I just don't understand how he can be so different around my family than everyone else. And this Christmas was a really weird one because a family member's funeral was on Christmas eve, so nothing was really planned and it wasn't the best one for him to join us. But he just seemed so miserable at his mom's house and was talking about getting a hotel just to get away from her, so I invited him to spend the holiday with us. And he's just making it really difficult for me to spend time with my family. My boyfriend and I live together, so I see him all the time. I live thousands of miles away from my family, so I was looking forward to seeing them. But he's just so painfully quiet around them. Even when we eat together and they ask him direct questions, he doesn't seem to hear them and I have to answer. He comes across pathologically shy. I don't need Mr. Social, I just need him to seem like he's trying. But I'm realizing now that he hated being with his family because they wanted to talk to him also. And it's weird because he's so different around his/our friends. I'm so frustrated. I love him and we've been together three years, but occasionally I'm going to need him to force himself to make conversation. He can be quiet sometimes, but he literally only speaks one word at a time here. And he really misses not having a piano here to play, so he's constantly practicing his finger work on random surfaces. But it just comes across like he's drumming his fingers in a really annoyed/annoying/passive aggressive way all the time.
He's doing a PhD in physics at a high ranking university. He could probably play piano professionally too. He's just soooooo much cooler around math/science/academia people. Outside of that context he just doesn't seem to have anything to say. People have suggested he has aspergers before, but I hate that because it's like it justifies him not trying to socialize at all. He does have lots of friends, but they're always in similar programs. Even when it's not Christmas and it's just us and I try to make plans for him to spend time with me and my friends or me and new people, he's so fucking sullen and moody and such a brat. But he always really wants me to hang out with his friends. He knows how to talk to people and make friends, he just doesn't try sometimes.
You need to talk about this with your boyfriend. The way he's treating your family and friends is inconsiderate and rude. To be directly addressed by someone and not respond? Come off it. They've welcomed him into their home and he's being a bitch, and if it were me, I'd kick him to the curb. As for me, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. She's met a good deal of my family before, at a wedding, but this was the her first time on their turf. Some wicked storms swept through and knocked out our electricity for three days over Christmas, and my entire family (15+ people) was often crowded into a single room for heat and candlelight. Poor girl, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. It was good times though. I went with a girlfriend and left with a fiance, so it must not have been too bad.