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Almost ended my own life

Discussion in 'Real Life Stories' started by helpseeker, Sep 12, 2023.

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  1. #1 helpseeker, Sep 12, 2023
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 13, 2023
    (Excuse my writing, English is my 3rd language)

    This is a short story of my life and my moment of despair that almost ended with me taking my own life.

    I'm a 43 year old, awkward and having heavy communication issues among others, jobless and still living with his mother (the moment i wrote that i had to stop and take a pause because i felt so useless and pathetic..)

    Its hard for me to speak, even to my own mother, specially about my feelings, i want to express myself but the words just don't come out, like they are stuck in my throat, its torture, and even worst i realise by not talking nobody will help me.

    I don't have real life friends, only online 'friends' i found through gaming, i rarely speak to (mostly chat(write) about the game we play) and they don't really know me.

    I am not sure when all that started, but its probably all the way back in school. I was born and raised in eastern european country, that in my childhood was changing from communism to democracy (i don't want to reveal my 2 countries right now and personal information, i'm terrified if people found me out and how they will treat me)

    Back then i wasn't like that. I had friends, i was joyful and optimistic and into sports (football and basketball, martial arts) i was going out, i had few girlfriends, i was what most people would say is normal.

    When i was about 8 me and my family took a trip to a country, that's part of the western world. (i also have a sister, and a brother that wasn't born yet) My mothers parents actually come from that country and we had relatives there that took us in, we traveled to a lot of places. For a boy from a post-communist country that was a wonderland, they way people lived, what cars and houses they had, what food they ate, what shops and markets.. it was amazing for me, by the end of our trip i had 2 bags full of toys (toy soldiers, cars etc.), i didn't want to leave, alas it came to an end. I end up visiting many times that country in my life, even got citizenship and i'm currently here as well.

    So back in my home country and school, life continued as usual until end of initial school. It was what i consider as the start of my change, i was very trusting and naive and was betrayed by few of my closest 'friends'. I wont get into details but it came as a cold shower. I didn't know how to process it.

    Little after another event took place.. my parents took divorce. I already had trusting issues and that devastated me. I was still young, couldn't rationalize it and i blamed them. Their lack of communication also didn't help, they didn't sit us down to explain anything. Growing older i eventually forgave them, but i guess that hurt remained somewhere deep below.

    Soon after i found myself again in my second country with my mother. And i found my escape place, my first personal computer and the world of gaming. Back then the internet was in its very early days, i'm talking about games you buy on cd's. I was playing day and night, the games became like my own virtual reality. And i didn't have to communicate with people. And from there also start a bad habit, sitting for hours playing and some years later that lead to a very painful experience.. hemorrhoids. Which for me turned into something worst, a fissure. And while getting operated for it i had yet another experience to increase my distrust of people. After the initial operation issues remained and there was supposed to be a fixing operation. But it didnt happen, i was siting in the hospital room for a week, waiting for it, still hurting, meanwhile people were coming, getting similar operations and leaving within a day or two. And after a week doctors came and said something like operation cannot be done right now and i need to leave and come some other time. It was so wrong, but my mother didn't even complaint, and i myself what could i do, i was still young and didn't even understand the language well, and was already having problems speaking up. I started to hate this place. Soon after i left and return to my home country.

    My health issues continued for years (had more physical issues i wont mention now). I had pains and bleeding when going to the toilet, but i chose to endure it, i dreaded going to another hospital. Good thing i had a wealthy uncle in my home country that was giving us money often, without him i don't know how i would survive, and he eventually paid for operation when i finally muster the courage to do so. Although not completely healed after, i still felt a lot better. But at that point i was living in games and online, i barely spoke to anyone. But didn't have the skills to get some work online to at least cover my living expenses, i was relying on my uncle. My mother was also having issues and not working. My brother and sister were living away having their own lives and families.

    I want to mention i have very vivid imagination, i daydream a lot, building worlds in my mind. Also long vivid dreams, like watching movies while i sleep. But i don't have the skills, cant write or draw, no way to express them. I'm often depressed and melancholic, partly because of it. Oh how i wish i could express myself (closing my eyes and start daydreaming again)

    And like that some more years pass and it came a moment there was a fallout with my uncle. I guess he got tired of helping, not blaming him. We decided to sell our apartment, the only thing we owned and move back to the second country where my brother was. We thought we can live ok at least for a while with the money we got. We bought a small cheap house in a small village and lived there for about a year, already spend most of our money. Sold the house even cheaper and moved right next to my brother. And at present after another year we have no money left to even eat, we cant pay for gas, we will probably get evicted soon. My brother cant help, he is struggling also, having a little kid. I'm asking my mother cant we get some government help for poor people, she does nothing..

    I was getting more and more depressed every day, i did have thoughts of dying before, but never as bad. I'm feeling helpless and useless and i wish all to end.

    Few days ago at my lowest point i decide i had enough. I prepared a bare wire and a basin of water to put my feet in, while tearing up, and wanted to electrocute myself. And there i was ,sitting and waiting to muster my courage.. and i start crying, a lot. My mother came to see what is happening and at that moment i cover my face with my hands and kept crying, quietly. I felt so ashamed and vulnerable. I both didn't want her to see all this and leave, and at the same time i wanted her to see and understand what is happening and how i am hurting. And then she asked me what's wrong and if i want to go to the hospital. She didn't even understand what is happening..

    I didn't reply and she left the room. At that point i remove the basin and put away the wire, after getting so close, i understood i cant do it right now. I guess i'm not at my breaking point yet. I start wondering if my mother ever understood me and what i was going through.

    Wondering what to do next i decide to write about it. I wanted to get it all out even if its the last thing i do. And while writing i felt releive. Maybe i should of done so sooner..

    What is next for me? I don't know, i cant say if i wont try ending myself again, but currently i have small hope things will get better.

    I do hope someone can help me.

    And if you read all this and decide my life is worth saving, and you are willing to donate here is my paypal e-mail: (removed by @doinYoda - GC doesn't allow solicitation or personal contact information being shared on the forum for safety and other reasons.)



    Thank you for reading
     
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  2. So long story short you are just looking for money donations so you don't end your own life? Sorry man that won't fly here.

    You need to find help and this definitely isn't the way to do it. Wish you the best.

    Sent from my LM-X420 using Grasscity Forum mobile app
     
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  3. Time to break the cycle. Looking for more handouts will not fix any of your problems. Time to put the games away, and take the necessary steps to find a place as a productive member of society.
     
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  4. At your age I feel it would be a wasted donation. You obviously haven't learned much in your 43 years.
     
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  5. We are not able nor equipped to deal with any situation where suicide is even mentioned as a possibility. While I feel for you, as a Moderator of this site I have to offer you information on getting help and then shut this thread down. We can't, shouldn't and don't accept any liability for your actions. We can link you to a site where you can get help, though.

    Talk To Someone Now
    You will find this number: 1-800-273-8255
    You can speak to someone. The site also offers an option for chat.

    There is also a crisis text line: Home
    Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the United States, anytime, about any type of crisis.
    A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds, all from our secure online platform.The volunteer Crisis Counselor will help you move from a hot moment to a cool moment.

    Here is a link for several crisis lines: Crisis Lines - Now Matters Now


    Blades, please report threads like this immediately before you engage in any kind of conversation.

    Thanks...and good luck to the OP. (the link for donations has been removed from your post as we don't allow things like that here.)
     
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