Bill Gates

Sometimes, late at night, I shed all of my clothing, coat myself in butter
and go outside to think about what Microsoft means to me. I think about Bill
Gates, Where he is, what he is doing, who he is thinking about.is he
thinking about me? I wonder why he never returns my calls and why I am told
to never call again.. I always laugh when I get his responses to my emails,
asking him to be my best man at my marriage to Lara Croft, stating " I will
be forced to press charges if I receive any more emails from you. This has
now become harassment!" Sending the guy from the F.B.I. to my house was
hilarious. I still laugh hysterically from the time I was outside his house
at 2:30 AM, singing into the loudspeaker "Wind beneath my wings" (that's our
song). He had me thrown in jail and I had to call my parents. Then my mom
tells me "Stuart.. You're thirty-five years old..Your Father and I feel you
should begin too.." (click). Well MOM!!! I DID IT ON MY OWN!!! I GOT OUT!!!
I HEAR YOU AND DAD TALKING ABOUT ME UPSTAIRS!!! DO YOU THINK I LIKE LIVING
IN YOUR BASEMENT!!! I'VE TRIED TO GET A JOB!!! LARA CROFT WILL BE MY WIFE
MOM!!!! WHAT HAND LOTION, MOM?!?! I DON'T HAVE YOUR HAND LOTION!!! I WANTED
FROSTED FLAKES!!!! NOT COCOA PUFFS!!! YOU NEVER GET IT RIGHT!!! I'LL SHOW
YOU!!!! I'LL SHOW BOTH OF YOU!!!! SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY!!! Someday... (ehem)

Bill sure likes to kid around.

I see those messages you send me Bill, through your operating system, that
pop-up on my screen.Kernel32.DLL. Read you loud and clear Bill, have already
stocked up on water and canned goods. It's too bad only you and I know the
real truth. I know the photos taken of you are ones that you have had done
just for me.I've saved each and every one, had a couple blown up to poster
size. I know it's you Bill, that walks with me through the hallowed grounds
of Quake 3 Arena and it is because of this I am so successful. I had hoped
you would have stopped by on your Birthday, had to blow out all the candles
on your cake by myself.again. I sometimes wear the socks I got for you.

I know you think of me Bill.. I know you're just kidding around. Call me.


It was like they've never seen anyone lick gravy off the bottom of a plate.
STOP DOING THAT!!!! WHY DO WE CELEBRATE THE DOG'S BIRTHDAY AND NOT MINE
!?!?!?! My mom then gives me the "Stuart.. Your father and I feel that
because you are thirty five years." THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!!! I then slammed
my plate on the table, got up, went to the door and took off down those 10
stairs down to my pad like a bat out of hell. What do they want me to do? I
've sent my credentials to companies, they know who I am; some have replied
and stated, "We've yet to have an opening for someone with your skills. When
we have the need for "the baddest fragger and computer tweaker around, plus
close friend of Bill Gates" you will be the first we call. Please do not
send us any more information about yourself, your life, your parents, your
computer or whatever else you email us about. Please." Kidders. We talk
all the time. SEE MOM!!!! THEY KNOW ME!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT!?!?! THE
TIME HAS TO BE RIGHT DAD!!!!!! I'LL SHOW YOU!!! REMEMBER CHRISTMAS IN
1977?!!!!? REMEMBER THAT?!?! ALL I WANTED WAS THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN
ACTION FIGURE WITH MOBILE LAB UNIT!!!! YOU NEVER GET IT RIGHT!!!!

I hear them talking about me upstairs. I know what they're saying. I know
what they've said to the neighbors. I see the neighbors staring at me,
watching my every move while I am outside. They are always watching me,
taking pictures and video of me. I mainly go out at night, keeps them from
seeing me, though I think Mr.Young has an infrared camera. I've designed a
suit to block the infrared; problems lie in the all foil proto-type. I've
sent the design to NASA, said they would get back to me, should hear
something soon. I've also put aluminum foil over the basement windows to
keep them from spying on me. I think they are trying to see my Quake 3
skins. The foil will put an end to that.

It's time for my nightly 8:00pm email to my friend Bill. We always have a
glass of milk together at this time.



Dear Bill,

I guess Steve is still getting my email to you. I think he's jealous of our
friendship. I had to drink the glass of milk I poured for you, started to
get warm. The last time I waited the milk became a solid, it made my mom's
dog very sick. I sometimes talk to the poster I had made of you. I am still
saving all of my finger and toenail clippings. I still have my lucky Banana.
Write back.

Love,

Stuart

There is nothing that gets you in the mood for Quake like NyQuil, about 10
capfuls does the trick. I sometimes pour it over ice if I feel it's going to
be a long night. I never drink any before 5:00pm, except for one time, I
ended up vomiting and passing out on the kitchen table at a dinner party my
parents were having, not my fault they had the party the same day the
Government decided to split up Microsoft. It's not like I made the dog eat
my puke, he did that on his own. I was passed out.

I was testing my anti-infrared suit late last night and one of the neighbors
called the cops. I think I know who it is; they'll pay. The cops gave me a
ticket for public intoxication, told them drinking NyQuil isn't illegal;
they seem to think I was on something else. They think that just because a
guy is naked and wrapped in Aluminum foil that he's been smoking PCP or
something. I tried to explain that I was doing a 'beta' test for my
anti-infrared suit, but they didn't care. They'll thank me when it saves
them someday.

My mom keeps telling me to throw away my lucky banana, she says it stinks. I
keep telling her that it hasn't had a smell since 1998 but she never
listens. I was getting ready to eat the banana the day Windows 98 arrived, I
was told that it was on back order and it appeared two days after release. I
know it was because of Bill and the karma I get from this banana.

I don't understand why my mom keeps complaining about me sleeping until
2:00pm, she keeps saying "You'll never get a job if you keep sleeping that
late" but she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.

I hear them talking about me again. I HEAR YOU!!!! YOU THINK MY LIFE IS
EASY?!?! IT WASN'T ME WHO CALLED THE COPS ON DAD ABOUT A CHILD PORN RING!!!!
THAT'S HIS BUSINESS!!!

I had better write Bill. I always email him at 2:30pm, gives me a half an
hour to wake up and won't be so grouchy.

Dear Bill,

I got my dad back for calling you a crook and a thief, let's just say he'll
have some serious explaining to do at church on Sunday I think Lara is
getting suspicious of my love for Kristina Abernathy on the Weather channel.
I saw Kristina smiling at me again when she was talking about the heat
coming up from the south and moving into my area. We know what she means,
don't we Bill..I was wondering if you could just go ahead and send me a copy
of ME? I could come to your house and pick it up. I am wearing the shoes I
found in the trash can behind my dad's office. Call me.

I like taking Metabolife. It gets me through the day. I usually take five
when I wake up in the afternoon and five more before the NyQuil kicks in. My
new drink of choice is a Metabolife and NyQuil cocktail, blended with ice.
It's tough to blend but if you let the Metabolife soak for a few minutes in
the NyQuil blending is much easier. It's great for a long night of Quake. I
am trying to get a bartender buddy of mine to put on his menu; he said he'd
think about, should hear back from him soon.



My mom has been reading about video games and violence; she has expressed
some concern for me. I told her it's not the games, it's her and dad dissin'
me all of the time. They should just leave me the hell alone. I can hear her
talking to my dad about it upstairs

I HEAR YOU !!!! GAMES DON'T CAUSE VIOLENCE!!!! IT'S THOSE DAMN TELETUBBIES
THAT CAUSE VIOLENCE!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY ANYWAY?!?!?!?! THE DAYS OF
WARD CLEAVER ARE OVER!!!!! MIKE BRADY IS GONE ALSO!!! HELL THAT GUY WAS GAY
ANYWAY!!!!! TIMES HAVE CHANGED!!!! YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE MOM ?!?!?!? YOU'RE
IN THE JUNGLE BABY!!!!!!



I am trying to get legislation passed in Congress that would put an end to
the Teletubbies. I think they are Satan worshipping cult that sends
subliminal messages to children, those costumes and voices don't fool me. I'
ve noticed the increase in crimes by kids since this show has been on the
air.. Coincidence? I don't think so. I've also been writing the F.B.I. about
this, should hear something soon.



I've had to break up with Lara because of my love for Kristina Abernathy on
the Weather channel. I had better write Bill about this..

Dear Bill,

I broke up with Lara today. It wouldn't have worked out anyway, she's always
off in some part of the world doing her thing and we don't get to see each
other much. I think she understands, only hope she gets over me soon. I wish
Kristina would stop teasing me on the air like she does, telling me about
the heat and moisture down south, winking at me, she knows it drives me
crazy. I've asked her to take some vacation time to come up and meet my
parents. I think I am going to marry this one Bill and I want you to be my
best man, it will be so great! I have a mortician friend who'll give us a
good deal on tuxedo's, he also said he can give me a great deal on a ring. I
think someone wants the plans to my anti-infrared suit; there have been a
lot more people with dark glasses following me lately. I've shaved all of my
chest hair. Write back soon.