For as long as I can remember the relationships that I've had with men who I felt that real, solid, genuine, soul-to-soul, connection with, never last longer than three months. Never. Even since I was younger. (First boyfriend at 18, I'm 30 now) These guys fall in hard and fast and out hard and fast and I'm always left on my ass trying to figure out what I did wrong this time. Just as I am figuring it all out, they're already over it. I try to be careful with my emotions, as contrary to my nature as that is. It's hard for me to just go all in right at the beginning. At this point I can name at least ten instances, off the top of my head, where this abrupt end has occurred. It's to the point now that I am literally traumatized by the trend. When I meet someone new and feel something special with them, I find it impossible to put myself all-in the way that I want to. I just wish I could know what's driving these guys away, and why I love all the wrong people. It's been like day and night when it happens, without any kind of warning, and I am always blindsided by the cold distance that grows between us. I've never been given any legitimate explanation by these guys. It's always been one of those things that I've been forced to accept because I have no other choice. Sometimes they cut me off completely, sometimes we stay friends on the condition that I never talk about "us", neither of which seem particularly fair. The other thing is that I can manage to keep guys around who I'm not in love with. My son's dad, who I was with for four years, and a following relationship I had with a guy for a year, both of those relationships were situations where they felt more for me than I felt for them, to the extent that there was no real promise of a future. Eventually the relationships ended, one mutually, one by my doing, but in both cases, had I been willing, I would probably still be in one of those relationships to this day. Ok, this is about to get tl:dr... I guess what I'm trying to say is, GrassCity, am I doomed?
Your not doomed. I see you post just about everyday on GC and at various times you seem worried about being alone. Prime example, the OP. Your 30, you have a long life ahead of you. Theres good people out there, but i think you cant exactly go looking for them. They have to come to you. If you go looking, you will get what i call the "taco bells". When you meet a taco bell, you think at first, Oh my god! What a great idea! This looks so awesome! But then you start eating that taco. And at first you think it tastes great, but then you get towards the end of it. And then it hits you that its barely even food. Its just putting on a great show for how awesome it is but really, its just a big tortilla filled with shit. Now, if you dont like taco bell, that doesnt exactly sum up your situation. But just picture it in a way that works for you. You meet a guy, he seems really nice for a few weeks, maybe the first two months, but deep down hes still just another asshole. So they opt out after a certain point, which seems like 3 months for you. How do you solve this? Stop looking. Youll find that perfect "restaurant" one day while just doing whatever makes you happy.
At this point in my life, I am not actively looking. I am just speaking of past experiences and things I've observed.
Odd. Both of the long & serious relationships I was in always turned to shit after three months, when all the cute lovey shit ended and us fighting on and off started.
Three months is about long enough for the "new" to wear off of both people. Seems after you really get to know them they aren't the one. So.....just try to accept it for what it was. A mutual fellowship that just didn't work out. Stay positive and when the right guy comes along you'll know he's the one. Well, if it lasts over 3 months that is. Best wishes.
Nowhere near as doomed as me. I tried thinking of the last time someone did something nice for me or even if somebody cared how I felt today. I'm so isolated from romance and interests and I get really low thinking about how those that I've wanted to date/date have treated me. I feel as if everybody has been made to have a partner but me, I'm alien to being touched and loved... What is that feeling?
I don't even like the "new" aspect of relationships. I am so insecure for the formative months. When I finally get to a point where I feel comfortable enough to really start taking down walls, it's over... like, they come and go without even knowing me, or caring to know me, or wanting to stick around long enough to get to know me all the way. I'm just not at a point in my life where I can throw myself heart first into anything. I have to be careful. But it sucks. It really fucking sucks to not be wanted, desired, and loved. It's like...painful to accept. It also wounds my ego beyond repair. *sigh*
Most guys enjoy the first part of the relationship the most..it's new and a challenge. Once the challenge is over interest drops. A lot of us seem to be wired this way.
I can understand it. I'm the same way. But when it's early in a relationship and a dude is all like, I love you, you're amazing, and worships the ground I walk on, that's part of what I use to assess how to proceed, which is always with careful calculation. It's just so goddamn frustrating to be misled. And I tell guys, just slow your roll, let's take our time, see where this goes, and they're always insistent, and then, like I said, once I finally feel like I'm getting to a point where I feel like it might be ok to let my defenses down a bit, *poof* they're gone...
If a dude says he loves you first..especially w/in a few months that is a red flag imo. I haven't been in a long term relationship in so long I barely remember what it is like. I fear I may be one of these guys you are referring too..but I don't necessarily do it on purpose, things just run their course (in my head) and I'm out.
If you need any brutal honesty about how *most* guys think feel free to hit me up, but I'm sure you've seen my thoughts in other threads before.
I am pretty keen to the ways of *most* guys. I just keep expecting the guys I meet/date/whatever, will grow up... I mean, I'm not even in my twenties anymore and I haven't dated anyone in their twenties for years. I am not looking for anything. I know when it's right it will happen, I am just so sick of wasting my time on these grab-assets who are usually not even good enough for me anyway.
Probably where your problem lies. First few months should be fun and light hearted. No need for strong emotions or 'getting serious', and if a guy feels the need to bolster his brand new girlfriends emotions and work on her insecurities.. he's probably going to be looking for someone a little more fun.