Hey everybody I'm in a bit of a delicate situation, and in search for an answer I stumbled over this great site here. All in all, my boyfriend (i'm gay), actually fiancé as of lately, and I are extremely happy. After more than a year together, we still have chemistry like on day one, and we've really grown closer and closer. At the moment, we're in a long distance relationship (he's around 300km away), but it's not too much of a problem since our jobs and studies are quite flexible. So things are really going well, except for one thing: weed. Last spring my boyfriend used to smoke quite a lot, not every day, but regularly, and it caused him to neglect some responsibilities towards his work, and towards me. We worked out a set of rules for him to get off it gradually, and eventually phased it out completely. In the process, I might have been a bit too harsh and strict on him, and we both hurt each other, more than just a little. Eventually, we agreed on banning the grass completely. Despite the fact that I like it myself every once in a while, and that wouldn't keep anyone from consuming as long as it's responsible, I took that sacrifice because I felt it was important to our relationship. It worked well for a couple of months. But I was still a bit too hurt about everything and so I did something I shouldn't have: installed spyware on his smartphone without him knowing to find out whether he's smoking or not whenever we're apart. And as of lately, he is. Occasionally, still, and he still lives up to his responsibilities, but it does not change the fact that he broke our agreement. I tried to give him hints and give him a lot of opportunities to tell me about it, saying that we're past everything and can tell each other everything, etc., but no matter how much I presented him with the opportunity on a silver platter to confess without consequences, he didn't. Now I don't know what to do. If I confront him, he will know I spied on him and broke his trust. I'm not proud of that and I don't want to hurt him. But if I don't, the fact that I know he is lying to me about it makes me feel like he is making a fool of me right in my face. Catch 22? So that's the situation…any advice would be really, really appreciated. Thank you
Alright. What you did was wrong. You shouldn't have done it. But... Question 1: Why did you install it? Lack of trust? Or was he showing signs of smoking because he was neglecting these same responsibilities? If he wasn't neglecting these responsibilities and you still felt the need to install this spyware, this is where your problem is located. You don't trust him. If he was neglecting his responsibilities and you installed the spyware to make clear of the problem...then you should solve the situation by dealing with the situation... meaning if the problem lies with him not being responsible, talk to him about responsibility... (don't mention the weed.) Men don't change. You can't make someone make a decision and stick to it. They have to want to, they have to will themselves to do it. Would you rather him lie to you about it or work around it and let him be who he is.
Dude, I have nothing against you, but people like you shouldn't be in a relationship... But I'll bet you're really handsome and good looking.
Honestly, I think you are the one making him lie. So he is a pot smoker, big fuckin' deal. I am sure that his life will not sprawl into tumult from smoking weed. What he should do is learn to keep up with his responsibilities a little better by accepting them and not blaming the weed, or maybe it's you that blames the weed?. You, on the other hand, need to drop it and accept this dude for who he is instead of trying to change him.
A AnoesisOrange, I agree with you that some people smoke pot and that is how they CHOOSE to live their lives. It's a lifestyle and couples need to know this and understand this about each other... but think about it. If you were completely in love with someone who was perfect but they for some reason needed you to stop smoking for the benefit of the both of you. Would you do it for that person? I was thinking this over the other day WHILE HIGH and it was so obvious to me that I would definitely stop if I had to... but I guess that's the type of person I am?
No, but I respect your inclination to do so. It must be the type of person you are because I am not that type of person.