All Stoners Are Pretentious

I've been a lurker on these forums for a bit but have never posted, until today. Today on Facebook one of my 'friends' (truly I hate him) posted a rant about how all stoners are pretentious. I'm going to edit b/c he is a long winded mother fucker, and I feel you need to read this gem.

I know, I know, it's super fucking long, but I trimmed it down and HIGHLIGHTED the best parts, so you can just go through and read those.

Rant 5: Marijuana: The Gateway Drug to Pretension

Pretension comes in many forms, but it has some common qualities in almost all accounts. There is often an assumption of dignity and importance, the word “assumption” implying that there is often little done to earn this title. Some might say there is a touch of self-righteousness, I'd argue and say there's a hell of a lot of it, which is often coupled with hyper sensitivity and defensiveness towards anyone opposing their minority position (ideological minority, not racial). Ostentatious behavior is also pretty standard. This is behavior that is flashy and unnecessary in hopes to gain attention. They can be very selfish and egocentric. It also manifests in individuals who, while seeking social approval from somewhere, form cliques of people just as arrogant and self-important as they are, discussing only the topics which they “obviously” know everything about.

This brings us to the argument of the day. Marijuana: legalize it or keep it illegal? This, however IS NOT MY ARGUMENT OF THE DAY, just the one that's always in the news. THIS ESSAY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHETHER OR NOT MARIJUANA SHOULD BE LEGAL OR NOT, AS A CONFORMING DOUCHEBAG, I AM INDIFFERENT ON THE ISSUE. As I said before, most people on the inside of the circle (that is, those who don't smoke) could care less about the issue. A few people think it should remain illegal so their children will steer clear of drugs while others think it should be legalized so it can be taxed and regulated. But, the pretentious potheads come up to the podium in their Vans Sneakers, knit-parkas, jamming to Grateful Dead on giant-ass headphones, and shoot off the most eloquent and decisive arguments and statistics available. If only they put some time and effort into other things, like how not to spend all their free money on papers and Cheeze-Its. In my opinion, and I'm sure others have said this before: legalize weed so all the stoners have nothing to bitch about anymore. But, THIS ESSAY IS NOT ABOUT LEGALIZING MARIJUANA AND I WILL DELETE ALL COMMENTS MADE IN REFERENCE TO THAT. IT IS ABOUT HOW POT SMOKERS ARE GRANDOISE. So, moving on...

Before we continue, I would like to specify what is meant by a “stoner” or “pot smoker”. These are not people that have smoked once or twice and didn't inhale, to which President Clinton will attest. It isn't even people that smoke occasionally, or even when they go out on Friday Night. It's the people that spend four or more times a week smoking, spend free-time on research to rationalize their DEVIANT behavior, and would rather die in the name of Lord Ganja than admit anything negative about it. This essay is not meant to be a weapon against anyone, merely a tool in seeing things from another perspective. Let's move on, we'll cover more of this as we go on.

Making parallels to the above arguments, stoners are the ultimate group of people that feel wronged by the system, and smoke their cares away. They believe that while the mainstream society is all liquored up on booze, jittered up on caffeine, or smoking addictive nicotine (and the really screwed up ones like me that get medicine from a doctor), they are purer and holier than thou art because their substance is more natural and not addictive. An amusing argument if you've ever been in a room of stoners who can't get a hold of their dealer. Like a thirteen year old girl panicking because her brother is using the bathroom and won't let her get ready to go out to the mall. They are not violent or militant like other radicals. Then again, try to organize stoners; they can't even set up a multiplayer match of Halo with all the players already in the same room in less than twenty minutes!

The druggies believe they are open-minded and like, in touch with nature, braugh. In actuality, they are some of the most close-minded people around, outside of the Aryan Nation. They believe everyone is so against them smoking marijuana and are being constantly judged, so they isolate themselves, hanging out only with other smokers.

If in high school, you didn't smoke pot, how did you feel about the stoners? Odds are, you probably didn't even know their names and didn't care what they did with their time, so long as they weren't holding your group back in a poster project. If you did smoke pot, however, you probably thought all the students were judging you, the staff and administrators were out to get you and only got you and your friends in trouble, and not much was important outside your tight Cannabis Crew.

Dignity and self-importance is very apparent in frequent-marijuana users, as most of them are introverts who “don't see who this is affecting but me”, after all, the world does revolve around them. They are self-righteous, preparing the Gospel according to Snoop Dogg every time someone speaks out against weed, often in very ostentatious performances. They very rarely consider others; in particular, they don't consider that their actions may affect others outside of their “high times”. They also only associate with other
ABUSERS of the substance and if someone in the group abstains from smoking with them, they see it as an uncomfortable threat and that person is dubbed as an intruder, not welcome back into that circle. They then split off into their own faction. Apparently exclusiveness is a great coping strategy for being leeches on society, the same society to which they say they have no part of (Sick Burn, Braugh!).

People who have a problem with alcohol are rarely open to that idea of admitting they have a problem. Often, it starts as going to the bar every weekend with friends, then it becomes more frequent, and eventually they start going out even when no one else goes with them. Time goes by, and it's cheaper and more convenient to drink at home, with company or alone. When someone notices this behavior in another, they may make mention of it, which almost always is intercepted with denial. After denial, defensiveness comes into play; “I only do it with my friends”, “It really hasn't been a problem”, “Listen, everyone else is doing it”. The gradual nature of the transition makes it easier for the addict to rationalize. Sometimes, it takes an intervention to get any results, which requires lots of supportive friends and family.

So, my definition of “potheads” are people who, like alcoholics, start off using the drug once in a while with friends, then more and more, until they eventually are doing it every day, sometimes multiple times, and often alone. They are very quick to judge other people's faults, neglecting their own, or fessing up to lesser charges, like being immature or lazy, rather than being an addict. If you're a dick every time you're not high, that's just as much a symptom of addiction as vomiting and de-toxing off of herion. The argument that if marijuana is considered addictive, it is one of the least addictive drugs is often used in its defense. Reasonable argument, about as reasonable as saying you're more likely to die if a train runs over you than if a horse runs over you. While this might be true statistically, that's not a good enough reason for me to lay down while there's a mad stampede coming my way. Most people that casually smoke are casual about their views on marijuana; it's the people that smoke fanatically that become fanatical. And intense. They become unbearably defensive about anything even peripherally related to weed, which anyone will tell you is one of the most common anecdotal indicators that someone is an addict of a substance. No one who drinks Red Bull or smokes Marlboro 100s are stereotypically prone to make stupid decisions like stoners are because of their drug consumption of caffeine and nicotine, of course maybe that isn't pot's fault; maybe it's the smokers'. SOME PEOPLE CAN SMOKE OCCASIONALLY AND NOT BECOME PRETENTIOUS IGNATS, SOME CAN'T. Just remember, the first step is to admit you have a problem.

So there is it. The dumbest anti-marijuana rant I have ever heard. I would very much enjoy your thoughts and reactions.

 

A cheeze-it is a cheese cracker....sorta like a ritz but smaller and cheesier.

 

To be fair, this guy really doesn't like me. I'm sure a part of this was directed at me b/c we stopped hanging out b/c I realized he was an idiot. And even funnier, I've seen this guy stoned a few times and some of his other close friends are major stoners.