Hey guys, this is long, I kinda put my heart into it, divulging some parts of my life, so be easy, but I am hoping someone will have some ideas, maybe share a belief they have. My main point is at the very end if you don't feel like reading it all, I know it's long. I have reached a spiritual crossroads in my life. In college now, I have had many experiences in life that have swayed me one way or the other. I was brought to a catholic church as a child, but following my parents divorce when I was very young, my mother was no longer allowed in the church. Living with her I had a very difficult childhood. She managed to bring me to CCD, which are classes you have to go to, to receive communion and confirmation, for those who don't know it by that name. We were very poor, and I lived with an abusive step father whose job was selling illegal pocketbooks and sun glasses at flea markets. We were very poor, pleasures were scarce, and I began to question my luck, and my faith. Having your mother, the only person I love and trust not be allowed in church speaks hugely about the establishment. She made a mistake and was not forgiven. After my communion, she asked if I wanted to continue CCD, and I said no. This was mostly probably because I hated sitting in class, and I knew she didn't have the time or money for it anymore. As I grew I began to read and question. The sciences grabbed my mind, and swept me into a world where I believed no religion, only in scientific facts. I also grew to learn that these “scientists†were people just like me, and that the world is still to this day very unknown to us. I searched for meaning, reason why my life was so bad. The story of Joeb, did not do much to comfort me, rather an excuse if I had ever heard one. Undying faith, will only breed bad decisions, but they may be decisions the person is happy with. I realized scientists don't know everything, and as I grew older and generated arguments, I found people were very upset that I would even question God, or the existence of one. I found refuge in my housemates at college who were eager to argue. I always argued for science, then for no, science cannot explain everything, getting confused, angry. All my studying and hard work could be in vain. I do not even know why I am alive. A world of buzzing people, and not one of them knows their true purpose, it's almost laughable I think. The summer before my senior year of high school, my young cousin drowned to death in a freak accident. He was 14 years old, young and full of life the last time I had seen him. He loved the water, took us wakeboarding. As I stood in front of his cold body, I couldn't even muster up words, couldn't even say goodbye. My voice couldn't leave my mouth. I squeezed his forearm and walked out of the funeral home torn to shreds. To any of you who haven't experienced tragic death, it is one of the most awakening experiences I can think of. When an older person dies, explanations and acceptance are easy, by comparison. Tragic death sent me into disbelief, how could someone watch over me, yet let so many terrible things happen in my life. I accepted for awhile that maybe we are just sort of a very complex ant farm, a play thing for a supernatural being. The ending scene to Men In Black, childish as it sounds, opened my eyes wide to the possible insignificance of our universe. It bothers me so much that people just go about their lives never questioning. We were given this ability to think, to question, so why not use it. God wouldn't have given it to you, if you weren't supposed to question. I am not here to attack religion, in fact, from a young age I deduced that my religion cannot be so close minded, because a majority of the world isn't Christian. So are they all wrong? I envy every single completely faithful person, who lays their head on their pillow each night, happy and content. They know where they are going when they die and they believe it, wholeheartedly. Most more arrogant people would call them stupid, and puppets, but maybe they are right, in some form. I learned that in Hinduism, that their God Krishna, (one spelling) manifests himself in many forms. He wouldn't manifest himself in the form of a pale skinned white man to go spread the word of god to Middle eastern people, or to Indian people for that matter. Instead of hating other religions and warring with them, they simply say, worship your god, be faithful and carry out your religious duties and you will be correct, and rewarded. It is the best approach to religion I can think of. If there is a God, wouldn't all his creatures, different in so many ways, worship him differently? <o></o> Anyway, that is my loose interpretation, but it was nice for me to learn, that at least one religion is more open minded than the one I was brought up with. <o></o> Hard things to get past for me. My girlfriend who has been through some of my hardest times with me, stood me up when I was struggling, supported me, presented me with a crucifix necklace, made of gold from her and her mother. By its weight I knew it was expensive. I thanked them and put it on. I have worn it everyday for the last 3 years. I have been called a hypocrite, during arguments, but I argue for neither side, I just want to discuss. I wear it as a symbol of their love for me, not my love for jesus. They pray for me, and my mental problems, I have some anger/emotional issues, but I am okay. I think if they believe and will pray for me, it cannot hurt to keep wearing the necklace. The hardest thing in my life is my grandmother. She is 66 years old, and has helped raise me my entire life. She is clear headed and successful and drives a new lexus. She is not senile in the least. She puts all her faith in me to get through college, and even paid for a semester when my loans fell through. This woman is the most loving generous person I have ever met and I am lucky to have her. The only problem is, she found jesus when she was 35. She has talked to, and has seen jesus. She told me that she speaks in tounges and the lord has talked though her before on occasion while she was praying. My first reaction was of, you're kidding right? But she was completely serious. She has been my best source of discussion for my entire life about religion. She encourages that I go to church, but never forces. She is the epitome of what a Christian woman should be like. She accepts everyone, but feels bad I cannot feel the love of Christ. She has unbiased answers for everything, you can hit her with technical arguments, but she says the church in an institution, the bible a book, you do not have to agree with everything to love jesus. She prays for me all the time, even that I will do well on tests and things. How can I believe there is no god, and accept that my grandmother has dementia or is senile at 66. She acts like she is in her 40s, and handles life with happiness and class I could only dream for. <o></o> Stuck between my rational mind, and my desire to believe I stand in the middle. The younger generation, my friends are all around 20 now, nobody has strong faith. If you know someone who really believes, they are very rare. You may disagree, but I live it, and I know. All my friends go to church, but as sort of a technicality. They all preach the big bang and science and I argue, not because I disagree, but to make them argue and spill all their beliefs. <o></o> During the “There is no God†arguments I stumbled up bringing up the concept of fire. They argue for a one in a trillion chance the world formed, and we just are because of that minute chance. But if the world evolved, why are we bounded by the laws of physics. Sure we can explain gravity, that's easy for us to grasp, but the law of conservation of energy? I know it has been argued before, but why do we have to adhere to that law? Fire makes it convenient though, fire breaks things down, releases energy into heat and light, without it our world could not function. We use fire for everything in life, cooking, heat, even in our vehicles. How when a planet forms, is it possible for this to just exist? Fire cannot be defined, you cannot bottle fire, it cannot exist without fuel, but it does exist, it is more than just light and heat, it is there. Anyway, it all seems to great, the complexity of our minds, our eyes, everything, how the plants, even marijuana effect us. Coincidence, that's your best argument I tell them. But I guess religion is almost as ridiculous if not more. <o></o> My latest thing to calm my mind, is that maybe there was a supernatural being, and maybe he has to operate under certain laws, so he cannot just poof and then there is change. If this being wants to start over, he can send an asteroid, or erupt volcanoes, but only under natural means. Now we as the know it alls we are, would explain it as, there was pressure building below, or that gravitation forces pulled the asteroid this way. But what if this supernatural being causes the forces, can only do so much as to influence nature. This could explain why he cannot intervene in our daily lives. This is a ramble and please do not be offended by the use of “he†describing this being. I read somewhere that the original mammal DNA just appeared, that warm blooded mammals did not evolve from anything as old as single celled organisms. That this DNA was placed there. I believe it was in flaws in the theory of evolution or something, it just appeared. Now we cannot link this DNA to anything before a certain time, so what then? Anyone who doesn't believe in some sort of evolution is ignorant, things evolve, we can clearly see that, but to what extent. We know about adaptation, but maybe it could be intelligent design, maybe that DNA was just a seed, a seed that would grow into an unknown species. Maybe it was all planned, I guess the jist, is maybe this “god†is also constrained, and can only change things slightly, and operate within our boundaries. So if tides change maybe he caused that, maybe it will cause something bigger, but he has to use physical things, in our boundaries to bring about this change. Perhaps the ice age was planned, we say it was caused by certain things, maybe he set off that chain reaction, just like it would explain the big bang. He couldn't just poof and a planet, he had to physically create a planet, and he started it with that process? <o> Basically, I want to believe there is some power, but can't let myself fall into a religion, buddhist schools of thought leave me feeling empty, the doctrine of no self, and arguments for there not being souls is depressing for me. They seem to only search for explanations like scientists do, and accept their fate. </o><o></o> I know there is much I do not know, age being my flaw. Everything I said should be followed with question marks, I do not believe I am introducing anything new, I just would like to believe in something. Maybe hear some new ideas, what you think of that one. Sorry if it was too long, thanks for taking the time to read it all if you did, I appreciate it. <o>much love, </o> -Jrh
QUOTE: Basically, I want to believe there is some power, but can't let myself fall into a religion, buddhist schools of thought leave me feeling empty, the doctrine of no self, and arguments for there not being souls is depressing for me. They seem to only search for explanations like scientists do, and accept their fate.END I'd suggest going for Advaita Vedanta. A good philosophy, good techniques. Complex when you first look at it but it contains what you seem to be looking for - and it allows you to form your own views within it's ideas too. I know it's hard to understand eastern tradition from the outside, but just to help: As a Buddhist I haven't found that the idea of no-self at all depressing. I am not me, but the whole - I find that makes me happy and inspires me to live. We also don't search for explanations (really that's more Hinduism and traditions like Jnana Yoga), it's not what we're really about, and we don't 'accept our fate'. But anyway... Look at Vedanta, you wont go far wrong if you want to maintain the idea of soul. MelT </O><O></O>
"It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, no matter how satisfying and reassuring." -Carl Sagan
I actually read parts of Advaita Vedanta for an intro to asian philosophy class, really good, the buddhist schools of thought really get my mind going, I am definately going to pick it up again, try to understand it all. And i didnt mean accept their fate in a bad way, i meant, they are content with it, whereas I want to believe I have a soul, but who knows, if we are all part of one power, that could be okay with me too. Got some reading to do! thanks
we know we haven't completed or job in life because we are still here, everything in this world is an illusion believe what you want and what you don't want because this is just one dimension of or life you can accomplish what you want its in your mind. your mind has the power to overcome anything you believe it can. muscle is not a scale of power, wisdom is.
I totally agree with t0k3r..... The human mind is such an amazing "invention" ,......maybe of some higher power, or maybe just of nature itself. We are capable of basically anything if you put your energy into it. Think of all the "miracles" you've heard of, I believe that they are nothing more than projections of our mind......In other words if you think about it hard enough or long enough, you will make it happen. Believe what you want, because you are absolutely 100% right no matter what anyone wants to tell you. It's all a matter of perception...
Every awakening leads you closer to the Truth in the end, but sometimes an awakening will first have to yank you slightly farther away from it. It's called contrast. I'd encourage someone to go to a place I enjoyed going as well. And what's wrong with loving Jesus? He did love you, I'm sure. Consciously or subconsciously. But were you to label yourself as a Christian... doesn't that mean you literally accept that Jesus is the one and only Christ? Or else wouldn't you be lying? Maybe God has to stretch out and learn just like us. I like to think of it as we have Universes in our heads. And to those people who say that there is no evidence of God or a "higher conscious power", I say this: God's showing only works when you're looking. If you deny something exists, you don't see it, except in your head. Then you think, oh, it's just me, and so it's not real. And for the sake of discussion, I'll just throw out there that I'd consider Catholicism a sort of cult because of it's doctrine, figurehead, and power structure and system of membership/dismemberment. Christianity is less constraining, and few pastors would call their church the "Christian Church", I think.
you say you argue with your grandma or your roomates, what does their opinion count? do you rely on someones guidance completely? do this and you will recieve this. maybe someone you speak with does know, how are they going to tell you something thats impossible to tell? whats acid like...? its that kind of question. try it and you will know. what if you find there is no power, will your world be shattered? you are going into it with a preconcieved notion that there is some power out there controling everything. try having an open mind that there may be no power, there may be nothing you are expecting. everyone is going to tell you 'this is how it is' whether it be no self or heaven/hell, whatever it is they all seem to try and sell you a great idea in a neat package. search for yourself, within yourself. with that mentality you are just going to land on whatever gives you the most satisfaction. believe in yourself.