Holy hell...

Well, just as summer began so did my my relationship with psychedelics. It started off with about 2g's of mushrooms at a friends house one night. That night was absolutely amazing. I tripped pretty hard and got very close with all the people there. We were all friends before that event, but the mushrooms took our relationship to a whole new level. About two weeks after that, I did mushrooms again with almost the same group of people. That time I took about 1/8 and tripped VERY hard. I was amazed at what my brain could do with a little chemical prodding and poking. We were all still very close friends and everything was going just great.

A week after that, I had my first experience with LSD. Two friends and I went to a local park and took two hits each. We all tripped fairly hard and had a wonderful time. That night, as the acid was wearing off, I had a very long conversation with someone who I'd call my closest friend. We talked for about 3 hours and I came to many great conclusions about my past experiences and the direction I was headed. That was just about the peak of my life. Just sitting and talking, but feeling so comfortable that I could share absolutely anything at all and not feel shame, judgment, or guilt.

Only two days after that I did acid again, but that time I did it alone at my house. I only took one hit, so it wasn't very intense, but some of the realizations I came to were just plain horrible. Towards the end of that experience, I got very paranoid about being abandoned by my close friends and that my life would amount to nothing but a waste. It was a really awful mental trap I was caught in, but talking to a friend helped a lot. She actually sent me a picture of a beautiful flower that I still have today. I'd call it my safety item. It pulled me right out of the bad thought pattern I was in and sent me back into the wonderful acid space I love so much.

After that, I started doing a LOT of drugs. From weed to LSD to percosets to amphetamine and back. It wasn't the healthiest time in my life, but it certainly was lots of fun. This only lasted for a few weeks, but it was really intense and seemed like months. I'm fairly sure this little binge had very harmful affects on my body and mind, but I seem to have gotten over them, or at least the physical ones.

Now, the real problem started happening only a week ago. Last Wednesday, I decided to trip alone at home. I took three tabs and sat in my bed listening to music waiting for it to kick in. Just as I started feeling it, I decided to go for a bike ride. Now, I've been a pretty avid cyclist for a few years, so I've got a very nice road bike. I hopped on that and just started going. The experience I had on that bike was nothing short of incredible. The feeling of putting every last drop of energy I had into peddling and pushing was simply mind blowing. I felt raw energy traveling through my veins and my bones felt like they were shaking. Apart from all these amazing physical sensations I was experiencing, the visuals were growing more intense with each pump of my legs. The houses on either side of me were turning into gothic mansions and the trees were bending and twisting into different animals and would sometimes come out at me. This part was rather frightening, but I loved it none the less. As I got back to my house, I collapsed on the floor in my room listening to Devendra Banhart. The words in his songs meant SO much to me I can't even describe it. I felt all my emotions leaving my body and floating about the room like smoke. After about an hour of laying on the ground in wonder and amazement, I decided to take a shower. Now, I've heard that taking a shower on LSD is an amazing experience, but I was not prepared at all for what happened. The feeling of water on my skin was orgasmic and the steam was morphing into faces and words in mid-air. At one point, I sat down crosslegged and closed my eyes in meditation. During this, I felt my soul or spirit rise up from between my lungs and leave my body. I felt it hover in front of my face for a few seconds, then shoot right down the drain of the shower. This shocked me. I felt I had lost the only thing that made me human. After all that, I got dressed and calmed down a bit. The trip slowly came to an end, but I was still shocked at what had happened.


That was a week ago. Now, Monday, a friend and I decided to go see Superbad. We were going to see the 8:20 show, but we were in the town center at about 6:30 at the time. I figured since we had so much time to kill that I'd pick up some acid for later that week. Well, I picked up 25 tabs. While we were sitting there in Panera Bread killing time, we got the idea to each drop a tab and then go to the movie. Well, we did this and it turned out to be awesome. The movie was hilarious, but it seemed a little TOO real. After that, he stayed at my house for the night and we got some rest. We woke up Tuesday morning to two tabs under the tongue and some cartoons on TV. Those two tabs were quickly followed by another each, and then those were followed closely by another 1 1/2 each. Needless to say, we were GONE. At this point, another friend came over and we fooled around with Garageband for a while. What we came up with can't really be considered music, but I love it. The whole experience of creating music was amazing, but slightly twisted and raw. Thats how everything felt, actually. Even just watching TV was just too much to handle. While we were flipping around, we seemed to find the most horribly gory and disgusting shows imaginable. It seemed like the entire world had flipped itself upsidedown, lit itself on fire, and forgot to tell us about it. It was at this moment we decided to go for a bike ride.

Now, it was pouring rain outside, but we didn't care at all. We got all dressed up in sweaters and suit jackets (even though it's August...) and took off. I can't even describe the feeling I got from riding in the rain on THAT much acid. Everything felt fake and surreal. Riding felt like swimming through the air and the rain on my face felt like warm liquid getting sucked into my brain. I was totally one with my bike and my bike was one with the ground. We wound up on a very busy main road swerving in and out of traffic very recklessly. I'm absolutely amazed we're both still alive right now. At one point, I realized how horribly dangerous this experiment was and decided it was a good idea to turn around and go home. I discussed this with my friend in horrible sentence fragments and some yelling. We decided we would go to a pizza place not even 300ft from were we were standing to regroup and then figure out how to get back to my house without being killed. Sitting in a pizza parlor soaking wet wearing a suit and tripping very hard on acid is uncomfortable. It was at that moment I realized how horribly wrong my whole life had gone. I went from being a very normal kid to tripping multiple times a week and losing my mind. Then, I went from tripping multiple times a week and losing my mind to tripping and playing in traffic in the pouring rain. That was just begging for death or sometime horrible to happen. We both realized this actually at almost the same time. It was a disturbing realization; something I was totally incapable of dealing with at that moment, but had to anyways. The raw "Oh my God..." factor was WAY too much to take.

So here I am now, sitting at my computer at 1 in the morning typing this. I've decided to stop doing drugs for a while so I can get my life back together and try to regain my sanity somehow. I now realize I have little to no self control and I've been living recklessly for the past month. It's a miracle I didn't die or hurt someone else during this frenzy of brain mutilation I put myself through.

I'm sorry this is such a long story, but it really had an effect on me and I hope anyone who reads it can appreciate what all this means. Now, by no means am I done with drugs all together. I plan on using LSD again some time in the future, but only when I'm at a more stable time in my life and my mind is ready to handle it. I hope others who read this will take the drug a little more seriously and actually think about it before subjecting themselves to what it has to offer.

For those who don't want to read all that, here's a much shorter version:

I took WAY too much acid over the past month and a half and now I'm stopping doing drugs for a while to get my head back together. I almost died a few times and did a ton of reckless shit. Don't do LSD if you don't have a good head on your shoulders and don't feel like you can control yourself in extreme situations.

Sorry for subjecting you all to this, but this is honestly the only place where I can let it all out. My friends would just tell me, "You're fucking retarded I can't believe you did that" if I spilled all this out to them, so you guys've got to bear it.