How's everyone doing? I've been snooping around this forum for some time now as I find the philosophical insight here extremely interesting and believe it would also be a great place in search of some guidance towards overcoming my troubles. A year ago, last day of July to be exact, I was cruising after smoking a blunt with this fella I hung out with and we decided to park in search of something to do. Before you know it, we were surrounded by police and I was in the middle of a full out panic attack. We had a little bud on us, and the paranoia of a possible arrest is what I believe triggered it. They took our half g, and let us off the hook but my heart was still pounding and my limbs were shaking uncontrollably. The next day, I tried to smoke again only to find myself in the same situation. For the next two or three weeks, I felt depersonalized and thought I was having some type of withdrawal. Now I don't remember all of the exact symptoms due to memory problems, but I do recall having no appetite, insomnia, headaches, crazy dreams, random crying spells, and thought I was losing my mind. The headaches and craziness subsided but I still didn't feel like myself. A few weeks later, I decided to take a vicodin and recall being paranoid about my heart stopping right before going into another full blown anxiety attack which left me with heart palpitations, brain fog, and a myriad of other symptoms such as extreme intolerance to cold, candida, unrefreshing sleep, heart pounding, no motivation, bloating, constipation, congested sinuses, shortness of breath, muscle twitches, sweaty palms + feet (which I've always had), intolerance to alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and simple carbs to name a few. Now I have tried everything to cure myself from various supplements to the candida diet, raw vegan diet, and just recently began to think that maybe all my symptoms are due to insecurities that have been bottled up for what will be 20 years of my existence tomorrow. Here's the thing. I was born with scoliosis and had surgery on my spine when I was 5. I'm missing the lower part of my left rib cage, and my left chest and left side of my back are deformed. I never had a father, and my mom is a judgmental person which obviously couldn't have possibly had a positive influence on me. Lets just say my mom really cares about what other people think of her and that rubbed off on me. I always wanted people to think of me as equal to them in every aspect of life and am/was what you call a perfectionist. I had to and wanted to be the best at everything I did. My school years were torture for me as I would have anxiety every moment of every minute of every class period. My class periods were spent freaking out whether someone had by some chance noticed my imperfection and would confront me about it and ask what had happened. So much that I would wear sweaters in the summer hoping it would hide my flaws. So much that there would be days I would refuse to go out with friends because I hated feeling inadequate. I just now realize how crazy it all drove me on a daily basis. Up until recently, I felt like it was normal and something I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. Smoking weed would bring out my anxieties even more unless I was alone which was really the only time I enjoyed smoking. Now I know this way of thinking is irrational, but it's been imprinted into my mind. My friends always knew of my insecurity and knew I had some sort of deformity but I refused to take my shirt off anytime I was confronted. I finally had the courage to show off my body to my closest friend which took a huge burden off me but I'm still embarrassed for others to find out as I hate the feeling of being judged. I meditate from time to time and know I should start meditating consistently but I just have to find the willpower. My adrenal glands and mind are so fatigued that it's really hard to find the motivation to do anything these days. It especially sucks that I wake up every morning more tired than when I went to bed. I wanna keep this as short as possible so more people are inclined to read it and have the opportunity to share some light as to how to get over this. Thnx for reading.
well i've been thinking a lot about things related to a large amount of the issues you have, these are new thoughts so they may not be very coherent and clear OK well, you need to deal with these problems insecurities are not 'yours' neither are they permanent by the looks of it you're sad and worried about these problems, these are symptoms are that of 'depression' but don't go saying 'i'm depressed' because it will only reinforce it and make it worse same with 'i'm insecure' don't reinforce these well, first off you're identifying yourself with other peoples perceptions of you, you are not other peoples perceptions of you, you're beliefs about the past form who you are do you resent your mother? do you hold any grudges? forgive, but don't forget i have struggled with insecurities in the past, just this week out of nowhere i've been doing a lot of deep thinking into why we identify ourselves with the things we have done, and other peoples perceptions of us, well not even other peoples perceptions of us, it's what we think people perceive us as just because you have behaved in certain ways in the past doesn't mean you have to attach to these patterns of behavior, we are nothing, and we create ourselves based on our values, beliefs, and experiences you wrote that you're friends know about your insecurities, well i can see how this would cause you to want to attach to being insecure ok well you also wrote that you fear being judged, i myself used to feel this way A LOT, i was bullied as a child, had a very rough child hood and had very low self esteem well heres what you need to know, do you really think that people actually care about what you look like? do you judge people? if you do this would make sense of why you think other people do it, i think it is kind of selfish to think people are judging your every flaw, people have lives, there own problems, and are worried about themselves more then you think, people are not perfect, nobody is perfect, nobody expects anyone to be perfect you feel inferior to people because of how you feel about yourself, this would mean that you think they are superior, you must of dealt with some bad people in your life, probably someone who actually thought they were superior to you, this seems to have caused you to believe that everyone feels this way about themselves and you the mother has a serious impact on there child, forming their personality almost completely, when you're young you can't analyze your parents behavior and establish that they have problems and they're wrong, you can only think that they know, and you don't you have to look at how your mother treated you, she treated you based on her life experiences, you can't take her judgements as truth and you shouldn't make these judgements your own! you're insecure because of how you feel about yourself, you're self esteem, and i can't imagine how hard it is for you man because you can't change yourself like someone who is fat and criticized for it, someone who doesn't shower, i can relate, but not as much, i have ADHD and i have been judged for it by parental figures over and over again, i have also dealt with things like weight, which i could change but this is irrelevant for this case i have many flaws i cannot change, flaws that have been judged, i was trapped in a pattern of extreme insecurity and low self esteem for the majority of my life,i have only recently began dealing with these problems you can't base who you are on your ego, it isn't real, people perceptions of you aren't real, that's why you feel empty you have to love yourself, forgive yourself people don't base relationships on what they think about people they don't care, only narcissists base relationships with people on there judgements about their appearance, people base there relationships with people on judgements they make about who the person is, how the person impacts their life don't base yourself esteem on something that isn't real, that's why you have none, because these things you worry about aren't real are you good at anything? i'm sure you are, what's real is accepting yourself, what's real is creating yourself, what's real is loving yourself don't lose hope dude, you have potential, I've transformed my personality completely this past year, you can be anything, you are not what you think other people think you are anything you've done, any way you behaved, these do not define you, you define them you define yourself think about negative relationships you've had with people, who were these people? if they judged you vocally then they obviously had some problems of their own, and they'll solve them one day, don't let things other people do impact your perception of yourself i've experienced this before, where smoking weed brings out my anxiety's, i think that helps a lot because it gives me a more objective view of myself, io am not as attached to my own thoughts and ideas as i am when i'm sober, weed has been an excellent thought tool for me and has helped me deal with many of my problems, if you have a hard time changing your beliefs about yourself, smoke some weed and do some thinking avoid negative thinking, always think positively, no i'm not saying you manifest you're reality, but in a way you do, you manifest who you are, and these perceptions your creating are they real? be as positive as possible, negative thinking is LITERALLY HELL
Think of it this way (I've always been very introverted and self-conscious and this helped me a lot). When you see other people, perhaps who may not be attractive, or who make a mistake, or who act wierd, or look weird, whatever, what do you think of them? Is it these people you remember throughout the day, or is it yourself? Do you think others spend all their time thinking about you? Of course not. I am introverted and it is common for introverts to experience this "spotlight" effect, like all eyes are always on you, almost like your life is a TV show and the whole nation is watching, judging your every move. Once you figure out that this is what you are feeling, the anxieties begin to fade away because you see how silly this notion is. I can say that the only people I remember from going to classes today were the people who were particularly nice to me. Even the people who had blunders I don't really think about, nor do I care. It's not like people are always looking to make people feel bad, or they sit in their rooms after class or work and make fun of other people all night in their heads. People are for the most part self-centered, our memories and thoughts are centered on our own "life story", not other people's life stories. Maybe every now and then we think about other people's blunders or inadequecies briefly, but usually this is only to make us feel better about our own inadequacies. If anyone feels the need to put you down, it is only to help them feel better about their own inadequacies. Everyone has their faults. People who are comfortable with who they are don't put other people down, because they don't need to. Know that if anyone thinks badly of you, given your situation, they are probably rather cruel, and probably have a lot of issues with themselves. First you must know yourself and accept yourself completely. This is very hard, but if you can accept and love yourself that is the biggest step you can take. Try to focus on your good qualities instead of just the bad ones. If everyone focused on their negative qualities all the time this world would just be full of depressed nervous people. The reason some thrive socially is because they focus on their positive characteristics, and they focus outwards instead of always judging themselves. Think of someone or something you love, and direct those feelings of love in towards yourself. Then send them out to the world and the human race. The more you generate feelings of love for others and the world, the more you will feel loved and comforted by your environment, and the people in it. You get what you give. Also try meditating more often, but don't do the typical "focus on your breath" meditations, or really anything that requires energy. Just go outdoors, close your eyes, and sit. Enjoy the way the sun feels, the smells, the sounds, the sensations. Treat the trees, the earth, the air, like your friends, they are a part of you after all, nature is your mother, without its womb you don't exist. The air doesn't abandon you, nor the sun, nor the soil. They are always there, surrounding you, giving you life. Let your thoughts come and go, and watch them. But don't add fuel to the fire, just see what pops up in your head. Chances are you will come face to face with the very thoughts that are bringing you down. Deep within our minds our thoughts are the roots of all our problems. They can be very subtle and hard to identify. Observe them, see how certain thoughts make you feel. See if those thoughts have any basis in reality, or if they are based entirely on false concepts in your head. Also, any kind of exercise, or stretching, is great for anxiety. All that excess energy really needs an outlet, or it can build into strong negative emotions. You are already eating right,which is good, but I think that the only way to get to the root of your problems is to see what kind of thoughts you are having and what emotions these thoughts cause. Best of luck. Know you have friends on this website who do care and want to help you.
This is why Ive grown to love grasscity. Here there is an abundance of people who care and whom I can relate to. Thanks man, whoever you are and wherever you may be.
When you use this little plant, you open yourself to the higher energies of yourself creating a state of mind where you see and feel things from a different perspective. It's very much a spiritual pursuit, and with the right intention, can open many things up. The mistake many people make though, especially if they're naturally sensitive, is to use it under circumstances that are not ideal. There should never be a feeling generated that what you're doing is wrong, and if you already have feelings that people judge you, it can magnify any thoughts when you know you're doing something the State says is wrong, so when the State comes bearing down on you as it did, it results in what might be called shock, which is what your subsequent symptoms reveal you experienced. Yes, with the right intention, this sacramental, entheogenic facilitator, will help you on your journey, as long as you understand how to use it properly. Just because it has been decided that a plant that grows naturally should be illegal doesn't mean it's right. But it is essential that you don't put yourself into situations where the fear you carry about how you're seen can be realised; and being in an altered state of consciousness helps to attract it to you. The best way to use this herb, as you already know, is by yourself, for meditational purposes, with either music or breathing or silence as a focus. You can certainly share it with another or two, but in doing so, you always change the nature of the experience. So my advice would be: Come to know the real reasons why you use this plant. Look at yourself as openly and as honestly as you can during meditational-type activities so as to see yourself for who you are, accept yourself completely as you are, and while in that state of mind, slowly look at times in the past when you've felt uncomfortable, but not as the original participator though, more like an objective observer. Don't judge what you see or what you did, merely observe it. Do this regularly, and you will come to know yourself better than you thought you could, and those debilitating feelings you have where what other people think matters so much will lose their potency, and eventually they'll disappear entirely as things come back into balance.