***Chuck Norris Appreciation Thread***

Discussion in 'General' started by Skunky Monkey, Aug 1, 2011.

  1. OK so post why you think Chuck Norris is awesome...

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.\t

    Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.\t

    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

    Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.\t
    Some kids piss their name in the snow.

    Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.\t

    Chuck Norris can speak braille.\t

    Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm

    escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.\t

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.\t

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.\t

    Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one
    fools Chuck Norris.\t

    Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".\t

    Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.\t

    Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.\t

    They're making a sequel to 300 starring Chuck Norris. Its called 1\t32\t

    Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the
    1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail

    Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the

    game Uno.\t

    In his will, Chuck Norris has specified that if he dies, he will bury himself.\t

    Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.\t

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
    Chuck Norris.\t

    Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.\t

    On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of
    the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his
    problems with Violence.\t

    Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the

    cobra died.\t

    Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon\t158\t

    If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck

    Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."\t

    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the

    courage to tell him.\t

    Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.\t

    If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck
    Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.\t

    Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.\t

    Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced
    by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

    Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.\t

    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of
    failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.\t

    Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is an optical illusion. His right foot doesn't swing
    around and hit your head, his left foot spins the earth so that your head hits

    his foot.\t

    Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

    The only thing that gets between Chuck Norris and justice is an equal sign.\t

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.\t

    Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.\t

    Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.\t

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris\t

    Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.
    They bleed for a week as a result.\t
    When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds

    you have left to live.\t
    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

    unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,

    Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The

    devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have

    seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.\t

    Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will

    not take shit from anyone.\t

    Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.\t
    If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear

    Chuck Norris banging your sister.\t
    Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to

    spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around

    awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.\t

    Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano\t

    Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.\t

    Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on


    Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death

    can process them.\t

    Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of

    the face.\t

    Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.\t

    Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder

    County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.\t

    Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they
    touch his body.\t

    M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.\t864\t

    The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck
    Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.\t

    Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.\t
    Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.\t
    Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.\t
    Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.\t\t

    The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered

    a world with Chuck Norris.\t

    Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.\t

    Chuck Norris can drown a fish.\t

    Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.\t

    The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a

    When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."\t

    When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the
    dark off.\t
    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris\t

    It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.\t
    When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even

    glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.\t

    Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.\t
    Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.\t
    In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his
    personal best by 2 strokes.\t

    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man
    ate a fucking Jeep.

    The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.\t
    Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.\t

    Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling

    Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for
    Chuck Norris.\t

    Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.\t
    Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.\t

    A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
    people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris
    and that you will be handicapped if you park there.\t

    Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation,
    Chuck Norris invented racism.

    Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett
    Favre even further.\t
    Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".\t

    Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."\t

    Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then
    he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.\t\t

    Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the
    people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris
    now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

    Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.\t

    Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape.
    Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.\t\t

    Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.\t

    The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.\t

    Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following
    to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.\t

    A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than

    The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real,
    it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.\t

    Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.\t

    Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He

    declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece

    of jewelery."\t

    When Chuck Norris gives you a 'thumbs down', he's actually pointing at where
    you are about to go.\t

    Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of
    wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out
    what happened to Barry.\t

    Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to
    cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's
    nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way,
    Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply
    by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.\t

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
    names for his left and right legs.
    Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what
    Chuck Norris says.

  2. Bruce Lee disagrees. See way of the dragon.
  3. I've done all those things, plus I can use Kamehameha.:eek:

    Norris has nothing on me.:devious:

  4. The only man to beat chuck norris is dead......................what does that tell you
  5. lol bruce lee could come back as a ghost and still put chuck into a coma

  6. Nah man..........Nah :p
  7. Both are good but bruce lee is the greatest man, would honestly be a great fight though

  8. Dude no. ;)

    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj2Zf9tlg2Y]‪Abe Lincoln VS Chuck Norris Epic Rap Battles of History #3‬‏ - YouTube[/ame]
  9. I read this.
    [ame=http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Inner-Strength-My-Story/dp/0316611913]Amazon.com: The Secret of Inner Strength: My Story (9780316611916): Chuck Norris, Joe Hyams: Books[/ame]
  10. Yeah I know it isn't a legendary Chuck Norris fact, but it is a pretty damn good read.
  11. Nice thread Skunky, I always did like these Chuck Norris Facts, but you already posted pretty much all of them including my favorites like this one "Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse."

    Here's two I made:
    -Chuck Norris is the reason why the Shaolin Monks live in solitude.

    -The only material on this earth known to be fireproof, waterproof, shockproof, bulletproof, lightweight and indestructible is Chuck Norris' beard hairs.

    So Skunky, of the ones you listed which fact happens to be your favorite(s)?
  12. I know chuck Norris is a boss because bosses know other bosses

  13. :laughing: those one's are awesome.
  14. Chuck Norris once took on Gooseman and Royksopp... he hasn't been heard from since.:devious:
  15. Rokykopp and gooseman Neva been bout no shit
  16. He was so good, he transcended physical form

    But in all reality, neither of them wished to find out who was better. They had no competition with each other. Both were the best, the rest is opinion
  17. Finally a Bruce Lee fan to back me up.

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