A Fundamental Breakdown of Composure

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HPchxxyUBE]Flotation Toy Warning - Happy 13 - YouTube[/ame]

Guess we can't chose exactly where we land, but how fast you were bound is in your own hands, are you ready am I too early. oh gawd I connect to dis song.

First, let me start off by saying that everything I am about to type is more or less just going to come from whatever I have witnessed. Of course I cannot go into the minds of other people; I only get to interpret what they are willing to show. Even though I may have known these people my entire life we aren't exactly close, EA, everything is speculation. Second, I find this more of a quick evaluation of my mind more so than the need to reach out to other people. Having, whatever this is, on a forum has the purpose of allowing my words to not become too overtly emotional, which is something I may have struggled with my entire life. If you decide to read then understand that I am an anonymous person on the internet and that you have no reason to give advice. That is, unless you enjoy potentially helping someone who you will never meet. Third, I am a 18 year old kid who has little experience with the world. This may influence why I may unintentionally strive to lessen my ego, even though this devalues my own opinions. Lastly, please don't criticize word choice or flow. Whatever it happens to be that does not deal with content and deals with grammar. Overall, grammar has little to deal with what I'm actually trying to share and more in line with trying validate my statements to pricks on their high-horse. IMHO. Any sarcasm is to act as a fail-safe for when I look back in 2 years I am not ashamed of myself.

Many people have difficulties with their families. Some people actually have problem childhoods, I had not. I wasn't born into a broken home. I wasn't born in the ghetto. I wasn't a bad kid. Every teacher I knew pretty much loved me, I never misbehaved, and the last thing I'd want is to hurt people. I was "the good kid". My mother, was the good kid. She was the naive daughter of a Vietnam Vet and a nurse. She was an only child and they would go on vacations every summer. She received straight A's in High School, and was in over 10 clubs or organizations. It sounds like a bright young women who is about to make a life for herself. She had wished to become a nurse, just like her mother, but then I fucking came.

My father, a delinquent who dropped out of high school, had an extensive juvenile record, and regularly smoked marijuana and drank heavily. The middle child of 4, and a divorced family. Physical abuse occurred regularly from my grandfather by his own report. Well, he got my soon to be mother, pregnant. I'm not sure how it happened, I had never wanted to ask, but then they told me. I was not the first child, I was the second. The first child was a miscarriage; they were so over stricken with grief they had to have a child to fix this problem. I was born a few weeks after my mother's 18th birthday. She dropped all of her hopes and dreams, just so I could be born. Why would someone be so hard-pressed to start a family at such a young age? Why chose to do it with a boyfriend she had for just months? Do not most of these scenarios end with a single mother or god forbid an abortion?

My mother's father died when she was 12. Her mother was a full-blown schizophrenic who quit her job as a nurse when her husband died. They lived off the pension from the army, it was more than enough. She was impressionable and her bubble had burst. Turning into a born-again christian to comfort her fears, and evidently a "bad boy". I am incredibly thankful that I am alive, it is the greatest gift, but I have always had some sort of guilt of my existence. They CHOSE to conceive me, but I still feel the weight of what I put upon them. Food stamps, working at fast food, living in a trailer, that was their life. Dedicated to me? I could be full of myself, but they took responsibility and did their best.

My younger sister is the bigger mystery. She has always been shy-ish and did not have too many friends until last year. It is strange because I'm not sure where she lands politically. I know that my parents are strict conservatives, but my sister could be anywhere in the ballpark. She recently came out as a lesbian though so I'm sure its more on the liberal side, even though she still would screw me over if she found my pot. She is in the 9th grade and receives D's. I honestly don't know much more other than her behavior traits. There is literally zero communication. Little communication seems to be a theme I'd imagine.

Enough about them though, right? I'm the main fucking character, and they are just there to lay out my options and influence most everything I do directly or indirectly. I received a heavily sheltered life and I was always religious and loved Jesus. Well semi-strict. I could watch as much violence as I wanted, but I am not allowed to leave the house or see anything sexual. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Pope. God, Angels, Church. I was a Christ-warrior. My mother, my sister, and I converted to Catholicism during my 7th grade year, but it wasn't until 9th grade that it really started to hit me. I hated all these sins and I had thought I had the key to salvation. I had even wanted to become a Catholic Priest. I remember just spending my time studying, playing MMOs, reading religious texts, and listening to religious music. I looked down on cursing, even though it was very frequent in my house. Sexual sins were the worst and since I wanted to be a priest any interactions with the opposite sex were bound to be inappropriate.

Obviously I still failed when it came to masturbation, but boy did I beat my self up about it. Confession time was one of the happiest times of my life. Telling the 50 something representative of God that I play with my ding-a-ling. Being obese doesn't help with relationships either, but that is something I am trying to cure. I've been on some weird soup diet, and I hope that I lose weight so I can be healthy and be happier about my image.

I should just fast forward to when shit hit the fan. Literally nothing interesting happened for those first 3 years of high school. I didn't think for myself, I got along with my parents, and believed what I believed. I was happy. Hell, I even got to go to a catholic school for two months, that was a blast. I even took 2 religion classes! Anyway it was around November last year? I can't believe it has been over a year. I was questioning my faith. I can't really think of a certain event that made me ponder it. By the time it had happened it was already half way done. I remember sitting on my bed on my 18th birthday fighting back agnostic thoughts until one slipped, "you don't believe in God". I cried and went to bed. Everyone I considered my friends. Everyone I considered an ally was an agnostic or atheist. It was killing me, what was I doing? Judge a man by the company he keeps, and my company are heathens that do drugs.

Maybe I was too sheltered, I hadn't noticed what this world was up to. I was in my bubble. It kept me happy, fed, and gave me purpose. By January I was a closet-atheist and a closet-pot smoker. It was all too much for me. I lost my guidelines, my structures, my thought process was or maybe still based on a corrupted version of my prior self. This conflicts with my family. I have not told them anything, I confided in the comfort of one close friend. Everything I went through was told to him. I was a basket-case, I was depressed, and I wanted answers. Fighting occurred daily with my mother and father. I wanted to go out and be more mature, but they forced me to stay inside. my curfew was 8pm and I could only sleep over at somebodies house twice a week. I broke the rules and fought against them in the least aggressive manner I could think of for nearly 6 months. I could go into detail, but it's too much effort. If you can relate you can relate, if not, then you still can see what is happening.

Well by April I had decided enough was enough and I need to start preparing to move out in the summer. I went up to a friend's apartment in Philadelphia to check out the housing there and inquire about the colleges around there. Well you can decide for yourself what your parents would think of you running to Philadelphia for 3 days from a small town, to attempt to begin a new life away from them. They freaked out and hacked/stole all my stuff. I came back to a bed, and the most terrifying conversation I have ever had in my life. They found out I smoked marijuana through email notifications from facebook. I, smoking 4-5 times a month was an "addict". I got trapped in my bedroom, feeling like the worst person in the world, and had regular conferences with the guidance team and vice principal. Mind you, my entire HS career I had a total of 3 detentions and the staff did not even know who I was. In short, I got treated life a juvenile delinquent when it was everything that I hated.

I couldn't look up to my father as a role model. The actions he had done throughout his life, his personality, the constant fighting. We were tearing each other apart in front of our own eyes. My mother simply cried every night thinking she had failed as a mother. I told my parents I was pressured, I had to end contact with everyone for 2 months and did nothing socially. I had no phone, computer or gaming consoles. I only had books, 60 tv channels and my mind. I could have kept disobeying, but the pain I gave my parents was even too much for me to handle at this point, so I obeyed. I played along for 2 months pretending like I would stay, when I was in reality planning my escape. I remember crying every night about random shit. I had nobody to look to now, no god, no family, no friends, fuck... even the school took my parents biased, religious interpretations of my actions. Of course the staff pandered to me and just thought I was another generic fuck up. Meh, fuck up. There are no generic fuck ups.

I left in July, to a sobbing mother. I was going to be happy alone. I was going to do what I wanted because I wanted to do it. It's my life, I will decide how it turns out. I moved to Philadelphia with two of my friends. I got a job at target and was applying to CCP. I was preparing a life for myself, on my own accord. During this time my sister came out as a lesbian. Another disappointment to my family. My mother had texted me over 10,000 times in a 2 month time span and called me what seems like at least 20 times a day. She had failed as her job as a mother. In her eyes. Her once religious son is now living far away close to no family. None of my family supported my actions and I was ostracized from most of the extending family. I didn't stay in Philadelphia too long. I drank a lot, cried a lot, and worked a lot. I couldn't go on with my family, especially my mother, being such a train wreck. I needed an excuse to come back so I hinted it. They offered to pay for 100% of my college loans and that was the catalyst for my eventual return.

I have no rules anymore. I can do whatever I want, and I am about to begin my college life within two months hopefully. The 900 pound Gorilla is apparent though. I am teased nearly everyday for being a pot head and it has become the proverbial "don't let me see it, and I'll ignore it". DON'T LET ME SEE IT AND I WILL IGNORE IT. I WILL IGNORE IT. I WILL IGNORE IT. Avoid the conversation, avoid the conflict, keep unity through lies. My sister is 15 and an active lesbian. It is only a matter of time before she finds a girlfriend and that fight picks up. It will be the same conflict of interest as I went through, but I fear it will be worse for her. I didn't rebel until I was 18, she would have to go through the hate for at least 3 years. That is a long time for store that much tension.

My views are so different from my parents that I lie to continue the quiet peace. I have turned into a liberal, while my parents are still strict conservatives. I just have to ask myself when am I going to come clean with my life? Fuck, I smoke pot nearly daily, I am a social liberal and I am very curious of psychedelics. I cannot possibly live a double-life forever, and there might be an eventual explosion anyway because of my sister's "immoral lifestyle". It is a powder keg waiting to blow that will destroy and scatter my family more than I could ever imagine, and I am scared.

I can't really think of much more to say. I told myself that I had to write this all in one sitting so I'm pretty wrecked at the moment. I am an impressionable person who wants to know the purpose of the world. I am not a sad person anymore, and generally I am optimistic of my future. It is just my family relationship that I am sad about. I wish I could explain to them my views, but I hear the way they speak about about liberal relatives. I do not want to be in that same picture. In essence, I want their approval even though I know I will never receive it. I cannot fault my parents for their religious beliefs at this point in their lives. It was rough trying to rewire 18 years of life, I cannot imagine trying to rethink 40 years of life. The longer you stay in the concept of backwards thinking the harder it is to escape from it. Who knows what I would be capable of if I had starting "thinking" before my senior year. Still, who knows the trials I would have to go through. In the end umm, tits and stuff and have a good day. I don't have anything else to say. If you have questions please do ask...

tl;dr BLAH BLAH BLAH EMO EMO EMO BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M AN ATHEIST BLAH BLAH BLAH MY FAMILY IS A TRAIN-WRECK BLAH BLAH BLAH.

 

Maybe I do, I just wish some magic would happen and I didn't have to.

I'm not sure why I never really talk to my sister. We just don't seem to have that much in common and pretty much ignore each other. idk, maybe it would be a good thing to talk to her, but after this long there is a good possibility it will be resisted.

 

comments in bold.

 

thanks man It's like I know the answers I just need someone to tell me the same thing.