i came here to find a voice. i'm graduating very soon from a prestigious university, on my way to finding a career and 'be somebody' in society. it's a lot of work, but all i'm doing is trying to get that carrot. it leaves me very unfulfilled. all i really want is a medium to express myself. i want it because i've struggled for so long to express myself without feeling neurotic and exposed. i'm starting to realize that exposure is part of it though. the problem is overcoming myself. i want to let go of the fear. i can't express myself because i'm scared. i'm afraid of letting go and becoming who i want to be. why should that be scary? it requires sacrifice. i have a feeling of obligation that i cannot seem to get away from; an obligation from my past, my family, my future, and myself to become something in a culture that i disagree with. i talk to people in their respective fields, i see the draw that they get but i also see them, naked and unfiltered. i see them enduring under a system that suppresses who they are so they can keep that carrot lurking in front of them. i think i know why that carrot is so easy to chase. it keeps people occupied. being occupied under a system you despise makes it more bearable. if you're simply pining away, fruitless and suppressed, the suffering can be unbearable. i try to keep telling myself, be patient. this is only a test. this isn't real and the outcome doesn't matter. we will be set free. here's my problem with this. if i am to be patient long enough, my life will be over and i will be able to say that death is all i have to look forward to. death is an inevitability and a gift. a gift of freedom and unconsciousness. however, that doesn't mean life is not a gift. it's just a more difficult one to realize. there is a reason why we fight to survive. that reason is the present. there is nothing more beautiful than the present. we must enjoy it for what it's worth. what it's worth is up to each and every one of us. we define it's worth in terms of ourselves this isn't a new notion and it is one that still hasn't pacified me. it hasn't done so because i haven't realized my present as being one worth celebrating. i haven't found my voice. that is the key to my happiness in this life, in this existence. it's my only way out of this rabbit hole. the path is scary and unclear, but i will say this, it is not untraveled. others have done it, persevered, defied the odds, threw away societies convictions and held firmly to their own. i now know why i am unsatisfied with accepting the carrot as being ever one step in front of me. i'm unsatisfied because i wan't to tell that carrot to fuck off but i haven't found my voice to do so. i'm scared and afraid. i'm naked and alone, fighting this darkness on my own; no helping hand to pull me out, no light to guide me through. i must do this for myself, and i must be patient. i must fight. I CAN BLAME THE FUCKING WORLD I HATE FOR MY PROBLEMS BUT IT IS UP TO ME TO CHANGE WHO I AM IN ORDER TO BECOME WHO I WANT TO BE. GOD, PLEASE HELP ME. I'M ON MY KNEES CRYING TO THE HEAVENS, I'M AFRAID THIS GROUND IS QUICK SAND. I'M CHOCKING ON MY OWN EMOTIONS, UNABLE TO ARTICULATE MYSELF. yet here i am, getting them out like it's no one's business. be free little bird, and flap your wings. tomorrow will be another day, all you have to do is wake up.