Christmas story of new-found love of life/humanity.

Before reading: what I'm going to share with you is some pretty personal stuff. Please be positive and empathetic with me. It is pretty long.

I had been depressed for a long time up until a few days ago and I hadn't even realized it. I had become very negative during the past semester. I had been hurt a lot and I was really in the dumps. It was sad because I was channeling all my emotions and anger inwards, then focusing it on the people closest to me and whatever I didn't like/agree with. I wasn't sleeping well, was smoking all the time. I felt really betrayed, like I couldn't trust anyone.

This continued on for a better half of the semester. I had begun to smoke to be high almost every waking hour I could. Bitterness and sadness were really a constant reminder of a lot of crappy things that happened to me while growing up and I was dwelling in the past too much. I began missing more class, but I still managed to end the semester with a 3.5 because I didn't have any serious academic responsibility.

I'm going to keep this as short as possible, but most of my self awareness came this Christmas while at my grandfather's house in central Texas (aka Nowheres-ville, lol). I usually dreaded holidays because I hated being with my family en masse. I don't like one of my uncle's wife, who has three little monsters for children. She has my uncle by the balls, and it makes me sick when she treats him like a dumb monkey.

At this point, I hadn't smoked in 3 days and it was getting to me a bit (not full blown mental dependence but it made the anger/anxiety lessen) and the thought of her and those three screaming brats coming infuriated me. I got into some yelling matches with my Godmother a few times before my non-blood aunt was even at the house because I was so pent up and negative. After the first time, I went down from my grandfather's property (a small, light grove of random cedar trees mostly) and found a slightly-deflated four square ball and kicked it down there, pushing myself as hard as I could constantly because I was just raging. I guess I just wanted to wear myself.

The next day (the 24th of Dec.) it happened again, and I went back down to the thicket and kicked the same ball around. This time another uncle, my Godfather, came down and started talking to me. I was very stand offish and still just angry, about everything. I ranted about many of the things that I feel has hurt me in my life, some stuff they've never had a clue of (Nothing really fucked up, but when bad, unfortunate things keep happening when you're still pretty young it can get to you fast). I just kind of calmed down after a while, he was very negotiable with me, and had me think of other ways to look at life and when bad things happen (and he's a man who knows hurt, after his wife of nearly 8 years whom with he had really beautiful children with, left him for another guy).

When we walked back up to the house, and mind you it was literally snowing here, I was coughing really bad because I had been breathing cold air in rapidly for a good amount of time. My Godmother got me a hot cup of tea when I was recovering in the dining room, kind of just chatting with my uncle.. I don't know what it was, maybe just the way I had been feeling, when I felt loved for what seemed quite time, by my closest family, I cried. I was sobbing pretty hard too, and man I don't care what anyone says, I hadn't felt that good in a long time. It felt as if a huge burden had been lifted when I realized and became aware of why I was feeling the way I was.

That night back at the hotel me and my mom were staying at, I was drinking a few beers she let me bring back to the room. My mom is an alcoholic (I know this may seem like "Dude, why would you be drinking with her?!" but I know my limits on alcohol, and in general due not like getting drunken often. It had been at least 2 months since I had really been even buzzed. But we just began talking, about the things that made me angry, why I hated people so much, just the general overall unhappiness I had. We talked about God, Jesus, mind you I didn't have such good opinions about either at the time, and we worked out a lot of in differences/trust issues we had. It was pretty crazy because I have never talked on such an honest level with her before. I even found out she doesn't care about marijuana, she just doesn't like me smoking because it's illegal. That night was a real eye opener,

When I woke up on the 25th, I realized that dwelling on hatred of others and the past only brings a person down. And you know what, even if you focus all your angry thoughts and feelings on someone, they probably won't even know it. No one likes being around an angry person, who always kills the good vibes simply because something pissed me off a few hours ago. I realized that hatred and loathing, envy of others, are all pointless things. They won't get you anywhere in life, and that if you shut out everyone and everything that tries to help, you won't ever feel better. I took a new perspective on religion, and although I'm a non-practicing Roman Catholic in general, I feel closer to what I think is a higher being that created who and what we are (just my beliefs, I respect it if you do not agree with me). I also have finally decided on what I want to do for my degree: get a Business Admin batchelors degree, then go to law school.

I'm pretty stoned right now. I had not smoked in 7 days, 2 by choice, but I'm pretty stoned right now because I wanted to chill after this crazy weekend. I do not feel like I have to be high to go though my day, but what I mean is I can't quite place every realization I came to, but the best example I can give is having a life epiphany while shrooming. The burden is no longer there, and I feel motivated, happy, positive and loving now more than I have in more than a year.

I'm not sure what am asking of the S&P crowd tonight, but I felt this was more appropriate than real life stories. I'm sorry if you mods think this should be in RLS. Thanks for those who read my story and leave any comments. I'll be lurking around but heading to bed soon. Peace and love GC

 

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. It's been hard sometimes, too easy to flip off some dumb driver.

 

Ain't that the truth! Thanks MrsEd.

I've begun to notice some things though: life in general seems to be more beautiful, I've still been smoking sparingly with little to no urge at all...

I'm looking for a good reminder still, but I'm trying to make everything make me think about why it really is good to be alive.

 

Exactly what I've been doing: I notice a negative behavior that I do not want, I find some other way of reaction to replace it, and work on 'encoding' it into my life.

And on the bud thing, I can't promise I won't be high as the Eiffel Tower for a week when that Trainwreck gets dried and cured.

Edit: Honestly, once I was at my grandfather's (in a town where I know noone) I didn't have any urges simply because it was out of sight, and out of reach. I knew there was nothing I could do to get/smoke any, so it was no big deal! Cannabis can be mentally addicting, but it's never been that difficult for me to rid myself of it. It takes more time to realize there is a problem.

 

Yeah, which is what was happening to me the entire end of the semester.

 

Thanks Grasses! I appreciate the positive vibes and wish you the same enjoyment on your holidays!

 

Oh I understand that -entirely-. I try to think in the posiitve light of why they cut me off... then I realize they were stupid and essentially cut the line on the highway; and no, I don't let those people in. Try the next exit.

It's also hard to think positive when all I can think about is how stupid Pelosi, Obama, Hillary and Gore are (to name only a few) and how they're driving this country into the ground. But I want to be in law/politics, and don't want my generation to be burdened with an unnecessary, massive socialist debt.

But I've become to figure out my body's ways of telling me how I feel. When I'm upset or angry, it feels like a heavy metal lid is covering my head. I don't know how else to explain, but when I'm calm and happy, it feels like it has been removed and my mind is cooler and more open to new thoughts and ideas.