How's everyone doing? I've been snooping around this forum for some time now as I find the philosophical insight here extremely interesting and believe it would also be a great place in search of some guidance towards overcoming my troubles. A year ago, last day of July to be exact, I was cruising after smoking a blunt with this fella I hung out with and we decided to park in search of something to do. Before you know it, we were surrounded by police and I was in the middle of a full out panic attack. We had a little bud on us, and the paranoia of a possible arrest is what I believe triggered it. They took our half g, and let us off the hook but my heart was still pounding and my limbs were shaking uncontrollably. The next day, I tried to smoke again only to find myself in the same situation. For the next two or three weeks, I felt depersonalized and thought I was having some type of withdrawal. Now I don't remember all of the exact symptoms due to memory problems, but I do recall having no appetite, insomnia, headaches, crazy dreams, random crying spells, and thought I was losing my mind. The headaches and craziness subsided but I still didn't feel like myself. A few weeks later, I decided to take a vicodin and recall being paranoid about my heart stopping right before going into another full blown anxiety attack which left me with heart palpitations, brain fog, and a myriad of other symptoms such as extreme intolerance to cold, candida, unrefreshing sleep, heart pounding, no motivation, bloating, constipation, congested sinuses, shortness of breath, muscle twitches, sweaty palms + feet (which I've always had), intolerance to alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and simple carbs to name a few. Now I have tried everything to cure myself from various supplements to the candida diet, raw vegan diet, and just recently began to think that maybe all my symptoms are due to insecurities that have been bottled up for what will be 20 years of my existence tomorrow. Here's the thing. I was born with scoliosis and had surgery on my spine when I was 5. I'm missing the lower part of my left rib cage, and my left chest and left side of my back are deformed. I never had a father, and my mom is a judgmental person which obviously couldn't have possibly had a positive influence on me. Lets just say my mom really cares about what other people think of her and that rubbed off on me. I always wanted people to think of me as equal to them in every aspect of life and am/was what you call a perfectionist. I had to and wanted to be the best at everything I did. My school years were torture for me as I would have anxiety every moment of every minute of every class period. My class periods were spent freaking out whether someone had by some chance noticed my imperfection and would confront me about it and ask what had happened. So much that I would wear sweaters in the summer hoping it would hide my flaws. So much that there would be days I would refuse to go out with friends because I hated feeling inadequate. I just now realize how crazy it all drove me on a daily basis. Up until recently, I felt like it was normal and something I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. Smoking weed would bring out my anxieties even more unless I was alone which was really the only time I enjoyed smoking. Now I know this way of thinking is irrational, but it's been imprinted into my mind. My friends always knew of my insecurity and knew I had some sort of deformity but I refused to take my shirt off anytime I was confronted. I finally had the courage to show off my body to my closest friend which took a huge burden off me but I'm still embarrassed for others to find out as I hate the feeling of being judged. I meditate from time to time and know I should start meditating consistently but I just have to find the willpower. My adrenal glands and mind are so fatigued that it's really hard to find the motivation to do anything these days. It especially sucks that I wake up every morning more tired than when I went to bed. I wanna keep this as short as possible so more people are inclined to read it and have the opportunity to share some light as to how to get over this. Thnx for reading.