Okay, I don't do this very often, but right now, I have to. This is going to be a "poor me" story, so if you don't like those, I would suggest you move away from this thread. I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now about life and no surprise, it really sucks feeling this way. This isn't the first time I've felt this way, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I guess I can be glad I don't feel like this every single day. I don't even know HOW to write this right now. Basically, I'm married, with no kids yet. I just bought a house and I work 2 part time jobs, one minimum wage, one makes a little more. I have no friends -- I have co-workers and I get along with most people very well. But I don't have friends. My life has boiled down to literally getting up, going to work to pay the bills, and coming home, just so I can eat, go to bed and do it all again. Now, I've been told I'm a very intelligent person, and with that most times, I would agree. I seem to have lost the ability to really appreciate life. Nothing interests me, things just happen "because they either would or wouldn't have anyway". Nothing surprises me, and in general, things are very blah. Depression runs in my family, and I've struggled with this on an off since I was about 12. (I'm 26 now) I have a wife who is my perfect match, but I don't think I'm hers. She tells me I am and I know she loves me with all that she is, but I still think she deserves better. I'm very lazy. I don't do any chores and I just find myself sitting around all day. I know what you're going to say "Well got off your ass and do something!", funny, I would have said the same thing. But the question is why? Why should I? What difference is it really going to make? If I were to lose my wife, lose my jobs, lose my house, right now, that would be fine. I would go live with my parents and rot away until my death. I don't like feeling this way...... but I don't know how to change it. Somewhere along the way (when I was around the age of 12) I lost my ability to socialize with people properly. It is now because of this, that I am so screwed up... I don't even answer the phone if it rings, because I don't feel comfortable in talking to people. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 18... and even then, she lived 800km away in NY state. I did meet her in person several times, and it lasted for 2.5 years. I have mild cerebral palsy, and while it is mild enough to not severely affect my life, it still does. Physically, I am unable to stand for extended periods of time, or lift heavy objects and my balance isn't the greatest. It is for these reasons, that many jobs are out of the question for me. I told my wife the other day when I felt this way, that I wish I could die and have a chance of being born as someone else with a better body and a fully functioning brain. I just don't know what to do any more. Oh yes, I just started into an ounce of mixed weed (unknown strains), and twice in one session I almost greened out. That has never happened to me before. Anyways, I don't even want a response to this. You're gonna say "Get off your ass and live your life", or "just kill yourself", or "stop wasting away the life of your wife, she's a gem and would do anything for you, don't screw it up!" Ultimately, the only person that can make you happy is you. I know, I've heard it a hundred times before. Not a house, not the perfect wife... not anything.... if I hate myself.. then my life will suck no matter what. I understand completely that comparatively to other situations, my life is a walk in the park to some people's lives and I should not be complaining... *sigh* anyways.. whatever.... see you all around on these forums.... Talking online is so much easier, because I can analyze and edit what I'm going to say before I say it... that's something I can't do so much in person...
yea i feel ya man with the online thing and all kinda same thing for me but i have social anxiety.....anyway my friend has severe depression and he saw a counsler as do i now for anxiety but i would tell you to go see a counsler maybe get put on some meds and youll get out of it bro im positive it seems you have a peety good life so i think a counsler will help you tremendously......but if not try going to a bar or to work partites aor just talk to co workers more and become friends with them now im not saying do all at once but over time in moderation and gain friends and agian your coiunsler will help give you little things to do to improve your depression maybe howe to think about shit differently but withwhatever you choose best of luck bro better stuff is coming and much love.
I've felt the same way, but you have something I don't anymore. I miss my ex-girlfriend. You have a wife who loves you very much for who you are. Maybe you need to talk to her about what she sees in you because obviously she sees more than you can right now and maybe she can open your eyes up to something you're not seeing about yourself. My best advice, although in no means do I think you're an ignorant person, don't take things for granted. Remember each and everyday when you get up that you're thankful to be alive. Thankful to have had that bed to sleep on. Thankful to have had the woman, your perfect match and the love of your life, sleeping with you. Thankful you have a job still unlike many Americans, where you can go and provide for yourself and your wife. Try to be more positive and more social and possibly begin going to social places or events such as bars or somewhere you can meet others and make friends. If all else fails or just because it can be a big help as Ripp3d said, don't be afraid to look into a counselor, mine helped me tremendously. Good luck, God bless.
Keep your head up and find some direction. If you aint happy with the same old shit just grab life by the balls and do something else. If that fails .... then you kill yourself j.k don't really
Call a professional therapist please. You need to get some help, and you won't get it from lay-people on line. MOST jobs offer some sort of mental health through HR as long as you have medical, PLEASE get help. I hate reading stories like yours because I know you can improve your life by yourself, but you just need to be shown the way. You may need some meds too, there's nothing wrong with being medicated on the right SSRI if you're having all sorts of self worth issues. just please get some help.
I'm not sure if you have tried since you never mentioned but if you haven't, you need to see a psychologist and psychiatrist because you sound clinically depressed. If you can't find the will to do it yourself, you have to find someone who will and a psych will know how to get you to finally walk through the door to recovery. Good luck
Before you go through all the trouble of a therapist. think about what used to make you happy. Did you enjoy sports? Did you enjoy cooking? What do you enjoy? If you can find an answer to what you enjoyed to do, go back and do that. If you wish to select a new career path to enjoy yourself feel free to. Set some plans down on when you'll go back to school, or look for other oppurtunities. What i recommend doing is that you should find a career path you want to stay around for the rest of your time being. Because at the moment it seems as if you work 2 jobs you have no feeling for, which leads to more depression upon you. Then go back to what made you so clinically depressed in the first place and try and resolve it inside of you. Thats all i can think of at the moment... Good luck to ya
What Will said, and you may also wish to see a neuro to re-evaluate the status of your CP. Many CP patients develop later life issues (such as sleep apena or various forms of seizure disorder-some of which may be subtle), which may be contributing to your depression.
no problem bro ive been there with anxiety so i kinda kno what your saying and what will said therapists and shit really do work and i really think youll be fine bro what doesnt kill you makes you stronger but whatever you choose best of luck bro