A Landrace Tale.

Discussion in 'Pandora's Box' started by landrace, Sep 24, 2016.

  1. Gather around Ladies and Gentlemens. I have a few stories....

    Grapes:
    I shoved some grapes in my ass today. I had an appointment with a potential landlord she was giving me a stern lecture. I got startled and I got scared; I then decided to pull out the grapes out of my ass as one of my many defense mechanism and proceeded to pelt her with my ass grapes. She seem someone startle and amazed. Though I was having fun I was ask abruptly to leave.

    On my way back on the subway platform; I then started to pull the remainder of the grapes out of my ass and started to pelt a subway train as it passed. To my surprise this business dude also started to pull grapes out of his ass and started to throw it at the moving train. I was so relieved. Then a homeless person came and started to throw grapes at the train, but as a second look he was actually throwing poo. Shit was nasty. I quickly pulled my pants up and backed away. The business dude took it as a challenge and deficated in his palms and started to throw the shit on the rails.

    A cop saw what was going on and then proceed to beat the shit (literally) out of the business dude he was laying on the floor and the cop baton him on his chest and then the business dude farted and a single grape rolled out of his ass. The cop face was perplexed he mummer "WTF" the business dude got up and ran away with no pants holding a briefcase. The homeless dude went back into his cardboard box smelling like shit laughing himself to sleep.


    The cop got up and walked away just confused he looked shell shocked. I went back home and proceeded to stuff more grapes in my ass, just thinking perhaps that business dude is also shoving grapes in his ass as well.


    Janitor:
    One time I was chilling in school and I saw the Janitor, that nigga was high as fuck, mopping up some shit and straight break dancing. I look at this nigga. This nigga moon walk over to my friend and said "bust a move nigga!", my friend took off his yamaka and started to bust a move. It was all fine and well until we found out he wasn't our janitor, but just some random Chinese nigga that broke into our school, i never saw the Chinese dude again, but that shit was fucking crazy.


    Great Ideas:
    I think this is a great idea, but a much better idea would be to get your own place, and you can walk around butt ass naked. You don't know what freedom is until you play hackie sac but ass naked. Having your semi hard penis flop around in the central air, as your ball sac hangs loose as god intended it to. Some time i like to spread my legs apart and hunker down and gyrate my ball sac in a circular motion and make helicopter noises. One faithful day, my landlord came and made the mistake of assuming I wasn't home, He also made another assumption that I would stop. I didn't stop, and continue with my helicopter noise, because it's my time. Well It's a great idea, oh!

    Uptown Spunk:
    I was on a NYC subway and saw a homeless dude who was ferociously beating off. The entire subway was dead quiet as if appeasing and accepting this behavior. The homeless dude would stop beating off at every stop peaking at people and then muttering a threat in gibberish. Shit got real when another homeless person came and then smelled like shit and the other homeless dude got upset that his smell is interrupting his beat off session and then a fight started. I wouldn't mind the fight, but the dude that was beating off never put his erection away. Meaning he was fighting with an erect penis. I was scared. I ain't gonna lie I did sneak a peak of his penis, shit look nasty, but then a lady saw me looking and then I felt ashamed. Shit got real, and then this weird dude attempted to break up the fight, "alright alright, put your penis away" His respond "naw you put your penis away" and then argument came about who's penis was out. The homeless fornicator made alot of sense though his argument was pretty sound, "why you looking at my dick man, you want some of this" Then the dude that smell like shit laughed at the weird guy, I also laughed. The weird guy was like no, but the homeless dude was like come on man I know you want this, you weird fuck!!. The weird dude hesitated and the smelly dude and the fornicator high 5 each other. They started to make fun of the weird dude. it was weird, bc the entire subway started to hate on that weird dude, and the crazy part was this dude dick was still out and still erect.


    Library:
    I have masterbated everywhere man, for i know no fear. I recall when i was a youngster i went to the library, it was a rather large library filled with asian people just going hard studying. i was high as fuck I strolled up in that bitch looking for a book on the west indian mantee, personal research, now it didn't hit me at the time, but I always enjoyed the library while high it's so peaceful, so i'm looking in the aisle and it hit me then and there a random erection no sweat tuck it up and continue browsing for my book. So I'm cruising the aisle for my book and then bam found that shit I was like YES!!! then some asian lady SHHHH me, I was like Shhhh and muttered bitch. So it sounded like sry shhhh bitch,


    no problem so i was chilling and then for some reason my erection wasn't going away and then some asian lady started to look at my junk. I was like wtf! So I couldn't concentrate on my book so I had to deal with this problem, So I left my book and grabbed a sport illustrated women edition mag and strolled to the darkest side of the library,

    So I was in one of the isles and then i started to sweat a little in my palm, interesting note sweat is an excellent source of lube, So I whipped it out and blip bop blip, now as i'm ferociously beating the shit out of my dick i hear another blip blip sounded, but it's not in sequence with my hand hitting my sac. So i was close and blew my load all over a napkin i carried. So as i prepared to gather my things and leave the forbidden zone of the library.

    In the next aisle over I see an old dude beating his meat too, I was shocked the old dude back was facing me and he stopped and turned around to face me exposing his balls and erect penis staring me in my fragile little face and said "well, wanna help me finish?" I said "no" then he told me to "carry on". I was shocked he was doing the same thing I was doing, but i found it odd because he was beating off to an upside down dictionary I just didn't understand. So i went back and completed reading my book.



    How to Pick Up Bitches:

    When I was young I was waiting for my mom outside of Jamaica, NY Train station, I was browsing the bootleg CD's. I was hanging out with a gang of black dude selling CD's and there was this one dude he was loud. So this girl walked by and she had a fat ass, so naturally that dude took notice and turn to me and was like watch this little man ima show you how to get bitches. So she walked by and he was like:


    "HEY BITCH!"

    she stop to turn around and was looking around

    He was like: "YEA, YOU BITCH,!! Let me get dem digits bitch!! 1212.........

    She was like: " ill you a bum ass nigga selling bootlegged cd outside a fish market on the ave.

    He stopped and pause

    now in that brief moment his boys was snickering in the back. people stopped and was staring and then a dude across the street was like "oh shit"


    this dude went off he was like: fuck you bitch, with your nasty pussy ain't nobody want that no good pussy and yous an ugly bitch too.


    she was like well you wanted to fuck this ugly bitch

    his response: fuck you hoe, I didn't realize how ugly you is


    So thats' how I learn how to pick chicks up, when I see something i like .....I be like


    HEY BITCH, LET ME GET DEM DIGITS BITCH, 1212!!!!!!!!!


    Excessive Masterbation:
    Moderation is essential! In my days it was bad I was like some junkie that beat off anywhere and everywhere. I was reckless school, work, busstop. I had no fear, for fear only made my erections harder. I can recall one time i beat off until the skin came off and then it healed I had scabs on my dick, I then had a scabby dick, sure we can all laugh, but having a scabby dick is no laughing matter. If you would only get an erection those scabs would stretch and pain ..... the pain was horrible. No matter the ointments or lotion could heal the scabby dick took about 6 weeks. Worst is the shame to go to your doctors and present a scabby dick. For the doctor puzzle face of him trying to rationalize why the fuck scabs would be on your dick? You have to be brave stare him in the eyes and tell him you ran out of lube and you masterbated dry19 times in two hour watching a jennifer lopez music video on mtv....... when mtv played music videos. Another important reminder NEVER masterbate with a scabby dick, for it increase the pain and more doctor visits
    Always remember boys two nuts a day keeps scabs away!


    Masterbater
    Can't say that I have, however when I was younger I masturbated like 29 times in one day. I felt so depleted, I was like dam, I got to get my shit together. I was like 14, shit was crazy. I remember it looked like my dick had a black eye, shit was hectic. I also remember I kinda got scared, because I ran out of cum,...... I was like wtf? Never Again now I beat off in moderation. I encourage all you young men out there to take it easy......



    Dolphin V Walrus:

    I don't know man dolphins seems pretty cool, but I think they're kinda of stuck up. I like walrus because they're cool, they just chillax on the beach probably sneak in a few tokes, grab some fish, and chill some more. Sometimes shit get hectic over a lighter and they throw down, but other than that they chillax. Walrus don't care man they just beach bums catching waves and fish. Sometimes douche bags sharks trying to fuck up the livelihood, but it's all good walrus keep on trucking. Some time people be hating on walrus too calling them sea cows, I don't how walrus feel about that I think they just own it, and be like "moo" I like Walrus.

    Judge Me Not:
    I don't have a problem, but then again I like to tuck my penis under my sack and pretend to be a firetruck. So who am I to judge.



    How to pick up white bitches:
    I recently purchase a 12 inch purple dildo, I've been using it to poke white woman that are in school. I would sit down next to a pretty white woman and she would be all focus on what ever the fuck she be interested in, I would sit right next to her and make sure she is white. I would look for, ugg boots, starbucks coffee, and northfaces jacket. I would then pull out my 12 inch purple dildo and then slowly poke her right in the head. When Contact is made I stare that hoe right in her eye socket and be like:

    I aPOLogize,

    HOE: What the FUCK?


    ME: I found this under your seat I assume it was yours

    HOE: WTF!!!

    ME: Listen bitch I trying to help you out this is rather embarrassing.

    HOE: that's not mine.

    ME: I'm sry, my mistake, hey do you like TAYLOR SWIFT?

    it works ever time.






    That's how I make friends, I also have a other race guides, but white woman is the most effective.
     
    • Like Like x 8
  2. What the fuck?
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. cool story bro.
     
  4. I'm glad that I read all the way thru it, some of that shit was hilarious :smoking-banana:
     
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  5. Thank You,

    I was going through some of my old post and I forgot how creative I used to be. I use to write these tales to amuse myself... through some hard times in my life. I haven't been depressed for sometime, but during those periods I was so creative in my writing.

    I just figured to post them as multiple short stories hopefully someone who is going through some shit, can get a few chuckle out of it and get through that slump.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  6. This is what mania looks like

    Jk bro that was funny, especially the scabby dick part
     
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  7. Did you order it online? if not how'd the cashier act when you purchased the dildo and how much was it


    Sent from my iPhone using Grasscity Forum mobile app
     
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  8. Crazy Story:

    So I was on my way to do some grocery shopping, but I notice a sex store that recently opened in my neighborhood. I was appalled, I thought to myself "NOT IN MY BACKYARD" so I marched right into that store to give the owner of the store a piece of my mind.

    As i enter the store in my rage, I glimpse this throbbing purple dildo. I stopped dead in my tracks. I was captivated by the fact it wasn't a normal looking dildo. This particular dildo was uncircumcised, I was alarmed. The owner a 60 year old fat dude with a beard came out of the back and proceeded to give me a backrub. I felt violated. I lost all my confidence, the scent of the room immediately changed to doritos and ass. I was scared. He leaned over and whispered in my ears "It's half off"

    I agree to purchase said dildo, thinking he would stop the back rub, which escalated to a very uncomfortable shoulder rub, he then stop the shoulder rub 3 awkward minutes later. I purchase the dildo and grab it off the counter and ran towards the exit.

    After I left, I proceeded to grocery shop in broad daylight with a 12 inch uncircumcised purple dildo. I learned many things and strangely enough, I made many male friends in that 32 minutes of grocery shopping.
     
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