The Time I Busted Out Of Fat Camp

lol, i was just reading some of your stories and i couldn't help laughing my ass off so i figured i'd tell you one of mine

the title of this story is called "the time i busted out of fat camp". and as much as i wish i could tell you it's fiction it's unfortunately not lol

it starts off about 19 years ago back when i was 12 years old. you see at that time i was a butterball i'm still a butterball but that's a whole different story

so anyways it was summer time and school had just let out for summer vacation and for some reason or other my dad just decided out of nowhere that it would be best if i went to camp that summer and not just any camp but a fat camp!. i guess he was concerned with my quote unquote obesity problem and wanted to get a handle on it lol. i of course protested the idea telling him that i wanted to stay home and hang out with my friends like i had every other summer but after being shown some brochures and being told about gokarts, karate classes, bb guns, and archery i found myself locked into going via a verbal contract i made with my dad.

well like a week or so goes by and now it's time to go which is right around the time i come to the realization that i want no part of fat camp so i tell my dad i don't want to go and i'm not going. i went but i went the hard way being dragged out my house by my hair and being put on a plane to new york lol. apparently after enrolling in one these things the money is non refundable. doh! who knew!

so there i am on a plane to to new york which was either my first or second time ever being on a plane and it was pretty uneventful. i did however get to see shea stadium as we were approaching the airport which was pretty cool.

upon arrival i was greeted by some extra friendly people who promptly proceeded to stuff me into a van with a bunch of other fat kids like we were sardines lol

from there we got on a highway and proceeded on our journey to camp shane "the original longest running weight loss camp in the world" as well as being "the only traditional weight loss camp on privately owned property". wtf *shrug*

then the moment of truth arrived we pulled up to the front of camp shane which needless to say was quite the scene. there was butterballs as far as the eye could see! frank perdue had nothing on this place! LOL j/k i was actually surprised to see alot of skinny kids there as well and spent most of my first hour there asking people what the hell were they doing there.

there was also some foxy ladies aka hot mommas there surprisingly but they were much older than me for the most part.

the first night was actually pretty cool they had a dance which gave a lot of us newbies a chance meet everyone and say hello. the second day was pretty cool as well we got to go swimming, played a little softball, and i was even given a chance to learn the intracies of illicit candy bar smuggling lol.

you guys think pot's profitable? you had nothing on these mofos!

a buck a bar!

they had it all domestic, imported! these *****z was ballin! LOL

no joke son!

anyways the third day is when it all started to go down hill. i was in our bunk which i shared with a few other kids when for some reason some little fat black butterball decided to douse me with baby powder so i did what i would normally do if someone did that to me i grabbed the baby powder and proceeded to flour him like a fried chicken. he of course didn't like that and started running his mouth and one thing led to another and next thing you know we're scuffling. at that point a counselor appears out of nowhere and starts asking what's going on. from what i remember about him he appeared to be young and buddy buddy with everyone in the bunk including the floured fried chicken lol. so he asks me what happened and i tell him and right away he started taking the other kids side telling me i'm going to be cleaning all the toilets in the bunk at which point i told him he's crazy. he being much older than me as well as being a counselor didn't like that and basically started threating me.

now me not wanting to get rumbled by half the bunk told him i was going to get the cleaning supplies and would be right back but i had no such intentions and certainly did not plan on cleaning any toilet bowls. so off towards the payphone i headed with the intention of calling my mom and telling her i wanted the hell out of here but feet before i could reach the payphone i was stopped and told i was not allowed to call home. so i demanded to speak to the camp director and was brought to the directors office where i explained to her what happened and she said she would look into it but i still was not going to be allowed to call home. i guess it's there policy to not allow any new campers to call home for the first week because alot of kids get home sick and call home pestering their parents much like i was intending to

it's at this point i made my decision to go for the fences! being a stupid kid and not really thinking things through off i headed towards the front gate of the compound candy bar in pocket, clothes on back, shoes on feet. i guess i was hoping the front gate would be open but to my surprise it wasn't. i was trapped! trapped like a rat!

but at this point i wasn't having it so i ducked behind a building and proceed to scan the area for anyone who might thwart my escape attempt. i saw noone! it's at this point i notice a large tree growing right beside the fence of the compound.

now this is a little known fact but alot of fat kids who grew up in the 80's often dreamed of growing up to be a ninja i know this because i myself was one of them. in fact i spent a signifigant part of my childhood running around my neighborhood in a black sweat suit climbing trees, hopping fences, and throwing roof shingles around like they were chinese stars sending my kid brother to the emergency room on more than one occasions due to an errand shingle lol.

so there i am looking at this tree pondering to myself whether i'll be able to climb it or not. it was time to go if i was going to go i better do it now. so off i went towards the tree and with the dexterity of an 85 year old woman i attempted to climb it. lol i actually had no problem at all getting up it but now i was perched on top of this what had to be an at least 12 foot fence but back then it seemed much higher. i sat there for a second thinking about if this was what i really wanted to do but before i could even comprehend the thought i was in mid air heading towards the ground.

as soon as i hit the ground i felt like steve mcqueen in the great escape i half expected to hear a guard alarm sound and see giant spot lights start searching for me lol.

i looked to my left i saw a guy mowing his lawn i looked to my right and saw nothing but open rural country road and off like a shot from a gun i started running!

*enter jackson brown's - running on empty.mp3*

in sixty five i was seventeen and running up one o one

i don't know where i'm running now, i'm just running on

running on - running on empty

running on - running blind

LOL

anyways back to the story there i am chugging down this desolate country road and i'm starting to pick up speed now like a runaway cannonball because the roads starting to descend when all of a sudden i see something out of the corner of my eye. it's two camp counselors tending to a horse in the corral on the edge of the camps property. we make eye contact it's at this point i notice one of them is the counselor they call kung fu joe as he's the karate instructor at the camp. he yells something at me like hey what are you doing but at this point i'm like a bomber that's been dispatched towards russia and isn't being called back! i wasn't stopping! i was so close to freedom! when he saw i had no intentions of stopping he took off after me and started to close the distance. i realizing this and running out of steam ran into the yard of the only house i could see which had an above ground swimming pool in it. by the time kung fu joe entered the yard i was ducked down on the opposite side of the swimming pool but it was too late he had seen me and proceeded to chase me around the swimming pool about 15 times before he caught me at which point i started crying like a baby.

yes it was a pathetic scene lol

i was promptyly escorted back to the camp where i was brought to the camp directors office and allowed to call my mom. after explaining to her all that transpired and begging her to get me out of here she called my dad and he basically wigged out but agreed to have me sent back home.

what i didn't realize and was told later was i was the only fat kid in camp shanes history at that time to scale the walls.

not bad eh? huff huff *shines coat*

tell your kids about me!

the only fat kid to ever bust out of camp shane baby! LOL

to make along story short which can't be done at this point i went back home, my dad didn't talk to me for like a year becuase i guess he lost out on the like $3000-$4000 he paid to enroll me in the camp and i was later told by him another fat kid was sent to the camp in my place.

that's pretty much it i wish i could tell you this was all bullshit but unfortunately it's not lol

on a positive note i've come along way since them. as i said i am still a butterball but i'm working on that it's a day to day struggle lol

nowadays i can be found living in revere massachusetts enjoying life, smoking a little herb, drinking an occasional beer and basically taking things one day at a time ^^

i hope you've enjoyed reading my story as much as i've enjoyed telling it.

geo out

 

lol no shit yo but them telling me i was the only one at the time i found pretty funny.