Bill Clinton Jokes

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by weedboss, Jun 14, 2003.

  1. It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
    Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

    The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing
    some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?' "

    She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who
    had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

    "Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the
    people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?' "

    Again there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln,
    1863."

    The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba,
    who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

    As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud
    whisper, "Damned Japanese."

    "Who said that?" she demanded.

    Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

    At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom
    superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw
    up."

    Teacher said, "Who said that?"

    Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese
    Prime Minister, 1991."

    Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!"

    Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica
    Lewinsky, 1997."

    Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a
    famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story. During the course of
    his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision
    during the Presidency."

    Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski!
    I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision."

    "How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.

    Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best
    and my worst decision for the same reason."

    "That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.

    Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."

    Nixon and Clinton Compared

    Nixon: Watergate
    Clinton: Waterbed
    Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
    Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

    Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
    Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

    Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
    Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

    Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
    Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

    Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
    Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

    Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
    Clinton: (No difference)

    Nixon: Ex-President
    Clinton: Sex-President

    Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
    Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"

    Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
    Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

    Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
    Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot

    Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
    Clinton: Took on Ho

    Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
    Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her

    Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?" A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car." Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?" A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

    The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a Yankees
    game. The row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents.
    One of them leaned over and whispered in the President's ear. Mr.
    Clinton paused, then grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and
    heaved her over the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of the
    dugout, screaming obscenities.

    The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives
    all around.

    The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered, "Mr.
    President, I said it's time to throw out the first pitch."

    Bill & Hillary Clinton are celebrating their 25th Anniversary. All 25 years Bill has kept a large box under his side of the bed. He asked Hillary never to look in his box, and so she obeyed. But, on the morning of their 25th, she couldn't stand the suspense any longer. She opened the box and there were three empty beer cans and $1800 cash. She closed the box and put it back. At dinner, she looks to Bill and says, "Bill, I never looked in your box all 25 years,but I had to look today. The suspense was killing me. Though, I'm confused. Why three beer cans and $1800?" He looks at her a few moments then tells her. " Hillary, every time I was unfaithful to you, I kept an empty ber can." Hillary still looks puzzled." Ok Bill, I know the three times you were unfaithful. I'm hurt but that's over with, But why $1800?"
    Bill says," Well, every time the box got full, I went to recycling and kept the money."

    Last week, God, Jesus, the Pope, Billy Graham, Moses and his Messenger,
    Gabriel, had a very important meeting. They were troubled by the
    President's inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only viable
    course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their
    message across to him.

    The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment so that it
    equaled the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great
    meditation and discussion, they concluded that Number 11 should read:
    "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
     
  2. hehehehe.. all good, but i particularly liked "Monica had a big mouth"
     
  3. whats the same between monica lewinksy and a vending machine?






    "insert bill here"
     
  4. lol...lmao...thats funny shit, throw out hte first pitch..rofl
     
  5. and they're off, faster than clinton's pants
     

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