I'm sitting here, freaking out. My girlfriend is out to a wedding with her supposed ex-boyfriend and ignoring me. I'm ready to kill someone. My anger has taken control of my life before, but in recent years I've gotten that under control. However, this is bringing out the part of me that I thought was gone for good. The rage I feel inside is unlike anything I have felt before. I love this girl to death, but the only thing I want right now is to hold her down and beat her. I really wish she was a guy, because that's exactly what I would do. But I was raised properly, told to never hit a girl, and now I sit, powerless.

I have no idea what to do. Every second that passes feels like an eternity. I have no weed, no booze, and no way to help this situation at all. I'm extremely depressed, and feel like life has gotten the better of me. I'm not suicidal, but I'm getting tired of struggling to make sense of my fucked up life, and this isn't helping.

I'll probably write more soon, but this is all I can handle now.

 

He didn't even know we were dating. She never told him. That was my first reaction, but then I calmed down and realized that it's her that caused it, not him.