Sorry no TL;DR. Just go on if you have problems with my emo post being too long. I had been telling myself to just breathe and relax. To calm the hell down. I am still shaking from anger from talking with a friend even though it had been a couple of hours by now. Yet I can't help it that I have images in my mind wanting to destroy everything that had caused me pain, be it people, systems or structures. Hell I actually truly wish we get our overdue earthquake here so hopefully parts of these problems will collapse upon itself. If I die in the quake then I don't have to worry about shit anymore and I technically did not escape from my problems. Win win. Or better, if 2012 really is the apocalypse(which I doubt it is..) I think I will be overjoyed. At least I will have no more worries if we are wiped out. I know it is illogical and it does not help at all. If anything this anger issue that almost always turns into sorrow is eating me from inside out. Call me crazy, I dare not direct my hate at the people whom I used to care about even if they had wronged or hurt me badly. I am a believer of psychic attacks and had been doing everything I can to only direct positive thoughts at them. Honestly my main prayers I had was to protect them from my own anger and spite because I guess deep down I still care for them. I was in depression and was recovering, doing pretty well at that actually. But I had a relapse and it got real bad for a couple of weeks due to circumstances. Now I am in a deep hole and everything before me looks pretty bleak. I know that it doesn't matter in the end, what is the worse that can happen? I die? Everyone dies anyway. Logically I know that I need to do something about it to crawl out of it. Yet I can't seem to find a reason that motivates me enough to do that anymore. It seems like everytime I feel more or less balanced again someone have to kick me back down. And it is almost always someone I actually CARE about who does that honor. Random douches are bad and I know it will affect me as well, but for close friends to do it to you just makes it so much more painful. Also apparently I not allowed be angry at people. I told one of my ex-good-friends that I was mad that he had broken his promise and that he could have at least told me about it before it gets to that point. Guess what, he fucking overreacted and refuse to talk to me at all now. Wait, so it is MY fault that he broke a promise that he made? What? It had been 2weeks+ and now I am pretty positive I have lost that friend for good. I can be there for them when they need me and when I really need help and ask for it? Everyone fucking disappears. Reason? "Sorry I was busy." Dude, every time I have a friend who is emotionally down I will put everything aside just to talk to them and make sure they feel better after that. Isn't that what friends are for? To help and support each other when in need? To share happiness when you have them? But when I need help trying to talk to someone is like pulling teeth. I don't even ask for them to come over to console me as I would have done for them. I just want to talk to them on fucking instant messengers cos I understand that they are busy too even though I would really like to have someone here, hold me and tell me that it is okay. But that is too much to ask for, my sanity is not even worth their IMing time. Then ironically they tell me that I am not alone after that. Hah. Or they offer help then put it on the last on their priority and end up screwing me over because they drag it for more than 3 weeks. Honestly? I feel like I am living in an open-style-solitary-confinement. Instant messaging and forums are like fishing notes to other inmates. I tried to meet more random people, I even frigging went around giving free hugs lol. But at the same time I don't really have the time to do things like that much. I just have tonnes of work to do that I just can't ever seem to finish. I had been very much sleep deprived just trying to work on all these damn things, how the hell am I suppose to find more time to meet more people? The times when I do I was pretty much at the brink of If-I-don't-do-something-I-am-going-to-kill-myself that I can temporarily ignore my responsibilities and go make new friends. I know I am wallowing in self pity and the main thing I am going to hear is "get over it", "that's life" etc but it really doesn't help that I am going crazy from all these shit. I know that I am not in as bad a position as many others in the world, it is not like I have no food, homeless etc. Which sometimes makes it worse since I know I have no right to be crying about things. Yet I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have so much expectations to live up to. Lets just say I am from a rather traditional asian family so you know the thing about grades. I am also the first person from my father's side of the family to ever study abroad and they made a huge deal about it. It really did not help that at the start of college I was on dean's list and now due to my emotionally unstable mode I am in danger of getting on academic probation. People told me I should go talk to my professors. Which I did. And you know something? One of that bitch told me "I had heard that reason before". Dude, do she expect a person in deep depression to be able to flip a switch and be at 100% again in less than a week? That is just not happening. It just seems pointless to even try anymore. Then of course the feedback I get after that is that it is all my own fault for not communicating. It is not that I don't want to get my work done. It is just that I fucking breakdown half the time I am doing them nowadays and the progress is excruciatingly painful and slow. Of course no one will believe it. Never mind that I had broken down a few times at the back of the class and trying to make it as quiet as possible. They saw it with their own eyes. Instead my professors are treating me as if I suddenly got the lazy disease and just don't want to do my work. And if my work is just 1min late it is 40% of the score off. I pretty much cannot recover from that. I would love to take a break to sort all these things out but I can't. Mostly because I am international student so I don't have that option and have to just keep trucking. Hell, I can't even opt for part time status for a semester because the new international student coordinator is super inflexible. I know that it can technically be done since the previous int.student coordinator did it for an aquaintance before but this current one just kept telling me that I can't. I do go for councelling but frankly I am not sure how much that is helping at all. I honestly feel like every time I go talk to her it doesn't make much difference. When I really need support she won't be there, I only get to talk to her on my Thursday appointments. That's it. If I have a breakdown on Sunday it doesn't matter because I will be alone. Frankly? I am afraid to talk to my family. They are the best family I can ask for but I had never been one of those who talks to them about my feelings much. I really do love them. In fact one of the few things that kept me from killing myself a couple of months ago was the thought of how heartbroken my parents would be. I know I should talk to them but all I can think of now is how I really want to drop out and take a break. But my sister had overheard my parents talking before I got here about money. It fucking scares me when she told me that she heard them saying that they will consider selling the house I grew up in to support my education here if they no longer have enough savings. I really don't want to waste their money. But I don't know if it is a good option for me to keep trying which could end up wasting even more. But I really only have 2 more semesters to go if I can stop fucking up. Frankly I know many people would be dead jealous that my family is helping me with my tuition fees but I truly rather I am on loans sometimes just so I am not dragging them down with me. Also don't student loans here cancels out if the student is dead? At the least I won't have as much guilt. I am doing everything I can to make myself healthier. I know that many causes of depression stems from bad nutrition, not enough sunlight or exercise etc. I try to eat much more fresh fruits and veggie, less processed food, get full spectrum lamps for my indoor lights, work out enough that I no longer have any pants or belts that fits and it is still not helping enough. I am on Tbreak to see if it helps even though weed was one of the few things that seemed eased the pain a little. I just felt like I might have been using mj as a crutch the last few months and wanted to see if this works better but so far it is not looking good. Is it just because I keep having excess stress from external sources constantly? Or am I just chemically fucked in my brain. It is so exasperating and I feel so trapped. When I feel better it is mostly because I stopped caring for awhile since it feels like there is not much hope anyway. Sorry for the really long post and all the negativity. I really need to let some of it out.