Did I get ripped off?

Help. I'm new to buying from the dispensary, and this wild flower of a bud has me beefuddled. It cost me $11 for a gram, and the bud tender was a dude. What the fuck? It's supposed to be a big tittied bimbo in a bikini behind the counter, so strike one.

Upon closer inspection, the bud appears to be laced with bee shit. Dafuq, over? Strike two.



When I read the little label they stick on the foil packet they give you the weed in, I see that you now cannot drive a motor vehicle if influenced by the herb. Strike three! I need to get my forklift groove on when I'm lit...




So, did I get ripped off? $11 for a gram of this super dank pot? I want a lawyer.

 

Field test report: 'Old Man Gary'

THC 24.3% CBD 3.5%

Fresh and weedy buzz on first inhalation. Nugs very dense, rolling around like rocks inside my stash tin. The bee shit seems to be beneficial to the development of the high, giving the active mind the high flying energy of a honey bee while simultaneously calming the mind and presenting a desire to gather pollen.

The Masterchief reports that the herb had a profoundly confusing effect on his cyber enhanced mind and has requested reassignment to a supply unit.

Overall score, 1 to 10:

8.372

 

Watch The Killer Bees: Home Invasion from Saturday Night Live on NBC.com

 

Okay, so I was too stoned to go to the dispensary today. I tried to get the Masterchief to go, but he is 'overcome by the pace of events' and just sits there in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, saying, 'The bees, man...those fuggin bees...'

So I sent his adversary/comrade the Covenant lizard man out to score some ganja. The only instructions I gave him were, 'Do better.'



He came back with some Blue Dream...a legendary strain very high in THC. It was less expensive at $9 a gram, but had a higher THC content.



25.3%? More than one quarter of this plant is psychoactive drug. How the fuck is this still a living organism?



When I inspect this weed more closely, I can see that it is clearly radioactive.



So my question now is, will smoking radioactive pot make me radioactive? I'm thinking the fire will burn up the radioactive particles, but I'd hate to catch leukemia. Any advice?

 

Smoking that right now.

 

Field test report: 'Blue Dream'

THC 25.3% CBD .01%

The effects of this loud loud are best illustrated by the lizard man, who lost his weapons and gear, then started climbing in the middle of the night to get away from 'heathens.' (Still not sure what that was about.)



He's hanging on to my field pack for dear life, his space lizard brain ruined by the potent herb and left incapable of basic three dimensional navigation. He won't let anyone help him down because he's afraid of 'Shriners.' Just gotta let him come down on his own.

This is a fine, super buzzy weed that will make you go around the house and do crazy random shit. You might lose your keys by putting them away in the coffee cabinet. Be advised, this stuff is for the strong minded. If you leave it sitting out and 12 year old Billy gets ahold of it, he won't finish high school and you'll have to support his ass until he's 42.

Overall score, 1 to 10:

9.1 (would have been higher, but points were lost due to radioactivity.)

 

Time to score more weed.

I figured I would send Artoo this time. He's a reliable little go-getter, perfectly suited to carry out important but mundane tasks like this one. I gave him a fifty and sent him on his way...



Haven't seen him since. That was two days ago. Where the fuck could he have gone? He's like three inches tall, and doesn't have any hands. I'm pretty sure he took my fifty and split. I mean, $50 is a fortune for an action figure.

So now I'm broke...and without weed.

This time, I thought to myself: who always has the buds? Why, Lord Buddha, of course!



And the Buddha said:

Seek not the illuminating herb in the store,
Neither seek it on the street...
Mother Nature's bounty is in the possession of your friends and neighbors.
You do for them and provide,
And providence is yours in return.

So now I got smoke. It's outdoor grown from last year's harvest, a strain called 'Platinum Cookies.' It wasn't tested in a lab, so there will be no THC and CBD horsedoodle in the field test report. All I know is it's stoney as fuck.

 

Fixed your quote for accuracy.

 

Field test report: Platinum Cookies