Weed Grief

Probably best to share my background with both weed and grief to get the best responses. When I was 9 my father died. It was unexpected, obviously very tough to process and deal with at that age. I went to grief counseling with my mom and brother (reluctant at first) but it helped a lot. Did it for a few years, learned to accept his death, celebrate memories, and live on.


When I was about 13 my mom was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer. She was expected to die within 5 years, I had no idea at that point, and had a large amount of faith in her to recover.


At about 16 I accidentally discovered through an email that she was expected to die. Maybe I should've expected it more, but was in denial most likely. This was very hard to process at first, and even lead to more denial. Eventually I began to accept that she may die, but still kept it at the back of my mind.


Being a sophomore in high school, and knowing my best friend had done it, I felt like I wanted to try weed. This was within a year of finding out about my mother's true prognosis. I did my research, realized "recent research shows it's not so darn harmful" (MF DOOM), and decided it would be fun. Being a musician/artist/creative type I felt curious about expanding my mind and exploring myself.


Eventually started smoking everyday, and it was great. Spent the rest of high school smoking nearly everyday before and after school and on the weekends. There were basically no negative effects. My grades had actually improved, and I felt like I was able to balance my life and my interests in ways most 16 year olds probably could not. I also believe this was in part related to a forced maturity following my father's death.


In January of this year, (senior year of High school) my mom's health declined greatly. It became pretty clear she was nearing the end. I continued smoking, thinking about her death occasionally, but mostly just trying to enjoy my senior year of high school, taking it one day at a time, still attempting to remain positive, anything could happen, but tried to be realistic, as well.


My mom died March 31st. As hard as it has been, one of my initial reactions was extreme relief; a weight lifted. I had watched her ups and downs for 5 years, and had seen her in unimaginable pain all throughout January, February, and especially March. It truly felt good to know she wasn't suffering. I am not religious (raised christian) but partially due to my marijuana use I feel I have a very strong sense of spirituality and I do feel both my Mom and my Dad with me every day and see them in myself all the time.


I just graduated high school, and Im starting college in the fall. Im very excited, and initially planned to continue smoking for its recreational, spiritual, and medical purposes. I enjoy smoking weed a lot and like playing music watching movies and listening to music high a lot (and yes it's still good sober.) Even homework and studying is more doable high, and not in an "I cant write an essay unless Im stoned as fuck " kind of way, in a "this boring activity maybe can be way more productive and kind of fun, and at least im getting it over with" kind of way.


Just recently my Aunt and Uncle discovered my marijuana use. Being moderately conservative middle class Americans of 65, they immediately jumped to the typical stuff about how its illegal (decriminalized in RI, only do it at my own house, living alone for summer), how its dangerous for my asthma (little to no effect) and how I have no way of knowing how its really affecting me.


While Im no doctor, I do feel slightly insulted by that last part, because weed has helped me to look at myself in so many different ways and truly analyze myself and the world around me and my effect on it and its effect on me. (Maybe why Im getting so worked up). Today, my uncle, an ex-surgeon, said he talked to an addiction specialist. I could smell the propaganda already. He went on to say that smoking weed has clouded my judgement to make me believe it did not harm me. He also claimed that even with no pre existing risk, smoking weed regularly (starting at 16 or younger) leads to cases of schizophrenia (bullshit, MAYBE in young, at risk kids).


My uncle went on to claim that both him and his specialist (HE described ME to her, not that he isnt a good guy overall, who knows what hes assuming) agree that I am self-medicating to deal with the depression of losing my loved ones (saw that coming). I tried to explain to him that if anything Im just learning to accept, remember, love, and live on with the help of weed, and the things I learned in grief therapy.


I honestly feel really good about my situation (despite how shitty it is) because even less than 4 months later, I already feel like I've matured, learned, and grown from what I've been through. Now that my uncle is involved, I feel worse. He has me second guessing my life for the past 2 years or so. I thought I was a well adjusted, grieving stoner using the herb for good. Honestly I still mostly agree with that. I have never been antagonized like this by parental figures for smoking weed and its making me feel like Ive been damaging my psyche with the weed when I felt so good and sure of it before.


I still believe I am using weed for the right reasons. My uncle has never smoked weed before, so in many ways, his judgement is just as much (let's be honest, more) clouded than mine. He has accepted all drugs are bad and evil, he has accepted that he must go to church every sunday and be a good catholic (so he can go to heaven or whatever, nice and simple). I believe the problem is that my uncle is for lack of a better term a victim of mass cultural brainwashing. He's so everyman in a terrible way. I believe it is marijuana that made me see this, and choose to avoid that lifestyle at all costs in pursuit of TRUE happiness, not a generally accepted idea of it.


I agreed to see a therapist of sorts because of what I've been through, to appease my uncle, and because everyone can benefit from counseling. I haven't smoked since yesterday, not really craving it, just feeling really apprehensive and shitty about all of this. After writing all of that though, I feel more sure of myself. I will say all of this to the specialist I see and hope they have a positive response. There is a good chance they will want me to quit smoking. For pretty much the first time I'm considering stopping. But idk. I still believe its done so much for me.

WOW SORRY SO I GUESS MY QUESTION IS AFTER ALL OF THAT DO YOU THINK IM SELF MEDICATING IN A NEGATIVE WAY AND AVOIDING MY PROBLEMS BY SMOKING WEED? AM I CHOOSING A DANGEROUS ALTERNATIVE TO THE NATURAL GRIEVING PROCESS? I DIDNT REALLY CONSIDER THE LINK BETWEEN FINDING OUT ABOUT MY MOTHER DYING AND TRYING WEED. THEY HAPPENED RELATIVELY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. IM BEING PARANOID. THINK IM JUST GONNA INVITE SOME BUDDIES OVER SMOKE UP JAM AND REFLECT A BIT. ALSO CONSIDERING JUST STAYING SOBER FOR THE NIGHT, NOT THAT I HAVENT DONE THAT BEFORE JUST USUALLY NOT WHEN I HAVE THE TIME AND THE WEED. SORRY THIS IS MY FIRST POST IT HAS BEEN THERAPUTIC JUST TO TYPE IT OUT! TYBG THANKS EVRYONE! FEELING POSITIVE RIGHT NOW