I always said I'd never subject myself to such a personal invasion. I was at a job interview with a job my stepdad was going to hook me up with, and at the end I was told I had to take a drug test. I couldn't back out then. If I did it would have been an embarrassment to my stepdad, who has been with the company for many years. It was a very awkward situation, but I knew somehow I'd get over it.
How Marijuana is Stored in your Body
When you smoke, the Canabinoids (parts that get you high. THC is a canabinoid) are absorbed by your lung tissue. From there it goes on a journey to your bloodstream. While in your bloodstream, it binds with the canabinoid receptors in your brain, causing you to get fried.
After the canabinoids detach from the receptors in your brain, it goes back into your bloodstream. From there it is absorbed by any fat in your body. Because canabinoids are nonpolar molecules, and Fat is also a nonpolar molecule, the THC attaches itself to the fat.
This is the same reason you can make foods laced with marijuana... If you ever make cannibutter, all your doing is making the canabinoids come in contact with a nonpolar liquid, causing the canabinoids to 'stick' to the liquid.
Why that Sucks
Because the canabinoids are stuck on your fat, you have to wait for that layer of fat to be used as energy (fat is the way our bodies store unused energy). As you burn the fat, the canabinoids are again released in your bloodstream, and are turned into urine by your kidneys.
Why does this blow? Most people take a long time to metabolize all the fat that has canabinoids dissolved in it. The more you smoke, the longer it lingers. The slower your metabolism, the longer it lingers.
Heres an example... John is a lanky bastard with only 4% body fat. He is a pothead and smoked every day for a few years. His friend Jake is a lard ass with over 30% body fat. He smoked with John every day. John exercises and is completely canabinoid free after two weeks of non-smoking. Jake also exercises with John, but even after three weeks he is still testing positive for marijuana.
Not only is John a lucky bastard, but he has a high metabolism rate. I'm sure we've all seen skinny people who you never see without food in their hand. You wonder why they never gain weight! Its because they have a quick metabolism. Diet and exercise are the only way to increase metabolism.
How do I Pass?!
Well, it really depends on what kind of drug test your taking.
These are probably the easiest tests to pass. You pee in a cup, and either the cup has an indicator on the side, or you use an indicator dipstick to dip in the cup of urine and test.
I'll tell you right now so you don't have to read any more of this thread: Just drink as much water as you possibly can, and don't exercise the night before the test. I did this and after 3 days of nonsmoking (followed by 3 years of heavy smoking), I passed.
The reason these are so easy to pass is that the people using these tests aren't exactly lab technicians and chemists. If your pee looks diluted with water, the person administering the test isn't going to follow up by looking at creatine levels, specific gravity, pH, etc. Usually its a suspicious parent, probation officer, or done right in your place of employment.
Detection time is about 45 days.
Drug Testing Clinics
For most pre-employment tests, they will send you to a clinic where they take a sample of your urine in a cup, and send it out to a lab. At the lab, they will perform what is called an immunoassay. An immunoassay is basically a test where a lab technician uses a substance that reacts with only one other substance. So if they are testing for THC, they will use a specific chemical that only reacts in the presence of THC. Usually this reaction is indicated by a physical change (like change in color, pH, density, etc).
If you fail the immunoassay, the drug testing lab will confirm the test by testing your sample with a gas chromatography/mass spectrometry test. This test works by separating every chemical in your urine. It will be able to tell you exactly how much of ANY substance is in your urine.
Immunoassays only costs pennies to test. Gas chromatography / mass spectrometry is much more expensive and requires very delicate equipment, and takes much more time then an immunoassay. They will almost ALWAYS use an immunoassay first.
By the way, you need 60cc (60mL) of urine. Thats pretty much the golden standard.
Detection time is up to 45 days.
Although uncommon, hair tests can detect drug use up to 6 months prior to the test. What they do is similar to the clinics... They do an immunoassay, then a gas chromatograph confirmation. Solution? Shave every hair in your body. Although you probably wont get the job if you do that (because they cant test you). You might as well just say you don't want the job anymore (or if your on probation, ask for a urine test, which is easier to cheat).
There are shampoos out there that claim to rid your hair of the drugs, but I wouldn't trust them. Hair tests are pretty new within the past 5 years, so there hasn't been enough experimentation to say whether or not the shampoos work yet. Try it out and see if it works.
Detection time is between 3-6 months.
Oral tests are when they swab your mouth and use an indicator to see if drugs or present. These tests only indicate canabinoids that are in your bloodstream. These are hard to cheat. The only way you'd be able to cheat is to mask it somehow. This is hard to do since the person administering the test can see inside your mouth. So its not like you can just keep a bunch of water in your mouth and slosh it onto the swab.
The detection time is about 24 hours.
How the fuck do I pass?
Well if you read any of what I said, the only test you can really cheat at is a urine test.
Don't believe anything about eating niacin pills, green tea, or cranberry juice. They will all speed up your metabolism (cranberry just makes you pee a lot), but none of them will eliminate canabinoids from your urine.
There are two logical ways you cheat:
- Dilute your sample by drinking large amounts of water
- Use someone else's urine
To dilute your pee, you must drink a lot of water. You want your urine to be clear. Be careful, drinking too much water in one sitting can cause water intoxication. Don't worry, this is very rare. Eat some salty food or drink a Gatorade in between waters.
How much should you drink? It depends on the size of your stomach. I'd guzzle anywhere between 1-2 liters of water, then wait until you have to urinate. After you pee it out, drink another 1 or 2 liters. Keep doing this the day before, and the day of the test. You dont have to do it for too long before, since you only want to dilute your pee.
Just by the color of your urine, they will know that you are diluting and that will raise a red flag. The collection site will probably reject a sample if it is too clear. If it gets to the lab, the lab will see that its clear and test the creatine level. when you dilute your urine, the creatine level drops rapidly. You can buy powdered creatine at any major pharmacy (CVS, Brooks, Rite Aid, Walgreen's, Wal-Mart).
While you are at the pharmacy, look for Vitamin B-12. This will help you color your urine yellow. If your still peeing too clear, drink a small cup of coffee.
Don't take anything to speed up your metabolism before the test. Niacin is bad for this. You don't want the THC stored in your fat to come out into your urine. You want to keep it there. Eat a good breakfast, and keep drinking water.
While you are out, buy and grill up some asparagus. Now I'm not sure if it really does anything to your pee at all to help you pass... but it does make it smell very bad. These assholes are invading our privacy. The least we can do is make their job less enjoyable. The stuff doesn't taste too bad either. It goes great with fresh fish.
Again, dilution only really works for piss in a cup tests. For these tests, you don't even have to worry about color or creatine level. Your really taking a gamble by trying to dilute a laboratory test. The federally set sensitivity level for drug testing companies is 50nl of THC per 60cc of urine. Thats rather small, but to these tests, even 10nl could theoretically set it off and make you fail.
This one is a bit tricky, but if you can pull it off, you will pass.
The first thing you need is the mindset. Being nervous is bad. Very bad. Nerves will cause you to become irrational and you will make stupid mistakes. Suck it up, smoke a cigarette if you have to, and get it done. Thats all I can recommend.
You need an apparatus that will hold 50ml of urine. Ideally, you want to order a fake penis from the internet. Do a Google search for "Fake penis drug test" and you'll find something.
If your a lady, you have unlimited options due to your built in cavity (vagina). Slip in a small container (a condom or one of those large Visene bottles will work), and your pretty much ready to go
A lot of people over the years have recommended condoms, but I say to use an Elmer's school glue container. It holds 100ml of urine, which is twice what you need. The screw top stays closed nicely, and is very easy to open up while your in the bathroom. Plus, the flat shape of the container makes it easy to tape to your body, and the thin walled plastic makes it transfer heat nicely (I'll get into temperature of the sample later)
Empty out all the glue. Fill it with hot water, and pour it out. Keep doing that until most of the glue is gone. Sometimes (at least with mine it did this), some of the glue will harden on the inside of the bottle. Just fill it with water, and use a pipe cleaner to scrape it off the inside. The glue is water soluble so it comes off nice and easy. If you want, you can add some alcohol. I found that filling it 3/4 the way with water, putting the top on it and shaking got a lot of the stubborn 'curds' of glue to come off.
Once your container is completely clean, you'll probably want to shave the area your going to tape it to. Be careful not to nick anything.
Fill it with your urine sample. You want to do all this as close to the test as possible in order to keep the urine warm. They will record the temperature and they will reject it if its too cold.
Put a wrap of electrical tape around where the cap twists onto the bottle. I found that my contraption had leaked from the neck a little bit. Tightly wrapped electric tape did the trick.
What I did was center it between my testicles... Then hold up your penis and wrap tape around your balls. Ideally you want it to be angled down a little bit. The corner of the glue bottle should just touch your anus (depending on how big your gooch is).
Once you have a good wrap of tape securing it to your testicles, use strips of tape and tape it on to anything you can. A strip of tape up the ass cheek, or going around your inner thigh. The more the merrier. You DON'T want this thing to fall out of your pants when your in the clinic.
They will test the temperature of the urine. You want it to be between 92 and 100 degrees. When I got my paperwork for my test it told me the temperature range it had to be (for my test it was anywhere between 90-100). Because the glue container is pretty thin, your body will heat it up.
A digital thermometer will be good for your practices. And please practice. You don't want to be fumbling around in the clinic. Know exactly what your going to do, and then execute your actions decisively.
I highly recommend wearing 4 or 5 pairs of underwear. Wear baggy pants so it doesn't look like your wearing a diaper.
It may be a little awkward to walk around with something taped to your crotch. It was for me. I put on a gangsta limp when I was walking to the place. If its taped secure, and you know its secure, you don't have to worry too much, but please, don't put too much stress on the tape. It will just come right off.
Wheat your going to do is put a few pieces of tape holding the fly of your underwear open so you don't have to bother with 4 or 5 buttons when you get to the bathroom. Twist the cap, and squeeze the bottle until you filled your sample cup. Don't worry if you pinch your ball sack while you do this. Suck it up, soldier.
The one thing I was afraid of was the noise of the bubbles rushing back into the cup when I had filled it up enough. You can stop this by either just twisting the cap shut right after your done, or slowly letting go of the glue container. Same thing goes for the ladies if they are using a Visine bottle inside their vagina. Just put the cap back on, or slowly let go so it doesn't sound like a water bubbler.
Win the War
Write your fucking congressmen! The only way we will win this war is with support. I think there are a LOT of stoners in the US, but most of them are just too busy getting high to lobby for decriminalization/legalization. End the war!