For whatever reason, perhaps due to a fatal dose of stress, I was very suicidal at the time, I attempted what I could and got pathetically close, but I survived with all the stress and for whatever fucking reason
I just started having seizures
Like my brain was killing part of itself to protect the whole. A fucking cosmic battle in my consciousness.
These are what I take to be "simple partial seizures" basically you do not lose consciousness and retain a lot of conscious functions but certain functions get impaired almost unnoticably. For example the ability to compute math or use language. Sometimes I am unable to speak, If I will myself to speak I start stuttering, and If i will myself to stutter on I end up hyperventilating and oxygen deprived.
I can still type and understand language, it is only a minute portion of the brain that is affected by some trauma, I can't seem to be able to speak in stressful situations and at other times I am unable to move, at least not in any remotely controlled fashion while a simple partial seizure is taking place.
Naturally, I thought remove the stress and the seizures will go away, they are some psychosomatic manifestation, but even as I continue to reduce my worries and stress (seemingly to me) I continue to have these auras, these premonitions of a seizure to come
in the beginning I had no idea what these premonitions meant
it seemed to me like I was getting stoned off my own mind, things got brighter like in the onset of certain trip, the edges blurred, everything became and blended with everything, it was as if some dream, it was pleasant, I was impartial
Then I started having these intense disassociations, Like watching a movie of your life in the best screen available with the best available surround sound, but still only watching a movie
It was not unpleasant, nor was it pleasant just alien
But then these natural highs (what must have been release of endorphins) were followed by these simple partial seizures
I don't know, maybe that was my brain's natural way of minimizing damage, releasing this endorphins in preparation of a stressful event
In any case the auras have become more and more frequent
Even while the stressors seem to decrease (or so it seems)
I get more and more auras and more and more seizures
It helps if I listen to classical musical and meditate/sleep, it helps if I sleep a lot, it helps if I meditate
but otherwise, if I stay awake long enough, if I get too much stress I'll get a seizure
THE ONLY thing that has ever prevented a seizure (for my will alone has not)
was smoking cannabis, I have never had these seizures nor these auras while stoned on some indica
I have been seconds away from losing concentration and succumbing to the seizure, toked up, and within seconds felt much much better, like all function was restored
Look guys, all i'm saying is that this herb is healing my mind.
I am rested, this herb I feel is helping me relearn,
Cannabis assists in learning by allowing you to think of solutions outside of the box. Forgive the cliche, but it is here where it most applies.
Relearning will allow my brain to heal itself from these seizures or at the very least will continue to prevent them.
where I live, smoking the herb is a risk I have to take. Without it I simply could not function, I could not heal. But to me, I may not have life without this risk
I don't know if you dig or what or understand
i'm pretty stoned
I'm just saying, cannabis is helping ME
it is improving my quality of life
I need to live in a world where that kind of thing