a voice

Discussion in 'Philosophy' started by A AnoesisOrange, Sep 5, 2012.

  1. #1 A AnoesisOrange, Sep 5, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2012
    i came here to find a voice. i'm graduating very soon from a prestigious university, on my way to finding a career and 'be somebody' in society. it's a lot of work, but all i'm doing is trying to get that carrot. it leaves me very unfulfilled. all i really want is a medium to express myself. i want it because i've struggled for so long to express myself without feeling neurotic and exposed. i'm starting to realize that exposure is part of it though. the problem is overcoming myself. i want to let go of the fear. i can't express myself because i'm scared. i'm afraid of letting go and becoming who i want to be. why should that be scary? it requires sacrifice. i have a feeling of obligation that i cannot seem to get away from; an obligation from my past, my family, my future, and myself to become something in a culture that i disagree with. i talk to people in their respective fields, i see the draw that they get but i also see them, naked and unfiltered. i see them enduring under a system that suppresses who they are so they can keep that carrot lurking in front of them. i think i know why that carrot is so easy to chase. it keeps people occupied. being occupied under a system you despise makes it more bearable. if you're simply pining away, fruitless and suppressed, the suffering can be unbearable.

    i try to keep telling myself, be patient. this is only a test. this isn't real and the outcome doesn't matter. we will be set free.

    here's my problem with this. if i am to be patient long enough, my life will be over and i will be able to say that death is all i have to look forward to. death is an inevitability and a gift. a gift of freedom and unconsciousness. however, that doesn't mean life is not a gift. it's just a more difficult one to realize. there is a reason why we fight to survive. that reason is the present. there is nothing more beautiful than the present. we must enjoy it for what it's worth. what it's worth is up to each and every one of us. we define it's worth in terms of ourselves this isn't a new notion and it is one that still hasn't pacified me. it hasn't done so because i haven't realized my present as being one worth celebrating. i haven't found my voice. that is the key to my happiness in this life, in this existence. it's my only way out of this rabbit hole. the path is scary and unclear, but i will say this, it is not untraveled. others have done it, persevered, defied the odds, threw away societies convictions and held firmly to their own.

    i now know why i am unsatisfied with accepting the carrot as being ever one step in front of me. i'm unsatisfied because i wan't to tell that carrot to fuck off but i haven't found my voice to do so. i'm scared and afraid. i'm naked and alone, fighting this darkness on my own; no helping hand to pull me out, no light to guide me through. i must do this for myself, and i must be patient. i must fight.

    I CAN BLAME THE FUCKING WORLD I HATE FOR MY PROBLEMS BUT IT IS UP TO ME TO CHANGE WHO I AM IN ORDER TO BECOME WHO I WANT TO BE. GOD, PLEASE HELP ME. I'M ON MY KNEES CRYING TO THE HEAVENS, I'M AFRAID THIS GROUND IS QUICK SAND. I'M CHOCKING ON MY OWN EMOTIONS, UNABLE TO ARTICULATE MYSELF. yet here i am, getting them out like it's no one's business. be free little bird, and flap your wings.

    tomorrow will be another day, all you have to do is wake up.
     
  2. #2 A AnoesisOrange, Sep 5, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2012
    maybe i'm crazy, maybe i'm selfish, maybe i'm robbed of my ignorance, my i'm robbed of my potential. it doesn't matter because here i am. it's fuckin' me and i ain't goin' anywhere.

    clear out what coulda been to make room for what can be (or will be, depending on how you wanna look at it), i guess.
     
  3. You're already doing what you need to do, and also getting in your own way at the same time.

    You don't need to become somebody, you already ARE somebody.

    Telling yourself what you're experiencing isn't real, that the outcome doesn't matter, is what isn't real, as you clearly feel it otherwise. In accepting things as they are, means you no longer have to fight against or resist what is. It IS, and before you can get yourself out of the way, learn to accept the ISNESS. This will bring a sense of peace, a sense of space, and it is from this space that will let you move forward.


    This is just a thought form. Let it go. You are projecting yourself into an imaginary idea of how the future will be. Why do that? When you do that, you forget about what is real - The present NOW.


    Then you're not really in it. There is nothing outside of this present moment. When you truly know this, feel this to be true, there is nothing to celebrate per se, as all life is a celebration. It matters not what you think you need to find in this present, as that is just another thought form that keeps you from experiencing it.


    You're already waking up. The sincere call to god never goes unheard, and in making it in the way you have, automatically puts into play that which is changing things, even as you read this.
     
  4. all I gotta say is, do you, be you, shed your skin, do somethin' crazy, live your fucking life son.
     
  5. Damn, if I could express myself in such a way I would have written exactly this. I feel you all the way. I need to go do work, but I'm going to read this again later and respond further if I can.
     
  6. You're also doing a damn fine job of expressing yourself here, because even if you mean you have trouble in the 'real world', expressing yourself is expressing yourself.
     
  7. thanks for the insight guys. i just gotta get it out some times because it really is my own thoughts that get in my way some times.

    sometimes i get so caught up in myself that i start looping around the present instead of just living in it.
     
  8. But that's the whole tragic point. Nothing we do matters. Civilizations come and go. Species thrive and die. We are just part of a civilization, that is the product of a doomed species. There is no purpose to life. No matter what you do, in the end it won't make a difference. So what makes a difference to YOU? What made you stop in your tracks and wonder about the beauty behind it? Was it a bumblebee rolling around in a speckled flower gathering pollen, or some other such curiosity of this world you ran across? Because that is what is important. In a world where you cannot really own anything, it is not what you have, it's how you got it.
     
  9. The first part of your post made my fingers feel like they were about to activate the keyboard, but the bolded part took that all away.

    :smoke:
     
  10. Man, go be yourself. I have trouble expressing myself all the time and i turn to drugs but they only make matters much worse. So much worse that i feel like just giving up, like this pain won't ever end, somedays i just don't try.
     
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