Bipolar and psychosis and altered states of perception

Finally I understood, we are all the same person, we are all the possibilities, all the choices, all the emotions and reasons man can conceive. Each one of us is the alpha and the omega of mankind.
As the realization dawned on me I began to cry uncontrollably, I uttered repeatedly "why did you teach me to divide, mom?" "Why did you teach me to divide?"
My perception of the self had shifted from being myself to being everyone. I was now responsible for the nuclear destruction in Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
I tried and tried to reason a meaning for their sacrifice...The things that disgusted me were now my own sins. All the rapists, molesters, murderers and thieves, were only a reflection of myself.
At the time I was visiting a friend of mine who was in a coma, he was surrounded by members of his church who were playing guitar and singing, praising the lord...What I remember is fragmented as many moments had been blacked out
They offered to take me to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation

I did not understand why I was going but I agreed, having regressed to the most helpless forms of consciousness I can remember. I was completely overwhelmed by the realization.

During the car ride they asked me to repeat "Jesus Christ is my lord and savior" I could not understand why they asked me to do this. I thought perhaps it would help my comatose friend. Unsteadily I repeated "Jesus Christ is my lord and savior"

Their faces brightened with smiles and suddenly I thought "Am I Jesus Christ?" I was unsure until the window was opened and the intense smell of fresh grass triggered an intense high. I thought I had the power to become high just by remembering a scent. I concluded I must be Jesus. Exhilarated i yelled at the top of my longs "Jesus Christ is my lord and savior"

Suddenly I realized this was the beginning of a new age and I could only hypothesize that my followers would meet me at the hospital.
Once in the hospital I suddenly believed that 1984 was a prophecy for this very moment and I was certain I would be tortured until I declared my love gone and admitted I loved big brother.
In an effort to stay awake and In good spirits I began to sing inside the hospital room. I must have sang for hours straight until finally I decided it was best if I go to sleep.

My Pancreas was under a lot of stress, I had gone into shock. Much of what happened in those first days was completely lost to memory, but I remember that I believed the Television was talking to me and providing me with the necessary messages I would need to complete my mission. Briefly I had also felt a presence of another individual that also inhabited my body. All this time I believed that soon the destruction of the world would pass and that the hospital bed was actually a secret location that would keep me well. I was anxious to go outside and investigate if destruction was truly occurring, I got off my bed and tried to walk outside, after a few attempts, and blacked out event I was injected with Haldol (a tranquilizer)

Next thing I know I'm in a state funded hospital, The kind whose sole purpose is to medicate patients and offers zero therapy. Only I never remember arriving. The last couple of days were completely lost to me, (only after some time could I remember) And I had come to believe that I was dead.

I had come to believe that I had died and that everyone around me was a projection of my subconscious. They were sick and it was my job to heal them. Only by forgiving, loving and accepting each one of them could I be free of the burden that I carried.

Here was my wife, my brothers, my mom, my dad, my step dad, Satan, and archangels. Their identity was obvious to me, their appearance, their name, their mannerisms were all symbolic and helped me understand who they were. I believed each person to be a chapter in my life, an opportunity to correct my sins. I met each patients offered my help and upon shaking their hands filled my heart with love and acceptance.
No one at the hospital was aware of what I was thinking, I had thought that like in "Fight Club" one never speaks about the subject. So for a month
I systematically met everyone in the hospital found my subconscious connection to them and let go of any of the burdens they represented.
But after being twice rejected for a discharge I agreed to take their medication (an antipsychotic)

Though psychotic, when I didn't feel manic, I felt utterly content. I would slowly chew on the (crappy) food and be just completely grateful for the food, savoring as much as I could. I felt connected with everyone and empathic towards everyone.
When I finally swallowed the antipsychotic, the dream stopped, the feeling of being connected disappeared.

Finally a little over a month after the initial evaluation I was out but now I would face real hell.

As soon as I exited the hospital I experienced an intense feeling of dissasociation and derealization. Everything seemed "unreal" as If I was merely watching a movie about my life and not actually participating in it. The dissasociation was so severe that there would be a tangible time delay between speaking and hearing myself speak. It seemed like even my very words came from a source outside of myself. I was also dissasociated from my body, I could not feel heat or cold or pain. Non existent sex drive
In essence I was emotionally dead.
For the next three months I battle a depression in which I contemplated suicide daily. I was so unstable I lost my job.
My psychiatrist would prescribe me antidepressants but every week I would feel worse. Completely unmotivated to do anything (even watch TV)
Until eventually though on a high dose of antidepressants, I just gave up and attempted suicide by slitting my neck, after unsuccessfully cutting any veins I gave up the attempt
This landed me back at the state run hospital.
I spent two more weeks there...my anti psychotic had been increased
I had no motivation, no will. about a week later I pleaded with my doctor to lower my dose of antipsychotics
almost immidieately I felt an improvement in motivation, and imagination
I began to meditate focusing on healing myself. Everyday, twice a day.
Meditation has done wonders...for the past four months I was so negative, I didn't have the will to do anything but since I've begun to meditate again Ive stopped feeling so negative, so hopeless. Got enough motivation to post on GC

One more story:
Few weeks ago, I was feeling kind of down when suddenly my visual perception changed. It mimicked the kind of change in space/depth that lsd or psylocibin creates. Everything seemed beautiful, more alive, more vibrant. My ability to visualize, and recall images increased. My sense of smell increased. My sense of depression disappeared.

Well, thats my story

 

WeII it made me reaIize that I gotta be more humbIe in Iife. It made me reaIize that UItimateIy I don't know nothing. So I'm a Iot more skepticaI of my ideas now in the hopes that they don't Iead me back into that very disorganized thinking I was in. I tried to Iive my Iife pureIy on intuition but thats a reaIIy arrogant way of doing things? Is it? I'm trying to be more baIanced between the Iogic of my Ieft brain and the intuition of my right.

It aIso made me more appreciative of my friends and famiIy and aware of the roIe I pIay among them. I reaIized I've just gotta take one more day at at time.

And aIthough I do necessariIy subscribe to the christian god I have prayed a Iot more, I don't expect any answers but I think the point is to increase your faith, to me faith is so powerfuI, it creates strenght where there was no strenght before
and meditation is so seIf empowering, I have aIways beIieved that individuaIs have the capacity to HeaI themseIves and meditation and faith together can achieve wonders

Thanks for the feedback Oh My Kush
You just gotta take it one day at a time