bad feels

i know there might be 2000 posts out there like this but i just thought i'd make one
 
anyways; i stopped smoking lately and i'm really not ever planning on doing it again. 
 
before i quit i had been smoking for around 4 years so none of it had anything to do with being new or anything because i actually enjoyed it a lot initially; it just seems like as time went on it just eventually stopped making me feel good at all
 
i don't know why.. i mean i already know i have issues with generalized anxiety and depression and i used to be on medication for it.. but either with or without the meds, it still happened..
 
it all kinda started about last year when i would smoke with my best friend, i started to notice how it didnt make me feel good anymore.. it just made me feel really detached and zoned out; which initially didn't bother me too much so i just went along with it.
 
after a while; it literally just started making me sort of freak out for a few minutes and then it would get better a little after that
 
then eventually towards the end before i stopped, i could not smoke at all without getting EXTREMELY paranoid; anxious; fidgety.. scared for my life and my thoughts were racing at like 4000 mph 
 
i remember one time i was so scared that i had to go in the other room with my boyfriend at the time and lay down with him and have him hold me because i was so afraid i was shaking; and when he did do that, i couldnt lay still; i got up and laid down on the floor and switched positions like every 30 seconds.
 
any thoughts on this?

 

wow even just thinking about all that to make this post is making me feel anxious

 

it got really meme-y in here really quickly