Ive been struggling on and off with depression since I was 14. Its kinda hard to explain but here goes. I sometimes just feel in a slump I guess is the way to explain it. I just feel like Im wasting my life away and Im gonna be nothing for the rest of my life. I get emotionally distant to pretty much everyone like no one gets me I guess Im just differently wired than everyone else. I really wana be a rapper (please please dont judge me) and it just seems foolish not to try to make it big and be someone. No matter how dumb and unreasonable it sounds itll never happen if you dont atleast give it your best shot. I dont wana be that guy that mr average joe that works 9 to 5 at ikea looking back wishing and praying for another chance to do it all over just once and wondering what could have been. Lady wise dont get me started. Ive never had a serious girlfriend and Ive only had sex once. Ive kinda been textin this girl and asked her to chill and blaze a few time but has been busy. Idk if shes making up exuses or not but I wouldnt doubt it Im pretty bad when it comes ladies I wish there was just one that was like me and dont say shes out there cause I heard it all before and well ive searched and waited with no luck. I really only want just one girl that gets me and likes me for me. People do die alone and thats probly the scariest thing that runs through my mind. Im absolutely terriefied of the thought. Religion wise I was born and raised a catholic but Ive been agnostic since 14 and about a year ago Ive denounced my faith completely I just dont see any reason to believe at all I feel stupid anytime I try and turn to the bible. The worst part of it all nobody knows im like this. I usally dont show a lot of emotion even though I feel like my lifes in shambels. Dont say it could be worse cause depression is something you dont understand until it hits you and I wouldnt wish this upon my worst enemy. Thanks if you read this whole thing and someone please give me some advice cause idk why Im like this or how to make it stop.
If it makes you feel any better, the world is bullshit. 99.9% of people's problems are made up. So, fuck it, as long as you're alive and not in custody, just float through life.
And when it comes to my career Im not saying ima be depressed if I dont get rich and famous as long as I do everything I can possibly do Ill never be dissapointed but Im not just gonna accept failure and it seems like thats what everyones telling me to do.
all you can do is plug away and hope for the best. you need to figure out your realistic, enjoyable life plan. you can strive for anything but you need to have those simple things you love to keep you going. there definitely is a girl out there for you. since youre so new to love you dont realize that relationships dont need to be a big part of your life. after youve had one real relationship with a girl youll see that. live how you want and the relationship will find you.
It just seemed to me that you're fixed on the concept of success/failure, which isn't really an absolute thing; it was made up by other people. Girls are great, but once you find yours it's just a new set of problems, trust me. No better, no worse. If you've written a few raps, then bam, you're already a rapper. Even if there's only a few people out there that have heard it. I'd say most underground rappers have 10x the skill and creativity than anyone mainstream that society would consider "more successful". Unfortunately, most people don't end up doing what they want for their job... It's just unavoidable. So you might have to do it on the side. Or not. Who knows, maybe we'll all be toking up listening to your new single one day.
I just feel like a lady is an impotant thing and Ill always feel a little empty without one. But who knows you might be on to something.
I'd like to say i've been through something similar. I don't know your entire situation and everything but based on what you're saying it sounds like something i've dealt with as well. I know it sucks. Feels like you're just going through the motions to an inevitable future of some shitty job where you don't make a difference and are just some other worker or whatever. The best advice I think i've ever received was from a high school teacher and it's something that's stuck with me every day since. He said that whatever you want to do in life, no matter how far fetched it is or unrealistic it may seem, if you have the will to do whatever it takes then you can make it happen. If you're willing to go to any length or whatever it takes to get to where you want to be then who's to stop you? You have the option to sit back and take life as it comes at you or you can make of it whatever you choose to. As for the lady situation, I agree with previous posts that it may not at all make a difference. I can say through experience that it is nice having someone there but at the same time it's nice to just do you and not have to worry about anyone. If you happen to find someone who's interested then awesome! However, I wouldn't make that a sole priority. All that said, I hope you can find whatever it is you want to do whether it's in life or for the time being and just do it. Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Best of luck to you man.
First thing is first. Eat healthy, exercise often, and meditate. If your depression isn't lessened in a couple of months, go see a psychologist that specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is like a 2-3 month crash course that gives you tools on how to cope/improve mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. Next, you are 18. Your life is barely beginning, so don't worry if things aren't going your way right now. You have plenty of time to sort it out, follow your dreams, and achieve happiness. I am 22 and have never kissed a girl even, but I don't let it get me down that society's standards say that I should be going to a bar getting laid every weekend. Also watch some comedy. Laughing is good for you. I have experienced depression that lasted a few years. It's rough. But things will look up if you continue to work on yourself. I can not stress meditation enough. If you have seen happy gilmore, it is like the happy place that he goes to when he is golfing. It is an escape from reality where there is no pain, depression, anxiety, or anything else. And it is free and healthy. I am not preaching that things can be worse (just offering up a different perspective), even though that did help me when I had really bad depression. When I was at work and throwing the trash away around 12:30 every night, there was a guy that would dig through the trashcans to get cardboard to recycle. You however are fortunate. You have gotten laid, you can afford to smoke weed, and you were blessed by only having depression as the worst thing that has happened in your life. There are people who live in constant pain from the day they were born until the day they die. There are people who can't walk. People who have severe mental handicaps. People who don't have the internet and its endless supply of pornography. Ok the last one was a joke. But the point is you have your whole life ahead of you. You can make it just about anything you want if you are willing to put in the work.