Becoming and Dating someone who smokes

Discussion in 'Real Life Stories' started by weRanotherworld, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. Hi guys, this is my first thread as yes, I'm new to this page and the smoking life pretty much. But not really, I'll explain.

    Before I met my boyfriend, I was never into smoking. And when we met, he told me he did but he wasn't at the time. Apparently I met him when he was taking a break. So later on in our relationship, he started smoking again. At first it was pretty recreational, here and there, then there were people that we knew that he smoked with, and now he smokes many times a day every day. At least 3 times a day, at most 6 or 7.

    What's wrong with that? Nothing I suppose. Except for the fact that I don't smoke a lot and my boyfriend and I are in a situation that a) I think he uses smoking as a crutch in order to get through the day and b) I think I'm at the point where I might need to smoke to get through the day but I'm not there yet (in terms of being able to smoke that much). So most times if I'm stressing about things or wanting to talk things out or sort things out, he'll be high and then I'll get frustrated because he's high. And I don't know if the frustration is that I'm not as high or I don't get high that much, or I'm frustrated that he smokes.

    See, my boyfriend lives with his mom. But it's not like a bum thing where he didn't try to leave and he lives with his mom. The thing is that his dad passed away late last year, my boyfriend's the man of the house now (understandable), but his mom doesn't do anything to help with the house or the family business. My boyfriend and I are the responsible ones while his mom and her new boyfriend act like irresponsible teens. So when his dad passed, he kind of got stuck. And now his mom and sometimes his grandparents get him to do everything for them (I'm dating a Russian, btw) and they don't do anything for themselves, and my boyfriend and I get stuck with the short end of the stick at least 99% of the time. So I get pissed because of how unfair these things are, then he smokes and gets over it and I'm stuck still being pissed. And it's like this all the time. Things that I'm like "you don't see this as a problem?!" he just shrugs/smokes off and he just thinks it's funny.

    So now I'm the one wanting to smoke as much as he does (or close to it anyway) in order to deal with the many things that we're dealing with and I'm wondering how you go about doing that? And what it's like to go from someone who doesn't smoke a lot to someone who smokes all the time?

    I guess I'll start that thread with those issues. I'll be glad to elaborate/continue on some topics please ask me about anything else that's going on because I really need someone to talk to, lol.
  2. Why do you need to smoke just as much as him? Smoke until you feel all set, you dont need to keep up with him. Enjoy your tolerance while its low.

    Also smoking wont really get rid of those issues that are stressing you out.

    He probably dosn't mind getting stuck with the short end of the stick b/c its his family. Like you said he's now the man of the house and sounds like he's trying to accept that role.
  3. It sounds like he just accepted the fact that right now you are in a tough spot and there isn't really much to do but ride it out for a while. You need to have a talk with him though, and you being frustrated has nothing to do with being high or not. Times are hard, and you're in a tight situation at the moment. Only thing you can really do is laugh it all off and try to move forward like he is. Just enjoy that he is a somewhat calm individual. There are plenty of people out there in the same shit and they don't just relax & smoke some weed. They're out breaking shit, or hitting their partners. Just keep your head up things will get greater later. :)
  4. I agree he's accepting that role and I'm all fine with that. It's admirable and such, for sure. It's just that his family (his mom in particular) is taking advantage of that fact.

    For instance, they've got a business (that I'm a part of too now), and his mom will screw around, forget to tell us important things, say things last minute, come in way late or make one of us go, she screws around with money and acts like a kid and pretty much...does things without ever dealing with consequences. Because my boyfriend (her son) will foot the bill every time. Like, every time. Bills, disconnections, errands, everything.

    She tries to say that she can't handle anything because she doesn't know or speak english. But she does. She's dating an american and they communicate all the time, no big deal. And she runs the store and there aren't problems there. But she does what she wants and my boyfriend gets the stressful consequences. And then I have to deal with them just as much. But whereas he smokes and plays video games to destress or vent, I don't get that luxury. So when I flip out or want to flip out, I normally have to keep it to myself in order to keep from seeming irrational I guess.

    And I feel like if I smoke as much as him, I won't worry nearly as much. But I also don't like the fact that I have to do that in order to not worry, stress, complain etc.
  5. Smoking isn't the issue I see. I think you should just smoke when you want to smoke. There is nothing wrong with it. It will help you deal with all the bullshit you're enduring. Yet, IT WILL NOT change the situation. Yes pot is great and you should smoke it like it's oxygen but all the problems are coming from miscommunication. Really just need to sort out all the possible ways to get the problems handled (mother in law) and you won't be so worried/focus about it being used to cope with all these problems. At least my 2 cents. Not sure if that made much sense haha. I'm sure it's like a guilty feeling that you're dealing with as well though. Also welcome to the city! <3
  6. What you said is true "4Ridgemont4", but...I don't know what it is. I just feel like sure, you can accept things and move on, right? Cool. But I think there's a line between accepting things and being trampled on and shoved in the mud and keeping a happy face (cuz you're high) and saying things'll get better later. Because what if later never comes?

    This business I speak of is a convenience store. Small place. But it's they're only source of income. And my boyfriend's gotta go back to community college classes soon which means that I'll be here more often than I am even though I'm here a lot. And I don't want this stuff with his mom and home life and all that to keep him in this crappy cycle. I feel like he's a talented guy, I love him...and I just think that all of this stuff is really going to hold him back and he'll feel like he deserves it or there's no way out of it, or it's just what he has to do. And he never becomes himself even more than he is.

    Sometimes I try to get him to come to my place and I speak of the simpler times we could have over there (since I just moved there a few months ago). But he says we can't run away from responsibility. And I agree. But it's frustrating that he refuses to leave the house (the chaos) in lieu of something simpler because you can't run away from responsibility. Or family in that situation. Even though his mom does every day and leaves us to deal with it.

    I don't see an end to it. And I tell myself that I love my boyfriend and I hate the situation. But what if the situation never changes and my boyfriend refuses to take the many steps forward to make things better? I've always wondered if how much I'm supposed to stay in the chaos storm with him because I love him. He's someone I'd like to marry someday...and if married life would be like this? Is this what he have to look forward to?

    and PS: sorry if my responses are way lagged. I'm at the store on this spotty connection :(
  7. Okay, so if you were in his shoes, how do you think you'd attempt to solve some of these problems:

    1) his mother's dating this guy who's super shady. She says she loves him (which is odd since her husband of 20 years passed away not even 8 months ago...I think her and her current boyfriend were seeing each other before), but really only wants his money. She keeps tabs on him, literally. on AT&T GPS. takes the majority if not all his money into a direct deposit type of thing then when he goes missing every Friday (when he gets paid) because he gambles, she acts surprised and tries to get me and my boyfriend to help her find him.

    2) she uses business funds to buy him stuff. Like more than the necessities. Bought him an $800 truck.

    3) she takes her time and comes to work at least an hour to 2 hours (sometimes 3 hours) past opening time and then we get the shit end of the deal if we don't make a lot of money that day.

    4) There's bills piling up on the table.

    5) She redirects bill collectors to my boyfriend's phone number sometimes.

    6) It's just on and on and on and other than his mom, it's just an endless cycle of waking up at noon (sometimes for him), smoking, video games, doing errands for the store or the house, fussing with his mom, going to the store, coming home and smoking and playing video's like his mom and that house and his life won't let us experience being a couple while we are one and we really have to dig our way out of the big pile of crap and look at each other and smile to get through it every day...but it's a daily battle and I don't know how long I can continue digging. And the times that we do have good event-free days are awesome but those are extremely few and far between.
  8. I love how you said that. +Rep.

    OP, I'm sorry. Maybe you can stand up to his mother?

  9. it is fucking awesome :smoke:
  10. Standing up to his mother would be difficult. For the obvious reasons of course, but she's russian and prefers to speak it all the time. Sometimes I wonder if her speaking to her boyfriend is only so she can tell him what to do or trick him or get what she wants in the short or long term. It sounds awful to say, but it's true! All the other times she speaks in Russian. And it would probably be deemed disrespectful in any culture to stand up to the mother in law because she probably thinks nothing's wrong and everything just happens to be going her way. Which usually happens when you disregard everyone else.
  11. But long story short, should I go ahead and start smoking more to deal with this stuff? I feel like if I start smoking more I won't be as productive or something, but I don't know...I already have so much on my brain as it is.
  12. Well get pissed at your boyfriend and tell him he needs to do something or at least talk to you while he is serious/sober or you are going to leave (bluffing of course..since you love him).
  13. If all you can do is smoke more, so be it. Like another said, it's not going to change anything. Weed shouldn't be used as a crutch.
  14. What does it accomplish if you do use it as a crutch like that? Anything?
  15. Nope. You just are high ALL the time and after a while you'd probably just get bored with life doing the same thing over and over. If I were you, I would either 1)try to change your situation or 2)just leave and be happy. I understand you love your boyfriend and he lost his dad, but it's causing you to be miserable all the time. Is that really what you want in life?
  16. No...but I was kind of hoping against hope that maybe we'd be high and when we sober up after long smoke sessions that last forever (lol) the probably would be addressed and resolved. Because for some reason he wakes up in the morning, smokes around breakfast time, smokes to play video games, smokes before he leaves to run errands, maybe smokes with a friend after errands, smokes a lil before work, after work and a couple times before bed and somehow or another...he gets shit done and laughs because "this is just the way things are" but he's not really going through all the raw stress emotion that I'm going through on a daily basis with the situation. And sometimes it transfers to him and he'll get stressed because his mom's rushing him somewhere (even though she takes her time everywhere) and he'll redirect his frustration at me because I couldn't find something fast enough and we "need to go" and then he'll smoke before we go.

    I'm guessing smoking would be better than drinking. I know I don't have a stomachache after I smoke, lol.
  17. Just tell him not to smoke and to talk with you. Communication is one of the main aspects of a relationship. You can't have one if you can't talk things out. If things don't progress forward then there are only few options to take. You could handle it like you are now, stressed out and confused (not recommended). You could smoke weed to cope with the issues but still continue to try and push forward (better than the first). Or you need to leave, because nobody should go continually lost in life and in wonder of how things will get better. I'm sure you love him but he has to know you're the number 1 lady in his life. His mother has a new boyfriend that should be supporting her and him coming over to help out is okay but he probably shouldn't be living there if you think he's being taken advantage of (epic run-on). Ultimatums are not good for a relationship but he needs to know you can't continue with the way things are and if he can't accept it it's time to move on? I don't know it's a complex situation and only you know what's best for yourself! Good vibes
  18. Your boyfriend must feel emotionally unstable and could careless about anything. He's gonna hit the wall soon, I don't know. Smoking all day and not giving a shit about anything but getting high. Not healthy imo. Get shit done then smoke.
  19. I do think he's a bit emotionally unstable but smoking tends to mask it for the most part. I've learned that to get him to talk I have to start talking right before he smokes, lol. He'll smoke mid-conversation and then open up a lil bit more because he's high.

    He does get shit done though, being the man of the house and such. He doesn't have much of a choice. He can't leave the house or stop doing things or make his mom deal with the consequences of her actions, or else everything will fall apart pretty much.

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