Awkward Doctor Visit

Ok, so today was awful, but there is always humor laden in suffering. I have had stomach problems for about a year now, undiagnosed as of yet, but I assumed I had some form of IBS. Lately, it has become unbearable; I am haunted by persistent nausea and I am unable to eat unless I'm high. I woke up this morning and the pain was so debilitating that I decided to go to see my Doctor, which is a rarity considering my inherent stubbornness.

My Doctor is a small Chinese woman named Dr.Whey (I am not a connoisseur of Asian name spellings, so don't be offended if that's incorrect.) and she is rather timid, almost overly polite, and quiet. We chit chat about my problems . . . blah blah Coffee turns my ass into a sub machine gun and then she asks if she can “examine” my ass to check for irritation. Naturally, I was a little hesitant, but at this juncture (Yes, I dared to use the word juncture.) I quite frankly didn't give a fuck what she did, as long as it worked towards the goal of liberation from my pain.

This is where her timid composure and politeness birthed an awkward situation. What stuck out to me first was she kept using the word poop or poopy when asking me questions and I returned each time with the word stool because … she is a fucking doctor… but whatever, I am nineteen, so she just wanted to make me comfortable? Once she decided it was time to dig in and examine the surface of my ass, I noticed that there was a puzzled look on her face. She didn't know how to go about it, so she just ripped off a huge piece of paper towel and threw it on the “examination” table. She then proceeds to explain that I need to get ass naked and lie down with my “flattering” areas (Yes, she indeed referred to my junk as flattering.) facing the paper towels. Then we just stood there and stared at each other.

I wasn't too keen on getting ass naked during a sick visit due to stomach problems, but God wanted me to feel awkward. I proceed to de robe in front of her, while we exchanged awkward glances. I felt like I was a Michael Cera character caught in an awkward pinch. Then I laid down, using the paper towels as some sort of cock protecting device, which made absolutely no sense considering she just got a special sneak preview. Then she examined the area pretty thoroughly and I just sat there staring at the wall thinking about how fucking awkward this was. I started to giggle, and I thought of what my friends would think if they knew about the situation I had been engulfed in, and then I let out a boisterous laugh. I tried covering my mouth but my hands were covering my makeshift paper Tarzan outfit, but then it came like an epiphany. My laugh caused me to let out a fart of utter greatness. I couldn't hold it back. She immediately withdrew from her examination, no laugh, not even a smile. She just stared and said in a lugubrious tone “No problems here, but I want to write you a prescription for Ranitidine”, and proceeded to scurry out of the room in embarrassment.

I have never left a doctors office in tears from laughing so hard and it turns out I have acid reflux and IBS, which I received medication for and hopefully it helps. I am sorry for the length and subject matter of this post, but I thought it was comical.

 

I agree, I was also disappointed.