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"Don't Change Yourself for Anybody. Ever."


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#1
Key2gb

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I saw this statement in another thread and it made me realize how much I see people say that around here. I personally think it's a rather foolish mindset to have. Please discuss your opinions on the matter...Do you agree with it?

And this does not have to be about boy/girlfriends either....I mean anyone, as the statement implies.

The way I see it, allowing yourself to change for others helps you become more worldly in a sense - you can gain a new perspective. Why would you want to inhibit this - just because you think your way of being is best? To me, that's ignorance. Just because you a have right to live the way you want doesn't mean you should close yourself off to identifying with the ways other people live - you could be closing yourself off to a perception of reality that you never realized you could even have - closing yourself off at a chance for a new experience. If you're not willing to change for anybody, what does that really say about you?

#2
cephaliccarnage

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to me, when i think about someone changing themself for somebody i think of someone who is trying to impress that other person
and in response to that i think that if you need to change yourself to impress another person, then it isnt worth it because if they only like the changed you then they dont really like you, they like who they want you to be
sorry if that didnt make sense lol i suck at explaining things
yes you can change but you should only change yourself to make you like yourself.

#3
ipack

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you should change yourself because you truly desire to change something in your life, not because another person "wants you to"

In the case of the other thread you're referring to, the OP himself thought he should try to stop for awhile or cut back. So by changing that aspect of his life, he is doing it for himself, the girl is just a benefit of that.

#4
4twizzy.

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If you're not willing to change for anybody, what does that really say about you?


i think in terms of "changing for people" its more of a point to compromise for others in order to gain there perspective, i believe that the "change" that all people are talking about are involuntary change/demands to make the other parties happy, not to make themselves happy ....

The idea of compromise allows for others to be willing to see other viewpoints to allow for a different or altered perspective, where as i see change as a forceful move from the way one wants to be .... towards a way that the other party wants you to be ....

yes you can change but you should only change yourself to make you like yourself.


couldnt agree with that statement anymore

hope i could add.....

#5
pavlakos

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to me, when i think about someone changing themself for somebody i think of someone who is trying to impress that other person
and in response to that i think that if you need to change yourself to impress another person, then it isnt worth it because if they only like the changed you then they dont really like you, they like who they want you to be
sorry if that didnt make sense lol i suck at explaining things
yes you can change but you should only change yourself to make you like yourself.


exactly.

i remember saying something like what you (OP) quoted, and if youre referring to one of my posts, i meant it in this sense.

EDIT: kinda sound paranoid (i am pretty up there :smoke:)

#6
KboT

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There's a difference from social adaption and muturing to changing the very core of who you are and your beliefts suddenly. I think that's more what the quote implys. However, people can get the two confused and think they believe their 'change' has been for the better, when in reality it hasn't.

#7
Key2gb

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to me, when i think about someone changing themself for somebody i think of someone who is trying to impress that other person
and in response to that i think that if you need to change yourself to impress another person, then it isnt worth it because if they only like the changed you then they dont really like you, they like who they want you to be
sorry if that didnt make sense lol i suck at explaining things
yes you can change but you should only change yourself to make you like yourself.


but to impress someone is only ONE reason to change...there are so many more [better] reasons to do so, and I think the mindset of not allowing yourself to do so is very inhibiting...if someone wants you to change for some reason or another, maybe it's because of something you can't see with your current perspective of life...in this case, changing wouldn't be to impress that person, it would be merely to see what they mean in a sense...remember, the quote says EVER..and A LOT of people tout this

and in reference to the other thread, I wasn't really talking about him, the thread merely made me think of this topic because of one of the comments

#8
Bobo88

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This is not "Don't change yourself". This is "Don't change yourself for someone else".

The reverse of this is "You can only change yourself". Meaning you cannot and will not change other people.

I think it's best thought of in that sense to avoid any confusion. Because the reality of it is that nobody is going to do anything they do not want to do. The change comes from within and can only be influenced, not given.

#9
Tical00

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If you change yourself for someone than you lose your identity as a singular person, instead you become what someone else wants, and not nessecairly yourself. To change for someone would be to change a part of your personality, if not all of it, and than you are just moving away from who you really are. You change for one person, than you change for another, than another, and eventually you'll end up being someone you don't really know.
I wouldn't change for anyone. I HAVE attempted to in the past, but it has never really worked out because I ended up feeling like I'm not really ME and thats really all I have.
I do change, but thats only if maybe I'm meeting someone new, but than once you have them hooked and that they really like you (or want to hire you, be your friend, buy you a drink... etc) than you slowly come back to being who you really are, just to make sure they like the person who you really are. If they don't, than fuck 'em.

#10
Key2gb

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This is not "Don't change yourself". This is "Don't change yourself for someone else".

The reverse of this is "You can only change yourself". Meaning you cannot and will not change other people.


Right, but if you change yourself for someone else, you may look back at who you were and realize you didn't like it

If you change yourself for someone than you lose your identity as a singular person, instead you become what someone else wants, and not necessarily yourself. To change for someone would be to change a part of your personality, if not all of it, and than you are just moving away from who you really are. You change for one person, than you change for another, than another, and eventually you'll end up being someone you don't really know.


But what is your personality? It is the product of your experiences in life...it is your EGO. It has ALWAYS been changing in response to the things around you, and gaining a new perspective on yourself does not bring you away from yourself, it brings you closer because you see yourself in a different light. You can't say you are moving away from who you really are because you don't know who you really are. You know what your ego is but that is not necessarily you. To be able to change for someone else shows that you are open to new perspective. I never said that you must maintain the change...of course you can change and feel that you don't like it - but to dismiss altogether the possibility of changing FOR SOMEONE being a good thing is foolish. Every human is human, in the end we all have something that relates us (mentally, not physically) because we are all conscious.

A drug addict goes about his life and one day his mother tells him he's ruining his life and he has to change, if not for himself then for those who love him. However the drug addict is only concerned with getting more drugs. He ends up getting locked up fro one thing or another...in prison he goes through withdrawal but survives and looks back on his life. During his run as an addict his mindset was that nothing mattered but his own needs, but now, looking back, he realizes that if he had listened - not only would he have been happier but also those around him. If it wasn't for his disassociation with drugs, he would have never gained this perspective and would have never even known that things could be better.

The analogy isn't great but it's kind of what I mean. People are amazing. If you only allow yourself to change for yourself, you're limiting yourself. To change for someone else lets you into a different mind, one that you could like or dislike. If you dislike it, no big deal - change back - you already know and are aware of how you used to be. If you do like it, you must question whether or not you prefer it to your previous mode of thought - but realize that you would never have even had the chance to question this if you hadn't given yourself the chance to change for someone else.

If a girl wanted you to stop smoking to be with her, even though she knew how much you loved smoking - there must be a reason why she doesn't like it. Stop smoking for a while and get closer to her, realize her perspective on smoking and then question whether or not you feel the perspective is valid. You may come to whole other conclusions from what you originally thought you wanted. But do we ever know exactly what we want? How do we know?

I have to admit, I never thought I would stop smoking...I love MJ so much, everything about it. A while ago I took my first T-break - 2 months - and it really changed me and how I look at MJ. It made me realize that I don't want to smoke for the rest of my life (for reasons I won't get into here, though if you want me to explain I will). The point is...I thought I knew myself and what I wanted...but I didn't, and still don't. Granted - I know where I'm comfortable, what makes me happy, etc...but I don't know EVERYTHING about myself, and if you claim to know everything about yourself I have to say I don't believe you for a second, whether or not you truly believe you are right in saying so or not. Change makes you aware if this - and changing for someone else can be just as profitable as changing for yourself - in the end you'll find that the change may very well be for yourself after all.

#11
Bobo88

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Right, but if you change yourself for someone else, you may look back at who you were and realize you didn't like it


Yes, that was what I was trying to provoke. Often times people see a phrase that gets repeated a lot, yet don't fully understand its meaning.

Change in oneself is like the flowers blooming each spring.

#12
thegreenfairy

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i don't think u can change yourself unless you want to, and if u want to change - then a part of you has already changed and it may be inevitable at that point.

i think we can change our outward behavior, but i'm not sure we really have any control over our opinions or beleifs - so if someone changes u they do, if they don't they don't.

i don't think you should act like something your not to try to raise yourself above others, but omitting opinions or under/over exaggerating to try not to offend ppl isn't too bad, depending on your intent.

sometimes grandma just isn't gonna understand, etc. unless ur just being a pussy....

#13
joe Biggs

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If you change yourself for someone than you lose your identity as a singular person, instead you become what someone else wants, and not nessecairly yourself. To change for someone would be to change a part of your personality, if not all of it, and than you are just moving away from who you really are. You change for one person, than you change for another, than another, and eventually you'll end up being someone you don't really know.
I wouldn't change for anyone. I HAVE attempted to in the past, but it has never really worked out because I ended up feeling like I'm not really ME and thats really all I have.
I do change, but thats only if maybe I'm meeting someone new, but than once you have them hooked and that they really like you (or want to hire you, be your friend, buy you a drink... etc) than you slowly come back to being who you really are, just to make sure they like the person who you really are. If they don't, than fuck 'em.


couldnt agree more.




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