Dirty (or non dirty) limerick thread!

It's 2 o'clock in the mornin',
but I haven't been able to get any sleep in.
So I whip out the tissue and lotion,
And, down under, I start a commotion,
Till again I am in my bed restin'.

 

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

There once was a man Robin Hood
Who lived in a Knottingham wood
He learned how to f**k
from old Friar Tuck
And made Marion whenever he could

There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

A pirate, history relates
Was scuffling with some of his mates
When he slipped on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil

There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed
Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went
And laid down her last cent
Said, "A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed."

On the moors Kelly walked in a daze
There she'd bark at the moon and the haze
Still her friends weren't concerned
For by now they had learned
Once a month she would go through this phase.
(author's note to the ladies: "She was a
werewolf. Now is it funny?")

A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money
He'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."

Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

Now this right old man was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

A new farmer's helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."

Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef
Who caused local farmers much grief
To their cows he would run
Cut their legs off for fun
And say "Look, I've invented ground beef!"

There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass

There once was a man from Havana
Screwed a girl on a player piano
At the height of their fever
Her ass hit the lever
And Yes he has no banana...

There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming...he went

There once was a man from Bonaire
Who was doing his wife on the stair
When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair

On a knoll a young maiden named Molly
Her innocence lost through young folly
His name was Sing Chum
And too soon he did cum
And all he could say was "I'm solly!"

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

There was a young tease from Mount Chesser
Who'd smile as the men would assess her
So flirtatious was she
Inviting them home to tea
Then allowing not one to undress her

To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,
"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and Edith, too."

There once was a girl named Tristan
Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
She said "I don't think,"
As she spit out her drink,
"On the menu that this one was listed."

Said a fool whose mind was quite miniscule
As his ignorance reached a new pinnacle
"I don't believe in astrology
It's my ideology
But I'm a Leo and Leo's are cynical.

I had me a wench from East Broint
Who bade me her skin to anoint
The girl had arthritis
And so I decided
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint.

 

There once was a man and his name was Jed,
He couldn't find a toilet so he did it in the shed,
He was wiping it up with a blade of grass,
When along came a granny and kicked him in the ass.

 

There once was a young man named Lancelot,
Whom neighbors would look at askance a lot,
For whenever he'd pass,
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.