Since I was about 12 I was been depressed. To be honest I do not know how I even made it this far. I have contemplated suicide many times but what has stopped me is my family. I was not the most popular in elementary school, I was in a christian environment. I had many friends but I was the guy in the group who was always ripped on. When puberty hit in grade 7 I realized I was gay, this really messed with my head for a very long time. I remember thinking every day about "burning in hell". I obviously hid the fact about my sexuality. When highschool came around i went to public school and instantly made friends with the stoners. I would smoke weed very often and it made me more happy. Half way through that year my parents divorced and we moved to a new house I made friends with this guy and his girlfriend. They introduced me to stuff like MDMA, ketamine, benzos, psychedelics and basicly anything we could get are hands on. By this point I missed just smoking weed and started feeling depressed again. About a year or so later me, him, and his girlfriend got into snorting Oxycontin and I loved it. It lasted almost all day and I was finally happy though I never developed an addiction. I was 15 at this time. He was 19 and his girlfriend was 16. Whenever we would meet other people "in the drug scene" everyone would always comment on how young I was. Anyways, one day while waiting for my friend to buy some oxys he ditched me, he always was mean to me and kind of treated me like crap. When I met him the next day I had figured out his dealer had shot him up, I instantly wanted to try. Thats when everything went downhill. Fast-forward to current, my sister does alot of cocaine and I am still shooting up but I am not addicted. I have done many things to get drugs that really mess with my head to this day. I am still only good friends with him and his girlfriend though I am doubting if I really like them i just get drugs from them and it gives me something to do. I have been sober all day today and I do not feel like I am withdrawing but I am scared and depressed because I don't know what to do all day. Since I was 14 I have lost all my interests and now I don't know what to do to occupy my time that would be entertaining. It doesn't seem to bad but it kills me inside, not knowing what to do. My new job starts on September 7 so I guess that will be something but I still have no interests and it is worse then just being bored. I am also still very scared about my sisters situation (I found out she slept with people for cocaine) and my sexuality still really bothers me (I would do anything to be normal). I talked to my neighbor yesterday and we had a sesh, I talked to him even though i don't really know him because I have no one else to talk to and I am to embarrassed to go to therapy and I do not want to go on anti-depressants. My neighbor told me that we really think alike and he had a similar problem to me, he said his cure was just smoking weed and listening to music all day every day and occasionally going out to drink with friends. This makes me really want to smoke more weed (and i do smoke weed, thats why I am on this forum ) but it is usually indica which I don't prefer. I am deciding to do a small scale grow and just provide my own stativa but I need to wait until the end of September. Every day seems like a chore for me and I don't know how I can get through it without opiates. I think if i stopped doing opiates I would still be depressed I just need to find interests but I have tried many things and I have no motivation and nothing is interesting. If anyone has been in a situation or can give me some advice I would really appreciate it, I am almost crying right now because I don't know if I can make it through today.
Ive been depressed the last few years but I try to get my mind off these negative thoughts by smoking weed, going to the gym and looking for new hobbies. I might start playing guitar. There are still days when I think about suicide because I see no reason to live.
I know exactly what you're going through(except the being gay part).What I have to say about that is,I hope you embrace who you are because it doesn't matter,and I don't know you're religious beliefs (im athiest/agnostic) but you are not going to any hell because of the way you were born.Even if I believed in God,I wouldn't believe he would create people atracted to the same sex for the fun of it to torture.. As for unmentionables,I was doin unmentionables since 14 and then moved on to shootin up.I wasted all my highschool years and when I was there,Id just be nodding off in the back and no one did shit about it.It took a long time for me to ween off then back to bud.I became depressed again but now,it was 10 times worse The empiness in my heart was bigger,I lost all friends,didn't care about anything,and wanted to die.Then I discovered bands with lead singers that wrote about being hooked on H and eventally died from it.Take Layne Staley for example.His story saved my life,I didn't wanna end up like him so I just smoked heavy sativas for depression and jst made it hard as possible to score.To this day I wanna use but I know it's not worth it. One thing I have to say is don't go on meds,thearapy can help (if you get a GOOD one)but I don't trust them and I have family to talk to.The meds they put me on were just shots in the dark and only had bad side effects and my dick shrunk when I was on them.They just wanted my money so I said fuck em. Im still confused and not necessarily happy but I think that's because I have no diploma,no goals,no motivation,and it scares me. So pm me if you need to talk bro [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWvvDCDzyLc[/ame] [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBACTCS4SmI&feature=related[/ame] [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud9gVs-H9d8&feature=related[/ame] life ain't fun but you gotta rough it out
It sucks we cant even help people with problems,its not like anyone is glorifying them..but i know the rules..Im gonna edit most of it out
That sounds like addiction man. Admitting that you have a problem is the hardest part. I know from past experiences with friends who traveled down that very same road. But there is definitely help! And I'm not even talking therapy or rehab. Because where there is a will, there is a way. I would continue with this grow that you are planning. Order some near 100% sativa seeds and get some good soil. It will make everyday feel like progress, instead of a chore. Maybe you should go out and apply for some jobs. The workplace can help you in multiple areas. For one, you will meet people. Co-workers, customers, and the like. It's a great chance to do some socializing. Also, you will be filling your day doing something productive instead of sitting around getting fucked up all day. Third, you'll be coming home with money in your pocket every week. So you can spend on things that will make you less bored at home, and maybe even happy. So best of luck to you man, please don't give up on this world. It wouldn't be fair to yourself.
To me it seems like your problems are stemming from more wanting to numb the pain you feel rather than in pursuit of drugs themselves. It seems like your in denial but there could be something I'm missing, but admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovering from it. This goes for anything, not just drug use, you know you have some issues you can't figure out, so why deny yourself the means to do so? Cutting the drugs seems like a good idea, you should try to stick to the concept. Honestly, the way I beat my depression without medication and about a year of therapy is just hitting my issues head on. It hurt, but I don't need to be fucked up or doing fucked up things to beat my depression.
Cut back on the opiates and smoke more. you have a good week and a half to just relax before you start working. i know i felt way more depressed when i didnt have a job, my girlfriend was paying for everything and i felt like a waste; i just started a job last week and im getting more positive with each passing day. Also i would recommend buying a small pocket edition of the Tao te ching; its words have helped me through some intense emotional turmoil. "Practice not-doing and everything will fall into place."
Thanks everyone Do you guys think that because I have done so much drugs I can never/unlikley be happy again? Just after I am sober will I always just want to do drugs? Will I only be able to "deal with life" and not be genuinely happy?
No one can really determine that but you man. It's really what you make it. you can choose to just deal with life or you can choose to live it. Who knows you may have many more lives ahead of you.
Thanks, one week ago I did come back from India and Amsterdam and I was very happy while traveling but once I got back home the depression kicked in. I am trying to think of things for stability right now to give me things to do. I am thinking of finding a new TV show to marathon, starting a mmorpg I can play when i am off work in the future, etc... If anyone has any suggestions it would be awesome. My friend is offering to teach me guitar so that sounds interesting too.
OK dude just fuck the other drugs man, well also you cant talk about them here but yeh stop doing them just smoke weed, a nice Sativa strain, smoke and go for nice long walk along the beach preferably one where there aren't any people, sit on a cliff, walk in the forest go on nature trails, i see your starting a grow well i recommend you grow some other plant's like tomato's and some other's. Get a dog, when i was depressed doing all this helped in fact it fucking cured it, creating life/growing plant's, when your looking after a animal you find you have a purpose and there's no need to be depressed, walking along the beach being close to nature is also amazing. Good luck and quit taking the bad shit dude
I can't beleive im opening my mouth but I guest you could consider me some what of a expert in this field. I have been on this big green earth for close to ten decades, I've seen most and dun to much.[WAY TO MUCH] the 5 answers you allready have received are all very good advice. you most defenatly fall in the catagory of the addicted!!!!! There are some of us that beleive because we some what control our adictions to the point of still haveing what we consider a life, that were not an addict but your just lying to your self. [first step] haha rambleing. ok defineitly need to go in to this new job with the clearest most optamistick mind that you can muster. I beleive your dep. well atleast alot of it comes from the drugs messing with the chemical reaction in the brain. If you f with your brains ability to fire of sinapsis I beleive it is, well the brain gets confused , cylinders start backfireing all sorts of bad shit starts to happen. do alittle reserch in that direction, it may answer some of your questions. The bordam that comes with sebriety is at the top of the list of things one deals with while getting cleaner. I did not know about the 100% sativa thing that is interesting, something I will be looking in to. Cant even consider meds unless you are clean for at least 3 to 6 months, outher wise you cant tell the drugs from the real problem, which you may not even have outher than that shit your sticking in your arm!! there are no easy answers, dont you hate that expression, the fact that your asking questions shows something, dont you think? Find somewere you can use a sauna, great way to detox and chill maybe with some of that 100% sativa haha
So I read through your post and I've been thinking on how the fuck can I help this guy out. So many things were brought to my mind by your statements. I kind of boils down to this for me. I have always been depressed myself. Is it clinical depression? Disorder? I don't know, and frankly the way doctors and psychiatrists prescribe anti-depressants these days (their own addiction, and far worse for you than our beloved herbal remedy) I am loathe to ever want to try these. Your credibility (in the court of law, competency, people thinking you're crazy etc) really goes out the window if you have a history of taking anti-depressants. I don't want to necessarily be numb like you do, but rather I want to live a life of ecstasy...from traveling, from late night conversations, from making love, from everything in between. But I feel roadblocked and stuck in this repeating circle jerk. But what the fuck is the alternative? Death is only glorified by the living. Sure you might not have to deal with shit, but you'll never experience ANYTHING you love again if you just give up and die (not that you're going to commit suicide, but stay on those drugs and its a strong possibility). You say you don't have a problem man, but if you're medicating so you don't have to deal with how shitty things have become, you are reliant on those drugs, which means you do have a problem. I'm not saying they're totally ruining your life but how can you say you don't have a problem when you want to spend the majority of your day blocking out how shitty everything is with chemicals? This isn't meant to be an attack, so please hear me out. Dealing with this isn't easy...but it IS better than the alternative. My brother had a similar story to yours except he went into the military because he didn't know what to do. When he came back from Iraq he wasn't the same person anymore, he told me he was the unluckiest person he could think of. And on christmas 2009 he bought some oxymorphone and it stopped his heart after he nodded off. He died in the night and all I can think of is how shitty my life has been since he left mine, how shitty his son's life is that he's not here to watch him grow up, how fucked up my parents are, and how he just isn't going to have the option to do anything with his life anymore. You aren't my brother. I know this. But that doesn't mean that I want you, a total stranger to succumb to the same bullshit that he did. I care about you OP, even if you've never met me. I care that you're life seems to hold no meaning. What these other posts have said is truth. You will feel better once you start to work first off. And thats only a week away! You can start to save some money up. when you have some money saved up...go on a crazy trip somewhere exotic! Or you could go somewhere in the US. Get the fuck out of your run of the mill town/city that you're familiar with. Get in touch with legitimate people, because they're out there. Delete those fucking dealer numbers, separate yourself from anyone who will tempt you to use. if they are your friends, then they'll understand this. They might just be as miserable as you are. Also, the idea about growing is a fantastic idea. You will feel great watching a living thing thrive under your watchful eye. Never mind if it doesn't go great the first time, just redo it if you mess up. Get into music in a big way like the above stated, it will save your life. Get involved with spirituality. Maybe not religion or something, but start to learn about your soul. Don't just say, I have nothing in me. You do. You're a human, and there are levels to you that no soul alive has seen or heard of. There is an epic fucking story waiting to be unleashed upon the world, and its your life! Here are some songs also. Don't give up. Be the catalyst for change in your life, make it happen. And if you're doubting, we're here for you. Don't think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here: [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HONuv2JyjZk"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HONuv2JyjZk[/ame] Happiness: This is the only version i could find of this including yourtube which only has covers. But seriously listen to this song. http://www.mp3ye.eu/661194_house-md-soundtrack-1-18-grant-lee-buffalo-happiness-mp3-download.html nevermind me 'cause I've been dead out of my body and bent out of my head nevermind the songs they hum don't want to sing along there's nothin' that I said that'll bring you happiness happiness is hard to come by I confess i'm bad at this thing happiness if you find it share it with the rest of us nevermind the words that came out of my mouth when all that I could feel was pain the difference in the two of us comes down to the way you rise over things I just put down that'll bring you happiness happiness is hard to come by I confess i'm bad at this thing happiness if you find it share it with the rest of us the rest of us nevermind me 'cause I've been dead out of my body and bent out of my head nevermind the curse I wore proud like a badge that just don't shine no more that'll bring you happiness happiness is hard to come by I confess i'm bad at this thing happiness if you find it share it with the rest of us the rest of us
Sounds like you are mentally addicted to opiates but not yet physically addicted. Stop opiates now before you start getting sick when you don't have them. edit: Forgot to add that I am the same way and I need something to get through the day, weed is the safest option so that's what I use.
tldr. But best advice I can give you is don't smoke weed if you are depressed. Weed amplifies your state of mind, so if you are happy you're gonna be super happy, but if you are depressed it'll just make you more depressed. I got into a deppressed state last winter and I was smoking a lot of weed to try to conteract it. It did nothing, and I became increasingly anti-social and depressed the more I smoked. I took a week break. And was back to my normal self.
Stay positive, don't let the negativity get to you. And just smoke fuckin weed, find yourself. Do activities to occupy yourself. Best of luck.
Don't start self harming. Yeah, whatever I'm admitting this on GC and I'll probably get some smartass telling me 'man don't be an emo' or 'dont do that shit, just smoke the herb and stay positive'.. NO. Self harm has left scars on my life that will never fade. The stigma, the shame, internalization, hurting others without knowing it. Depression and SI go hand in hand, and before you know it, you're addicted. In terms of controlling depression, talk about it. To someone you trust or a health professional. I know some people don't have the fondest views on shrinks, but when I was attempting to get better last year, I felt like talking to someone I didn't have to look in the eye everyday, was so much easier. I felt like less of a burden on my friends too. There's not much else I can think of right now.. I'm not really one to preach, I still struggle with depression/self harm myself sometimes. Keep well and stay strong.