In most cases I like being open, and not just with people I know. But I’m not always open with everybody, and sometimes being too open leaves me in a state that feels vulnerable. When I keep myself hidden, there is a feeling of standing apart, and as such, I seem to be more ‘in control’. I can ensure that what I want or don’t want happens more easily because I only need to reveal enough to have that take place. It is in my nature to explore who I am in any given moment, knowing that for some, this puts me at a disadvantage in their eyes. To be open means that not only what goes out is real, but what comes in, what gets experienced, is too. Openness is a two-way thing. In order to know what is ‘out there’, I have to know what is 'in here' first. In order to know myself I have to know myself as myself in different situations, so that who I prefer to be, who I didn’t even know I could be, comes out. Without being open these things can’t happen. If it matters that I am more of who I am, then it is only through being open that I will become so, otherwise there is only so far I can go. In order to give love I must feel love. In order to feel love I must be open to it. Love exists on many levels, and only the highest one will do. So while I sometimes find myself not as open as I intend to be, for what feels like good reasons at the time, for the most part it is out of fear, which is based on belief, and a belief that creates fear, for the most part, doesn’t help. By letting go of those beliefs, by being open, I get to experience more of who I am. Revealing myself isn’t easy because there are things I haven’t yet found a way to say. Perhaps they don't need to be said. But it is why I speak. To know myself is to reveal myself, and to be myself involves revealing who that is so that something gets reflected back. I don’t need this reflection, but it is through reflection that I see myself through other's eyes, who are also me, just from another point of view. Unless I want to be alone, such reflections matter. But when I come across those I feel a connection with, it changes. In those moments, all these ideas disappear; the ego-mind falls away, and I am who I am with them. Who I am is what they get, and once the ego is out of the way, who I am feels far more real.
Thank you for this. I've struggled with what it means to be open. Sometimes I think I am, then realise I was holding myself back from saying what I really felt. I don't want to hurt anyone or push someone away, but I also want to tell the truth. The best I can do sometimes is to be quiet. To not say anything can feel better than to say something that isn't completely true.