Birthday Adventure (novel)

My adventure beings in the wee-hours of the May 21st.

While in my state of slumber I was awaken by a blocked call at a little after 12:00AM. I didn't pick it up. Phone rings again, unknown call. I pick it up and quickly informed the caller that someone better of dying or dead. A voice I haven't heard for a while started laughing and wished me a happy birthday and then told me I should come over because there's a surprise. Being that I was half asleep and still had no idea who this was I told them to "get fucked" and hung up.

A couple minutes later new unblocked number calls back and even before I can get a word in the voice on the other end said, "You can't hate me that much, can you baby?"

Right away I knew it was my ex and I was quite confused and still though I was dreaming.

After a lengthy conversation full of puzzlement and probably some pretty awesome half-asleep thinking faces, I came to my own conclusion. She's just horny because everything else she is telling me doesn't compute! Her reason for calling was just to wish me a Happy Birthday but I'm not naive. We talk some more and she finally just comes out with it. I decide, after much hesitation, that it's my fucking birthday and if I want to get me some birthday pussy then I'm going to get me some pussy!

On the way I stop by the liquor store and grab some bombers of St. Pauli and continue my trek to her place. When I arrive I am perplexed by the house being void of light. Not a single light is on inside. I walk up and knock on the door and wait, and wait, and wait. I knock again, time time harder, and wait, and wait, and wait. Now I'm thinking to myself, "Stupid ass, dumb mother fucker always thinking with your dick. FUCK YOU PENIS! Why are you even here, she's your ex, idiot!"

As I am about to walk back to my truck my phone rings and it's her asking if that's me banging on the door, I told her promptly, "Fuck yeah it is, you think you're cute wasting my time?"

She tells me to go around back and let myself in, she left that door unlocked. I hop the fence, huggle her doggie and let myself in. House is dark but I see light coming from down the hall and I here water. She's in the shower. I check the knob, it's open, and let myself in quietly. Once in I let out a big rawr to give her a good scare. I'm going to end that part of the story there since I don't need to go into details...

After acquiring my first birthday present not even 2 hours after my birthday began I tell my ex that it's been grand, leave her a few buds and take off. I could tell she was pissed that I didn't stay but, guess what bitch, you called me for a some dick and that's what you get. I get home about 4:30AM and am asleep even before I hit my pillow.

Eventually I wake up and notice that I'm an hour behind and almost go into a panic because I don't want to piss off any of my customers. I get on the phone and start making calls letting everyone know that for "reasons out of my control" (lol) I would need to move their appointments to Monday and that I can attend them first thing in the morning. They are all fine and dandy with that and I let my boss know, he's confused as to why they were moved but is fine with it because the customer isn't angry about the situation. Now that everything is cool and I'm chill I decide to plop down on the couch and load up my DBV. Once relaxed it's out the door to the office!

On the way to work I stop and get a fountain drink to cure my cotton mouth. While there I made the chubby clerk laugh and she gave me a few lottery tickets, my drink for free and I also received her number which I quickly deposited into the trash in the parking lot because I don't buffalo hunt.

I get to the office and end up playing Pac Man on Google for 8 hours and that's the extent of my work day. I get off work, rush home, and smoke myself stupid till my buddy shows up. Once he shows up we grub on some fantastic Chinese food and then head to the bar.

The bar we decided upon was the same bar we went to a few weeks ago (see: http://forum.grasscity.com/general/597096-special-bars.html) and it didn't fail to impress us this time either.

We roll in with big smiles and the intent to love everyone and I am not joking about that in the least bit. We find a table and have a seat. The gentleman who was getting crazy on Karaoke last time came over and said he didn't think we'd be back and we had a few good laughs, unfortunately he left early.

After he left we found another awesome patron who was rocking the karaoke mic to some sexy 70's hits. We made a few comments and almost befriended this guy. He sat down at our table and started talking about him in the air force, other life stories, and he had to show us his daughter's picture on his phone and we gawked over that for afew and made some pretty obscene comments (she was very attractive), he got a good laugh. We'll call him Bob.

While we're talking and having a good time this woman walks in wearing these short shorts and pretty big heels. She walks up to the bar and orders a drink and while she is doing that I can't help notice Bob staring at her legs and ass. I look at my buddy and the idea must of entered our heads simultaneously as we both got big shit eating grins without saying anything. We'll call the woman Jill.

I blurt out, "Why don't you go try to capitalize on that?"

He replies with a story about not getting laid in so long and overall it was a real downer of a story and being it's my birthday we decided to change the subject. While we were talking Jill gets on the mic and rips it up, she honestly had a very impressive voice. Bob was dumbfounded and we could tell he was in love with this old slut. We keep telling him to capitalize on it before she gets claimed by someone else. He finally manages to gather up the balls to compliment her voice and eventually ends up asking us if we mind if she has a seat. And mind we did not!

While Bob was introducing us to Jill she reached over to shake my buddy's hand and in the process dumps my 16oz glass of beer, which I had just filled up, into my lap. If Jill was a guy I would of started a conflict over that, I was furious on the inside. I kept it cool, even after she blamed my friend for the mess that was now in my lap, running down my balls and legs and collecting in my belly button. I told Jill that she should probably dry off my dick and balls with her mouth because good beer was going to waste. She didn't like my comment and came back with something witty, I forget exactly what. We all laughed and put the spill which made it look like I lost all bladder control behind us.

We're sitting having a good time. My buddy tells Jill that Bob is his dad and she falls for it. Bob plays along calling my buddy Son and it's so believable and hilarious. I wish I could remember the entire conversation that took place at that table but I was spending too much time laughing to remember it all. At this point Jill and Bob are doing karaoke duets and we think that Jill is a sure thing for Bob at this point until shit goes sour.

While Jill is singing Bob leans over and says that the guy at the table behind him wont stop staring and giving him dirty looks. We'll call him Tool 1. We tell bob to just ignore Tool 1 and not to worry about it. That makes Bob feel better and we continue laughing and having a good time. Between songs a lady from the group that Tool 1 belongs to comes over and says, "Hi, I don't want to create any problems but you guys need to stop pissing off my brother, I don't want any trouble I just think that you should stop pissing off my brother."

I'm confused as to why this bitch is coming over here to mediate an issue that doesn't exist so I reply with, "Uh...you're the one creating trouble right now, we haven't bothered anyone or done anything wrong. We don't any problems, It's my Birthday and I'm just here to have a good time."

She attempts to argue with me and escalate the situation but I just kindly ask her to leave us alone and not to start any issues. You never try to mediate a conflict in an environment with alcohol, ever. It makes things worse and people get angry. This dumb bitch was actually dumb.

Now things get out of control. Bob doesn't listen to us. He won't stop talking about how bad he feels that he, for whatever reason, pissed off Tool 1. After copious amounts of complaining he gets up and walks over to Tool 1. Right then me and my buddy know this is going to be the breaking point of the evening. Bob and Tool 1 talk for a bit while Tool 1's whole family (6+ people) stand behind Tool 1 like some magical brawl is going to occur. Bob apologizes for having done nothing wrong and sits back at our table.

Bob goes out side to smoke a cigarette the entire Tool Family follows him. Me and my buddy are pretty sure Bob is going to have a train run on his face. On the way out the door Tool 1's brother, Tool 2, send a motion to me and my buddy that he wants us to come outside too, why? We didn't do anything to anyone. We decide to ignore it and continue to consume our beer and have a good time. One of the tenders runs out the door to make sure things are OK. A few seconds after the tender leaves, she returns and the Tool Family is right behind her, but no Bob.

Jill returns from the ladies room and asks my buddy where his dad went. He told her Bob is outside and that he probably just got his ass kicked by the Tool Family. She is concerned about Bob and also the fact that my buddy, who is suposed to be Bob's Son, really doesn't give a shit. She runs outside and returns to tell us that Bob is OK but very upset. We still really don't care.

Jill and Bob talk in the parking lot for a while and Jill comes back in to let my buddy know his Dad left. After Bob left the tender came over and explained the conflict to us as she knew we were not part of it. It turns out Bob is a regular who is not welcome. He has a carpet bomb strategy and hits on every piece of ass and is very persistent. I guess before we arrived at the bar Bob was hitting on Tool 1's mother and Tool 1 and his whole family didn't appreciate it. We thank her for keeping us all on the same page.

Soon after the tender informed us Tool Family gets up and leaves. While they are gathering their stuff Tool 1 and Tool 2 still have a staring problem and for whatever reason look mad. Probably because they have small dicks, anyways. Tool Family leaves with the exception of two older gentleman. We'll call them Jesus Biker (6'0" tall and easily 300lbs) and Nice Guy.

Jill comes over and lets us know she is going to leave. After she leaves the bar starts to thin out and at this point there's only about 10 people still hanging around. Me and my buddy are still just having a good time until he overhears Jesus Biker tell Nice Guy that they want to get into a fight. My buddy let's me know and I glance over to see Jesus Biker giving me the stink-eye. We both know how to handle this situation, kill them with kindness.

I walk to the bar and order Jesus Biker a bottle of MGD and bring it to his table, as he was just about to finish the one he had in his hand. The look on Jesus Biker's face was so fucking awesome. I could tell he wanted to put his fist though the back of my head. Nice Guy thought it was the the funniest thing and started laughing. I asked Nice Guy what he was drinking and after catching his breath from laughing he said he was fine but did thank me for asking.

Jesus Biker was not impressed or pleased. He took the beer which I bought for him and placed it on another table while continuing to stare. On his way to the bathroom I couldn't help but read the patches on his leather vest. "I ride for Jesus" was everywhere and so was a bunch of stuff about 9-11, Freedom, and more stuff about Jesus.

While Jesus Biker is taking care of nature business I give a thumbs up to Nice Guy and he gives one back. Nice Guy finally understood that we were never looking for any trouble and didn't want any trouble. Even if we did, what is Jesus Biker going to do? He's too fat to actually fight. I guess he could sit on us? Regardless, I have found though personal experience that people who look like they can't fight usually have weapons handy. No need to get mangled over nothing.

Jesus Biker sits back down at his table and has a few words with Nice Guy. Jesus Biker get's mad and seems to think it's necessary to yell, "FUCK YOU FAGOTS, THIS IS MY BAR"

Nice Guy has a interesting face on and shrugs. He turns to Jesus Biker and says something else, at this point Jesus Biker storms out of the bar and takes off. Nice Guy soon follows. I am thinking to my self, if this is Jesus Biker's bar then why is he leaving? Shouldn't we be the ones leaving? Anyways, we killed him with kindness.

Five large pitchers of beer and four double jack on the rocks between the both of us later we are pretty shit-faced. The last two double jacks I ordered prompted the tender to ask me who was driving, I responded with a point to some random guy and a told her everything is under control and we have it handled. The rest of the night is pretty laid back as everyone who was there to create drama had left. Last call is called and $97.42 later the night is over. It was a good birthday.

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TLDR:

Get call from ex, give ex dick, leave.

Move all work to next week.

Get very high.

Eat good food.

Go to bar.

Befriend Bob and Jill.

Get entire glass of beer dumped on my lap.

Avoid conflict with kindness.

Buy Jesus Biker beer.

Piss off Jesus Biker.

Get drunk.

Go home.