No TL;DR. I've been around and provided advice to a bunch of people around here. If you're not interested in actually reading this, you're welcome to hit the "back" button. I won't blame you... If you're reading this you're stepping into the mind of a crazy man. That's not something that's usually enjoyable. With that out of the way, I'll get to the point. I dunno. I'm just fuckin tired. I can't really explain it any better than that. It's a feeling that I carry around with me pretty consistently. I guess you could call it depression... I don't know. I really don't like the label "depression". It seems weak, and, well, depressing. When I can smoke weed, generally it keeps my outlook far more positive, but I had to stop about a week and a half ago. Ever since, my will to do anything has fuckin plummeted. That bums me out in and of itself because I'm pissed that I have to rely on weed to keep my dark side under control. I've just been spiraling into the world of self-destruction that has followed me around my entire life. Here's a little background on me: I'm 21 (just turned 21 on Nov 30, so at least that's exciting). I have an IQ of 147 (as of about 4 years ago, it's probably dropped since then honestly), I'm an average looking guy, I've grown up with two loving parents who have always provided everything that I need. Whenever I apply myself to pretty much anything, I succeed. It may sound conceited, but please believe me when I say that I'm not bragging. My parents feed me, clothe me, put gas in the car that they paid for, basically they support me 100%. What I'm getting to is that there is no logical reason for me to be upset with my life. I have it better than 99% of people on the planet. Yet, for some reason that I really cannot explain or quantify, my natural state is to be unhappy. I always want what I can't have. I complain that I don't have a girlfriend, but whenever I land a girl, I lose interest. As soon as I know that I have her locked down, she's no longer attractive. Essentially, I'm an ungrateful prick. So, like I said, I've been slipping. I can feel myself being pulled back into the black hole that is my inner self. I really don't know who I am or what I want from life. I'm like a fucking amoeba. No backbone. No substance. Just an amorphous blob who plods along, eating enough to sustain itself, wishing I could transform into a peregrine falcon and fly away from it all. I have no pride, because I've never done anything to be proud of. I guess the only exception to that would be the Hole In One I had when I was golfing back in the spring of 2011. Isn't that sad? My proudest moment was pure fucking luck. I dunno. I'm just kinda rambling at this point. I just want to get this bullshit off my chest. I keep hoping that it'll fade as I get older, but honestly it's just getting stronger. I don't want to take antidepressants because they have affected a couple of my family members (who I'm certain I share a lot of my DNA with) very negatively. That scares me. I don't want to be dependent on any substance (including marijuana) to feel "okay". I know that suicide is not an option, so you blades don't have to worry about that. I'm just fucking tired of my day to day life. I wish I could just pause time for a second and give myself a second to catch the fuck up. I was a really late bloomer. Socially, I didn't come into my own until I was 20, more or less... Hell, I'd say I still haven't managed to really break out of my shell. Physically, I was under 5'3" until I was 16. I shot up to 5'11" by the time I was 18 and I'm up to 6'1" now. Hopefully I don't grow much more... I still weigh 145lbs, though. I dunno. I guess that's the moral of this story. If you read my bullshit, I appreciate it. ///M
This is deep stuff. I can relate. I understand that feeling of "tiredness". You feel as if you cannot be satisfied by things, you cannot be satiated by ordinary experiences. Its just not enough. You feel as if life is just a burden and that its keeping you from floating away. I used to feel like that. I was an adrenaline junkie. Too much wasn't enough. Wild parties, wild drugs, and even wilder women. I thrived on my self-destruction. Still, it didn't help what was inside. I had a breakdown and it wasn't pretty. Eventually, talked it through with a therapist. I was depressed but it wasn't just a "depression", it was an overall feeling of being unsatisfied. I was able to confront my issues and now I have a different outlook on life. I was dealing with a lot of things and I still am but they are not as bad as before. My life two years ago was 180 degrees from what I am experiencing now. This may sound like a trite thing to say but I really recommend that you start exercising. It will make you feel better. It made me feel better. Those endorphins are pretty awesome. Also, I would get a journal, write down some insights you have on life and a couple things you are thankful for each day. View life as a journey of progression rather than something you just exist in. Write in your journal "I am getting stronger each day". Eventually, you'll start to believe it because it will be true. I wish you the best in getting over your "tiredness". Its no fun and its definitely not a state of being I wish even for my worst enemies.
You probably feel like shit cause your not doing enough in your life. Strive forward get out of your comfort zone
When it comes to girls, I wouldn't say that it's selfish I think it's just something you look for in a girl, you want them challenging.
What you listed are some of the biggest symptoms of depressive disorder. You said it yourself, you have no actual/physical reason to be so down on yourself yet you still are. While I am not opposed to antidepressants (I would be a crazy lady without my prozac), I advise you to talk to your parents. Tell them how you feel, and why you feel this way. They will get you the counseling that you need. It sounds as if you are harboring some sort of guilt, whether it is guilt of having your parents support you 100% and you feel that you don't deserve it, or guilt for feeling bad when you have a good life is something that only you can know. I can't stress this enough: please please PLEASE do not let these feelings stay in your head. No, they will NOT just go away. And something bad really could happen. If you have even one suicidal though, CALL 911! Letting these thoughts take over my life is what landed me in a suicide ward for 2 weeks when I was 17. You deserve better.
I feel the exact same way. I feel it's a type of withdraw and disappointment to do better buy the motivation simple isn't there.
I'm exactly like you OP. I coast through life, have little will to follow through with things. My intelligence makes me constantly look for a deeper purpose to my existence. I am a sufferer of depression. I feel like ill never reach my goals and in the process it hinders me in actuality. But I yearn for for catharsis. I don't know about you op but I grew up in similar circumstances. Good family, blessed upbringing. I feel like I haven't developed socially like you. From junior of hs to now (Turn 21 next month) I've used various substances to grant me relief in the form of instant gratification. As a result I've never properly learned to delay gratification and truly work for something substantial in my life. I'm very intelligent but a shitty student. Average looking but insecure. Feel like I'm constantly searching for myself and trying to emerge as the person I know deep down I am. But waiting hasn't brought me solace. No peace of mind. You and I have to realize the answer won't be easy and it won't come quickly. We're gonna have work hard. We'll have to learn to deal with the stresses of life without substance. And we'll have to forever press on. Because the only other ways are suicide and a life of unrecognized potential. And both of those are unacceptable. P.S. you have to train your brain to be in line with the what we hope to achieve be it through delaying the instant gratification our society wires us to or love ourselves and live life in the present. Keep trucking fam.
I'm in a pretty damn similar situation. I've been thinking about it for a while and I think the best thing for me to get out of my admittedly spoiled life and the way I think everything should be easy for me is to go travel and live simply. I'm a senior right now but when I graduate I need to travel and enjoy nothing else but the friends I bring (and make) and enjoy life. Upon returning and settling down I'm going to go work with my two friends and they're family on their farm (they are my closest friends and are moving first of the year 2 hours away). It will be the right time of year so ill be doing farm work and helping them on their grow and help maintain, harvest, and enjoy. Do that hopefully till there's no work left for a few months or whatever and then return with fresh perspective and be more wise and happier than ever. I don't know if this did anything for you, just my ramblings.
I want to thank all of you who took the time to respond, even Imfucked. A little tough love is necessary every now and then. It's also nice knowing that I'm not alone. Burn one for me, blades. ///M
[quote name='"Johnnyganja"']You probably feel like shit cause your not doing enough in your life. Strive forward get out of your comfort zone[/quote] Dudes right...I feel like op too sometimes but shit you just gotta keep on keepin on
Man I feel the exact same about chicks, once I get her loved down I have no interest anymore. I thought I was just fucked up.
Yeah sounds about like how I feel. I've been suicidal before and I can't go a day without weed. Sometimes I'm just like what the fuck is the point of life? I'm under so much stress sometimes it's not even funny. I'll drive cross faded sometimes and just don't give a fuck if I wreck and die, sometimes that seems like an easy way out. I am depressed but I've only really told one person and she won't tell anyone. I don't wanna take antidepressants because I'd feel like a pussy and I won't go to anyone about it because I went through that shit when I was a kid, all they did was ask me stupid ass questions and it didn't help shit, just a waste of time and money. I just get by day to day by smoking and drinking so I can get my mind off that shit. I'm only 18 too, I hope my brain stops being a little bitch soon because I don't wanna live my whole life with the mindset I currently have, I'm never happy.