A few more funnies for ya!

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by AmsterdamdreamN, Apr 1, 2003.

  1. I sure hope you like these!

    A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can't stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don't smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted twice since I've been here in your office, but you didn't even notice."

    "I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week."

    The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts reek."

    The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let's work on your hearing."
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    A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

    "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

    The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the f'n brakes on that truck."
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    a man is concerned he is becoming impotent and goes to see a specialist. the doc tells him he has a cure for him. it's a new procedure they're using in africa.
    you take the muscles from an elephants trunk and insert them in the base of your penis.
    the man thinks it over and figures what the hell and has the procedure.
    after everything has healed, he decides to try his new member out and calls up an old girlfriend and asks her to dinner. about 15 minutes into the meal the man feels a strange sensation in his crotch and is shocked to see his penis emerge from his pants and slap on the table, grab a dinner roll, then dissappear back in his trousers. the woman is amazed by what just happened, but once she composed herself, she asked if he could do it again. the man looked back at her with a tear streaming down his face, and said well i'll try, but i don't know if i can handle having another dinner roll shoved up my ass.
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    An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

    Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers -- why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the housekeeping money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!".

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "gods sake wuman! Whit ye got na knickers on fur?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency wuman, here's a comb, gon tidy yersel up a bit!" No offense to any Scottish people out there

    Hope you enjoy. Let me know if I ever go to far.
     
  2. none taken.......i changed it a little for the Scotch speach.....hope you don't mind......they were all funny.....keep up the good work......Peace out......Sid
     

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