A pot virgin exploring weed, and life, for the first time (long).

So I apologize if the follow post get a bit long winded I just have a lot to share and not many people or places to share it with. However I DEEPLY appreciate those who stick through to the end and can offer any comments and advise!
 
Let me first start of by saying that I've not had the most conventional of lives, though not in a bad way. I'm 33 years old and until very recently, this year in fact, have been so greatly enabled by my smothering and codependent parents that I've lived off like a child. It's only by the help of my mother that I have in fact managed to gain my independence, she helped me by buying the apartment that I now live in separate from them. A lot of people become quite angry and judgemental when I tell them of how I've lived and continue to live, I still receive significant financial support from my parents even on top of them having bought me this apartment. All of this being said I have also struggled life long with issues of depression, social anxiety and great difficulties with self hatred. I've been in and out of university 5 or 6 times but always dropped out due to breakdowns and depression / anxiety. I have worked retail jobs off and on over the last 10 years or so. Currently I'm working 1/2 time at a local video game store. With help from my parents I'm financially ok right now. I am in fact actively trying to claw back as much independence, financial and otherwise as I can. I was never abused as a child, quite the opposite, but the smothering and enabling environment I grew up in was nonetheless toxic and failed to allow me to develop properly as an individual. I have the mind of a mature 40 year old in the body of a 33 yr old but the emotional development and life experiences of a 12 year old. I somewhat exaggerate here as, if you were to meet me none of this would become obvious till much later and I actually have a lot to offer and like to think of myself as deeply compassionate and kind. At any rate I don't say all of this because this is an emotional support group, I know that's not what we are here for at all, but merely to give you some back story to understand where I am at in life.
 
Over the past several years I have been using Alcohol to self medicate on a semi weekly basis, I would go out and grab a Mickey of Vodka once a week and slam it to get wasted. I felt I just needed something to numb myself because of how bad I felt a lot of the time. Well fast forward to working at this video game retail store I've been at now for the past few months and I've started to make some good friends for the first time in my life, yes I've never really had any real close friends. 2 of these friends are definite pot heads, they are also in a great band.  I've found myself pushing my comfort zones and doing more and more with these new friends of late, trying to purposefully grow emotionally by doing things that I'm uncomfortable with but are good growing opportunities. I've now been to a number of parties with them and band performances, and I know they like me too! I'd long been curious about pot and decided since 2 of them are pot heads and now that I'm finally out on my own that I'd experience it myself. I live in Vancouver Canada and there has been a crazy explosion of medical dispensaries here. It's "technically" still illegal but so easy to get a "medical" pot card that it is as good as legal. I literally sat down and had a 10min Skype conversation with a naturopath working for a dispensary and they cleared me for a free pot card. It's essentially just recreationally legal here now.
 
So I got my card and started interestingly enough with edibles. I got a pot brownie the first time and started with that. Now I know what you might be thinking, damn edibles are an intense way to start! But I wanted to start with something easy in terms of not having to smoke etc. I won't go into details but suffice it to say that that was a pretty amazing experience! Since then I've been trying edibles and smoking joints once or twice a week for the last month and 1/2 or so. It has been a very fun experience! Because of my lack of tolerance and the fact that I tend to do a lot at once I get pretty damned baked on my weekly experiments. In fact I've lost all interested in alcohol that I was drinking before and haven't binge drank anything in over a month and have no interest in doing so, it just doesn't offer me anything any more.
 
So far it's too early to say what the long term impacts are going to be but I've felt that the experiences I've had have helped me to open up emotionally in a way I had not been before. It's put me in a deep relaxed meditative and introspective mood even for several days AFTER getting high. I've never meditated before or been able but this very much feels like the benefits one gets from that. I've had some important realisations about myself and life in general since starting. I have to say not all of these realisations have been all 100% positive but they have all been important and helpful. It's difficult to say how much of this is just me finally breaking out of my shell and living life on my own and how much I can attribute to the pot but I can't help but feel that it's played an important role.
 
I am however a little cautious about the paranoid aspects of pot. My main diagnosis is social anxiety and depression. I am socially paranoid enough as it is. The other day I toked up at a card game night with my new friends and I'm happy to report I had a great time, however there are definitely heightened paranoid aspects to the experience as well. Little things that would have bothered me only for a second seemed a lot more paranoid and personal, things that were said in a joking way didn't seem like jokes all of a sudden at times. However I've been able to rationalise away most of it, though I've noticed even a few days after smoking there are lingering qualities of this. Still so far it's not enough to make me want to stop. I also don't want to become a daily user as I don't wish to lose too much of my motivation and want to continue to grow and explore life as I am now. There is SO much for me to explore in life and so little time left it feels like.
 
So far my experiences have been mostly just intense body highs and amazing euphoria with touches of psychedelic aspects to it. However the other day I actually got to the point where I was tripping and that was something else! I was walking through a garden when everything became intense neon in colour and I felt like I was experiencing every single leaf and petal and the sun coming through the trees felt like some amazing natural cathedral. Later I was tripping on some sad beautiful music and it actually moved me to tears which music never does!
 
Things I have yet to do that I plan to do in coming weeks. Get a bowl and start smoking from that instead of rolling joints (which I'm laughably terrible at lol). Possibly try out a little bit of sativa, I've stuck with strong indica strains from the dispensaries because I don't want any MORE paranoia than I've experienced but I know some people actually react the opposite way. Try bong hits with someone.
 
Anything else you guys would suggest either to do OR to stay away from? I know people recommend you have someone to talk you down if you have a bad trip but with my social anxiety I actually usually feel much more at peace by myself.

 

As for how much I've been doing for those curious probably a LOT for a beginner lol but I try to keep it to only one experience a week. The few times I've smoked I figure I've had 2 joints over an 8 hour period probably totalling about 1+ grams total, maybe a bit more. And with the edibles I usually have a full pot brownie, but just one. But this is by myself. If I'm around others like that time at the card game night I mentioned, I'd do a lot less.

 

Oh right another thing I need to do is get a fucking grinder. The reason my fucking joints have been so horrible looking and burning is because I've only been able to break apart the weed by hand, picture REALLY FUCKING course weed! lol. My guess is that with it ground up MUCH finer I it might burn better due to increased surface area, and I might actually get more out of it, higher for less weed?

 

Thanks for the reply Lenny! No worries I figured my post would be too long for most. The cliff notes are basically that I was enabled by my parents to live off them like a child into my 30s and I'm only now starting to explore life. Part of that exploration and coming out of my shell, has been experimenting with weed and so far it's been a very positive experience! Thanks again!

 

Lol just look at my short recap / cliffs in my reply to Lenny right above But yeah you're right it was too long.

 

 
Thanks for the reply enjoy! Well I've only actually smoked about 3 or 4 times so far. If I include the edibles I've been doing I've been experimenting about once or twice a week for the past month and 1/2 or so no longer than that. It's funny I had a bad experience today at a family gathering and realised part of the reason is that I decided not to drink a drop at it despite the fact that in the past I've always drank a fair bit at such gatherings. Alcohol just doesn't do it for me any more even though it would have helped in this case.

 

 
Thanks for the reply. Yeah I don't intend to have it go beyond once or twice a week. I'm actually not looking at it as something to help alleviate my anxiety, if that were the case I would indeed be doing it every day as I'm anxious or depressed to some extent or another at some time every day. I'm looking it more as a weekly much needed vacation. One or two days a week when I can drop out and disconnect and just experience that lovely euphoric feeling. But I'm also now doing it for the wonderful meditative state it puts me in the next day or two. It's during these days that I find I'm so much more introspective and thoughtful about life.

 
Thanks wafdof!

 

 
Thanks. I've noticed much the same actually.

 

 
Ok. I'll admit I'm so new I'm not familiar with the terminology that's considered acceptable. What negative connotations are there with "pot"? Or do I just sound like a n00b using it?

 

 
Thanks enjoyandlive! Indeed I'm trying to keep it to once a week as I don't wish to start clouding my judgement the rest of the days, and don't wish to lose motivation in moving forward with my life. Also keeping it to once or twice a week means that my tolerance remains higher and it maintains that special feeling I look forward to and not just some cool but now more mundane thing that's always there. I see these now as very very much looked forwarded to weekly vacations.