Me, my relationship my place here on earth.

Greetings GC community, my name is Nick.
I didn't know what section to post this in, but since it does skim over relationship stuff I figured it'd work in here.

I'm gonna write this in chunks to better organize these thoughts. I know there are some people that don't have the energy or interest to reply, if you're one of these people please just carry on browsing. Anyway, there's truly nowhere to begin with this post, clearly I can't explain my entire personal experience on point but I'll try to convey a glimpse of my perspective. I would have never imagined I'd write this out, but hey there's a first for everything.. & i am in dire need of some sort of perspective that could possibly help me out anyway, because I feel lost, and I write that with a lot of honesty.


So be me, still with a girl I met 4 years back in high school. Fast forward, she's leaving soon to begin her sophomore year of college which is kind of distant from where I live. A year ago, I tried college for a fall semester of film courses but I really just felt like it wasn't for me, at least at this point in my life. So I haven't gone back since that semester, and I'm not too choked up about that decision anyway.


I'm currently living with 1 roommate in a 2 bedroom apartment, just moved out about 2/3 months ago to (personally) get away from alcoholic parents who own a bar, and to get away from the alcoholics I would encounter often from the bar. It wasn't all so bad now that i reflect on it, how much easier things were there, financially especially. Don't get me wrong though, I love some qualities of being on my own.


Me & my roommate are working full time at the same job, we're doing alright financially, by alright I mean it's not too bad. And we're getting along good, we always have.


Back to the girlfriend relationship, I'm sure some of you understand if you've spent 90% of your time with someone and it all just ends suddenly.. It's not the best thing. And she picked up drinking socially for fun which upset me because something I admired about her was that she wasn't really interested in that before which stirred up a lot of internal issues I guess you could say, she kept calling me everyone she got drunk, late at night and I wasn't in a place to hear that.. It's almost traumatizing personally so it caused some arguments. So she comes back after her freshman year, and she just acts different. She doesn't realize this, but I do and it's bothersome. Maybe it's because we're both just in a different environment and we're socially developing into different people, I don't know the 'definite answer' (if there even is one) but it just seems that way. This summer has been nice though, it seems like we were getting back in touch with our authentic relationship.. but like I said, she's leaving soon and as the time draws near, we're not doing so well right now.. and if I gave my logical sense, I'd say if things keep up at this current rate, it's just not going to work out.


Now (referring to that last paragraph) It's not like I'm saying she shouldn't drink to have fun, you know, I'm just saying that her not-drinking was a quality I originally personally admired because it was just one of those qualities that made my heart melt for her, probably because it was kind of a retreat from all this alcoholic shit I'm too familiar with . I'm not the one to talk since I have had my times, but due to last experiences and a combination of understanding my childhood, I get nauseous when I think of drinking, and I haven't drank since new years.. but, I have been smoking cannabis for about 5 years now, off and on. Mostly on, more on and on and on as I am passing over 19 years old.. but I feel the cannabis is the farthest of my problems, if anything I feel like it's helping me touch base with my authenticity. And I can't really talk to her about this because, as much as I hate to say it, it's just the way things are .. I have been understanding myself more and more lately, on levels I didn't before, and I don't think she resonates on the frequency I do if that makes any sense to you.


That was just all vague background info for this issue, bottom line is, I just feel stuck. Young 19 year old, stuck working a job I'm not passionate about, no desire to go back to college cause either way I'll be on that 40 hour grind anyway and get financially plundered in the process, and when I read the available college curriculum none of it sparks enough interest knowing I'm supposed to be doing it for the rest of my life, stuck relationship wise because I know we're likely just growing apart and it sucks, and stuck because I really feel like all of this isn't worth it, and I wouldn't give a damn if I were a homeless traveler. My girlfriend said exactly to that, "if you were homeless, you'd care", and while it sounds completely correct and valid, I really could argue in my head otherwise. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't mind being homeless.. yet again, maybe I would. I just deeply feel as if I don't belong here, a lot of things have been coming across my mind lately like what is next? what do I do? should I pack up and go? Can I find a reason for me to even want to live? Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, I'm just so lost and confused I don't know what direction to look for a solution.




On other side notes, I'm really passionate about nature, electronically producing music when I'm in the mood, and seeing new places and connecting with like minded people, and interest in fitness.. but.. that's really all I can think of as far as passion/interest goes, I'm not specifically asking for girlfriend advice, just more so about the last paragraph (above). I just vaguely explained some other personal details to give you guys an idea of my situation, anything would be very appreciated, I know this post is kind of a mess as I am, thank you for reading. I appreciate it.