ATM NO TLDR, Sorry If you're a TLDR kinda person, not the post for you. Scgood Grasscity... Haven't posted on this site in ages... I quit drugs in August/cut ties with friends associated to it/left that lifestyle... And since then a whole lotta positive change has happened for myself, along with a whole lot of shit to deal with. (THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG) Well I'm curious if anyone was raped/molested and how you dealt with it/the effects it had on you... I was molested from 4 - 6 years old. I have no idea how many times, based off my lack of memory growing up for all I know it could have been every day... I'll never have the justice of locking the man up who did it to me. We don't know his last name, etc... I remembered when I was around 13. I remembered two people who did it... I don't know if my memory was just skewed or if I was molested by two people... I don't know and probably never will. when I 14 I finally told my mom "I think I was molested by blah blah blah" and she was like "Are you sure it wasn't a dream" I was like "Pretty sure it happened because I have the memory..." And she pretty much hugged me, cried, then stopped the conversation/blocked it from her memory, I think she was in shock. Like her, I soon forgot I was molested and it went back into my memory vault to be remembered later on in my life. This is around the time when I started smoking weed/sleeping all day/not giving a fuck about life and wanting to die. (Never attempted suicide, sort of kinda, once had a knife to my wrists but I couldn't do it) Though I'd think about death all the time. I used to deeply meditate on the idea of death to the point where I'd feel as if I died... I conquered my fear of death at an early age by doing that. Since I was 15 I been a pothead. At 18 started being an avid user of mushrooms/recently in August I rolled on pure molly (which caused me to realize I have a cargo plane worth of pain to deal with that I've been ignoring through drug use. It also made me realize I'm a drug addict and need to stop or I'll end up in prison (I "hustling hard as fuck" if you will, I felt like my picture could have been on a investigation bulletin board..)). Molly was the most therapeutic event of my life and I am forever grateful for making that decision... as strange as that sounds. Twas' a blessing in disguise. Because I was molested, growing up I had a lack of self esteem, confidence, anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks, fear of success, everytime I'd be close to succeeding I'd fuck it up, I didn't like being touched, had huge trust issues, knew about sex when I was in pre-school, wanted to fuck girls from pre-school on-wards, started "masturbating" at like 4 years old (of course I couldn't cum but I loved how it felt to play with my dick), Once I could cum I loved masturbating even more which was around like 9?... I lacked any sense of respect for my self/was a "self saboteur," I'd fuck with out condoms on, I deliberately failed school growing up and in college, deliberately relapsed (would quite smoking then be afraid and start again), used my college tuition money to buy drugs. Smoke bowls on campus, on the way to campus, etc. Smoke bowls as I'm passing pigs. I'd drive around smoking blunts and joints with a bagged out quap/other misc' drugs in my trunk (pretty much asking to be arrested because of my lack of self worth). I didn't give a fuck and felt like I belonged in prison. This was last Winter to This summer (august). I'd "cry" at night wondering why the fuck am I doing this, I have a family that loves me, what the fuck is wrong with me. (My cousin would do the same shit as me but he never knew his family... So I understood why he did it, but I didn't understand why I was doing this shit when I had support). Towards the end of summer my nerves were so shut that I was snapping at the littlest of things (I have a "anger problem" and from 16-18 had control over it) how ever I was losing control over it and becoming violent. I was "crying" over littlest of shit like violins would make me tear up... Music that my grand parents used to listen to would make my "cry," looking at/talking to my dad (he's handicapped from a car accident) would make me "cry." My house was in foreclosure and I was hustling out of my basement and while I was waiting on people I'd pretty much sit there thinking and crying by myself in my cold light-less basement, till people would come by. Because I'm high they couldn't tell (my eyes would literally get squinted shut looking/red as fuck). I was having nervous break downs at least like once every 3 weeks; yelling at the top of my lungs, screaming, wanting to beat the fuck out of who ever is next to me, etc... In other words I was losing my mind/slipped into insanity for like half a year. Towards the last week of August (after rolling) I was analyzing a lot of my behavior (past/present) and realized I think I was molested (I forgot that I ever remembered, until I read online). After thinking that I may have been I had a dream: I was in my old house, wondering why I was there, I knew it was sold and I am technically breaking and entering. I go in my basement and am like fuck this place, it's scary as shit. Then go upstairs to my kitchen, as I enter my kitchen I see the man who did it, then my front door opens and the owners are home. I panic and I use my mind to crush the man who molested me and he turns into a pile of mush and blood and I grab a white paper towel and clean up the mess his body made with one swift swipe and then throw the towel out my kitchen window. Then I wake up. I didn't look into it until September (the day I woke up from the dream is when I looked up online) after I was totally done with the drug world. I read up on it online and as I read information about the effects/damages of being a child who was molested I started "crying" (As close to crying as I can get, I can't cry... I just tear up and get a tickle sensation that I can't seem to get past). As I read more I started to feel numb and my life force drain from me. I felt sick to my stomach, violently sick (beyond nauseous, I used to feel that sick to my stomach feeling all the time growing up). I also felt extremely filthy and disgusted, as well as a "knife stabbing pain" near my navel which again, I used to feel all the time growing up. (I hopped in the shower trying to make my self feel clean... where I noticed I've always had the habit of cleaning my self like 2-3 times after initially cleaning myself (to not feel filthy). The whole time I Was in the shower I was thinking about being molested and couldn't stop thinking about it. When I got to my room I laid down in my bed "crying," craving to trip or smoke or anything to not have this thought looping in my head. I now knew this (being molested) was the reason why I've been doing drugs all these years. But It still for the moment wanted to be high because load of repressed memories were barraging me as well as the feeling of disgust/thought of being molested. It was a great relief to finally find the missing piece to my puzzle, I've been searching for it for years... But it was also horrible because I did not feel comfortable in my own body... I sort of wished I never remembered because of how terrible I felt. I couldn't sleep for about five hours... I Was thinking about being molested, how dare he, feeling violated, filthy, felt like dying, wanted to do drugs, felt like killing him, pondering whether I'd beat him with a bat or slit his throat, cop a gun and shoot him. Then I realized that wouldn't do anything... I felt like he killed me. Cause he did kill me... For like 15 years I wasn't truly living. I used to wonder why I don't feel whole, why do I feel so different from everyone I talk to. At one point growing up I pondered am I a sociopath because I can't cry... but when my Grandpa died I cried at his wake/burial. Any who... That night I texted my Aunt (not blood related but she is like my 2nd mother) and said "tomorrow can I please meet up with you in the morning and talk, it's important." She of course said "sure, how about 11am." I said "that's fine." When I woke up, I still felt as if I was dreaming... kind of like I was tripping. My brain was VERY active, other parts of it were active that normally are not... Life felt strangely different. Otherworldy. I felt strange, numb but serene yet angry. My mind was blank and I felt blank. Like a new person. When I met her at her (my aunt L) at her apt, I hopped in her car and we bullshitted for 20 minutes, she was joking around wondering what it could be I want to talk about. Then I was like "Well this is going to ruin your day... "Aunt L" I was molested when I was 4-6 by "blah blah blah." She was molested growing up by her step father/was raped as an adult. Which is why I went to her first. She was pissed as fuck that it happened. Talked about how sick people are and how many people are molested. She assured me it's not my fault which I knew... We started calling clinics and shit to get me appointments to talk to people. She asked if I told my mom and told me I should tell my other aunt because she helps pay for things so I can go to therapy... Which I did not want to do because I'm not close to her at all and I didn't want my family to find out. But she told her for me and told her not to tell anyone else, which helped a lot. I told her (my Aunt L) "I think I'm dealing with it well because I feel good in a strange way. I feel new. It's good to finally know what has been hindering me from growing." She comforted me and we talked for like 2 hours then I left and went to tell my mom... My mother was continually molested by her father from childhood to late teens. So this was pretty much her worst nightmare come true. I told my mom on the phone. I was like "Mom I'm sorry but this is going to ruin your day... uhhh I was molested by blah blah blah" there was a huge pause. Then she said "Are you sure it wasn't a dream?" I was kind of mad that she said this and said something like "Yes I'm fucking sure it wasn't a fucking dream I have a fucking memory mom, a FUCKING MEMORY! Of this piece of shit with his fucking dick in my face and then me blacking out, how the fuck is that dream... Yes I fucking dreamed of "blah blah blah" with with his fucking dick in my fucking face, then blacked the fuck out. Are you fucking kidding me? I told you this when I was fucking 14 do you not fucking remember? And he probably did it to C (my older brother) too..." she was like "no... I'm sorry, I.. don't..." I said, "REALLY?! How the FUCK do you NOT remember me telling you, I see it in my head like a fucking movie! Why can I, a fucking giant pot head remember this and you fucking cant!? Are you fucking kidding me?" Then I felt horrible... and reassured her "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell... there is a lot of shit going on in my head... Please don't worry about me mom, I'm strong as fuck, you know this, I got so much fucking will power I wish I could give some away... This is a blessing, I've been wondering what the fuck it is, all these years, wondering and now I finally know. You have no idea how good I feel, I feel like a fucking mount Everest sized boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. This is my motivation to amount to greatness like I am supposed to. I've never been motivated before and now I am. Do you know how good it feels to be motivated for the first time in your life? it's fucking amazing. I need to show people that yeah, I was molested but I'm not gonna be a drug addict or drug dealer or end up in prison or a prostitute or kill my self. No I'm gonna use this as the fucking fuel for the fire to ignite my passion and conquer the fucking world." I continued to plead to her to not worry and I'm alright you should be worrying about C (my bro), don't worry about me at all... And that I need therapy like now.... Then we hung up.... Jeez wall of text.. Side Effects after truly realizing I was molested... -for a month I felt like everyone knew even though I knew they didn't or couldn't, but I still felt they knew. -I wanted to tell EVERYONE and still do... (I told my brother which I DID NOT WANT TO DO because he's no where in any shape or form as strong as I am... I have a terrible gift of superman-like will power/mental strength that I wish I could share with people... I was stressing about being molested and his girlfriend was crying and complaining about bullshit make believe problems that she creates her self and I came out and yelled at her "I WAS FUCKING MOLESTED WHEN I WAS like 4-6 years old AND YOU"RE FUCKING COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, GROW THE FUCK UP!" something like that... I hate that she knows this about me... she doesn't deserve to know... stupid bitch... (whole nother story) -I felt very uncomfortable around kids, at my campus they had a camp there for like august-sept. Their was counselors with kids playing soccer and shit right in front of the building where I'd go to talk to my counselor... I'd sit on a bench across the building and draw/write rhymes for 30 mins before going to talk to my dude. No matter how much I'd try to to think about it, I'd feel as if the counselors thought I was there to molest kids... (I was very paranoid) (Thankfully the paranoia/feeling of everyone knows/uncomfortable around kids phase is over...) Though now my heart aches when I'm around kids because I know one of them has gone through what I did and probably doesn't remember and won't untill they're older... and will probably go down the same path of Life I did. it sucks............. -Lack of depression from August-sept-3rd week in october, however I've been a little depressed, sleeping a lot/not looking for a job even though I have to move out of this hell whole I live in (from 4th week oct/november). -Living Life... Time is crazy because I'm not high.. somtimes days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months. It's great... I'm like DAMN this weekend feels like it's been 3 weeks long. -I'm 100% more social/no social anxiety/openly talk to strangers/etc -I am not gay. Since Pre-school I've had crushes on girls and wanted to fuck them. I love women to the fullest degree of loving... I love making love to women and making them quiver, moan and cum. I love watching them orgasm and their nails digging into my back... I love how the taste of pussy juices turn me into a sex crazed monster... My mother raised me (single mom), my father is disabled and his caregiver (Aunt L) took over the role of my father for parts that my father couldn't do, I have two strong women in my life who influenced me 100%. In return I seek out a strong women to love. Lol I need a fucking girlfriend... Single sucks. But since I found out I was molested by a man, it's fucked with my psyche a bit which is REALLY annoying. It's like sometimes I feel like people think I'm faggot because some guy had his way with my as a child EVEN though they don't know I was molested.. If that makes any sense at all... I feel like beyond violated? It's really hard to put into words... -I always wondered why in order for me to get turned on, have a ravenous fuck session, I have to pull her hair, choke her, have her bite me hard, bite her, borderline claw my back till it bleeds, constraint her wrists with my hands. I have to dominate her otherwise I can't get turned on. I have to be in control. Pretty much if a girl would let me fake rape her, I'd enjoy it infinitely more. I don't know, it fucking sucks, I feel like my sexuality is fucked up... That that is the kind of shit that turns me on... You know? Like if sex is boring I've gone soft and shit because it's not violent or whatever... The only thing that rivals the whole choke, claw, bite, pull hair thing is when her breathing starts changing, when she's debilitated by an orgasm or when I feel her cum all over my dick/feel her pussy contract tighter around my dick... When a girl cums it feels like I'm cumming... bah, rambling... IDK I wish I could have sex and get turned on like a normal person. -Now I worry about future relationships and how I'd tell my girl I was molested... Like I feel I don't want to have sex with my girl until I tell her I was molested. And I feel a lot of women will be scared off by that fact... I am a borderline 100% open person and personally would want to let her know early in the relationship vs later on. I feel letting her know I was molested might make having "normal" sex easier and I might not have to do violent shit... Bah... -The worst part is knowing that my mother knows because she has been through it, way worse, and she feels at fault because she hired the dude who did it. When I was talking to my counselor about being molested it wouldn't make me "cry" but talking about the fact that my mom knows and feels guilty would. I always had to be the man of the house growing up because she didn't have one and I feel helpless that I can't do anything to help her. I always took care and watched out for my older brother, I'm like his older brother and helped my mom with everything. I'd also take care of my father as a child... I forced to be an adult as a child. (when I was younger like 10, they thought I had leukemia and I knew it, but my mom didn't think I knew. After they found out I was negative I told my mom I was scared as fuck during the whole process. She asked me why I didn't tell her and I said I didn't want her to worry any more... that's the kind of shit I did growing up) -Now I want a relationship more than ever... I'm like the man I wished I was when I was younger and want to find a queen. I am finally a good son to my mother and father (no longer ashamed/feel guilty of what I was doing), I want to be a father, I want to be a husband. Growing up no longer scares me anymore. Because I was forced to grow up as a child I tried to cling to my youth by doing drugs, as well as for other reasons. And now I embrace my wisdom, trials and tribulations and look at everything as a blessing, or a sign, or a metaphor. -I've gained "faith" in some sort of god, universe, unfathomable force. Their has been times when I pray and I instantly am being channeled this divine sensation equal to nirvana. IDK a lot of strange signs and metaphorical events have happened since I stopped doing all my old habits and embraced my new life. It's as if the Universe is like "Hey buddy you go this way, which leads back to your life or despair, or take this path towards prosperity, you chose," on a daily basis. -My will power is like a fucking blitzkreig... It's not to be fucked with. -I feel really dirty, filthy, after I masturbate... -Trying to live as if I have a child ATM and everything I Do and say ultimately influences his outcome... (key motivator for the time being) -Feel no anger towards the man who did it -I sort of have a fear of sleeping -Intense dreams, more like visions. -Had my first nightmare in years... My dreams are SO fucked up and Bizarre/Lucid that I don't even question them when I'm sleeping, I just go with it. And I had a "nightmare" recently, was a dream that turned into a nightmare with in like one split second. I'm gonna continue this later... I'm tired, pulled an all nighter, gotta make coffee, shower, eat breakfast and then go to my counselor... PLEASE SHARE PEOPLE! WHETHER IT'S YOU OR A FRIEND OR FAMILY WHOM EVER.