Persistent complex bereavement disorder (CGD)

i wrote this earlier so ill just copy and paste it
 
i didnt read it so there may be some grammatical errors and loops
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i dont even know how to arrange whats going through my head. when i read the treatment process i almost feel hopeless
 
-my father committed suicide in his car at a naturepark with helium gas on january 24, 2013. i hadnt spoken to him for a month beforehand, so i didnt see it coming at all. he was always an alcoholic and my siblings said his eyes were turning yellow. i said some inhuman things. i walked away when he asked how wed feel if he put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. sobbing.
 
-ive spent all of my time since then trying to understand why i was cruel, why i ran, why he didnt write a note, etc. i havent gotten a job, or made any friends. i really hate going to 7-11 to get smokes, almost more than nicing out
 
-as said my father was an alcoholic, but he was also diagnosed with MDD as a kid.
 
-a few months ago there was an indecent where i had to fight my mother for a razorblade. i had to pin her because she (was begging for) said if i didnt give it back shed drive her car into the dividers and i could save lives if id only let her"take out the trash"
she has no memory of anything that happened. .
 
-recently my mom (who i live with) said that i needed to get a job. she just kept asking why i couldnt get a job. i dont know. i dont know a lot of things i had thought i knew. when i came to that realization i (i cant compare the pain) was in the fetal position. blinded and thoughtless. i thought of all the questions i had answered and said i dont know(*1000)
 
- a few days after, i lost all those questions that kept me going. i started to question why i have been here this long. what- am i waiting for the world to change? what can i try to make tomorrow any different from the last 500 days. i again tried to talk to my mother(no one else at this point) and i gave up hope. i have spent a year and a half trying to answer that and i had to accept that i cant see whats wrong so i cant fix it. last night(long story- my laptops broke so i used hers) i felt that it was too much effort to even breathe. i went online to find a therapist and a long list of searches brought me to this disorder. i was only about two articles into it so i asked her to look at them. she got angry as always, said that im just "grasping straws""making excuses." she briefly looked at them and said nothing applies to me. i think that i got to the lowest ive ever been. not sad though. i looked at the articles again because i couldnt sleep for more than 20 mins and i couldnt keep family guy on for more than a few secs before i had to turn it off. i watched some videos and i felt like it was really articulating all the things ive felt or experienced. i did my usual 10^10^100* check and i realized that i directly vocalized these to her.
 
-very recent rapid weightloss, severe insomnia, was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and later MDD.
 
-strong distrust in my family. i sleep with my bed infront of the door because a sibling broke the lock and steals cigs
 
- body disfigurement- striae covering every part of my body. when i was in the hospital i needed to be checked for cutmarks. the intern who was examining covered her mouth and said oh my god. im asked what the hell happened by ppl when i take my shirt off. theyre visible if i wear shorts or t-shirts.
 
-dissociation- unable to feel (real-almost) joy. days smear into grey streaks. there was only one sure way i had to feel anything and that was to listen to tracy chapman- fast car. it was kinda our song. it was on loop when they recharged the ipod.
 
- i sometimes dont realize how much i think of him. last night i asked my mother for a glass of wine (week old cat piss) and i could only think about the time i had drank with my father and he just said the same things over and over. hmm he was wasted and tried to hug me. he fell down when i dodged and when he tried again i pushed him back.
 
-i dont know, i feel like ive fucked up some shit in my head in the last couple of weeks. i need professional help. where i am now is worse than death
 
- i can say to you how he died, what i said to him, what i felt when i said these things, i can describe in vivid detail what he looked like at the showing.
 
-i need to put hope in something. when i read (pretty much) the same article again and again i felt something that made me cry. i dont know if it was good or bad. it just felt so genuine and honest. i just dont know if i can get treatment. ive wanted to move on for so long. i dont know how. hes dead. he died. his hands in the coffin were deflated. i could see the bone through the wrong colored skin. his skin pooled beneath his neck. his hair was done wrong, it looked ludicrous. his mouth was twisted into a macabre, thin, jokers smile. i know that i wont have the opportunity to touch his hand. i know i walked from the funeral home unable to feel. we waled in there laughing. i thought that the owner who met us was grossly overacting when he told us that he was sorry for our loss. i think he might have seen too many kids destroyed in that room. earnest. i have no problem saying these things. i dont know.   
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if you want to say anything on CGD i would cherish it. when i was beating my brain trying to find out what the hell was WRONG with me i felt so goddamn lonely. unrelateable, unfixable, stuck. i know how it feels. and i dont think anyone should ever feel like that. go ahead, there are no judging eyes here.(and if there are i got a pointy ol spork > )

 

thank you guys for all your kind words )
 
ive accepted things logically but i feel like i have have chronic ptsd-esque  dissociation to anything emotional. i might sound foolish but all i want is to grieve. time does no favors for me. it damagesMDD and ptsd commonly coincide and worsten, my writing skills are trash(was taking sophomore college writing fall of my senior year. finished with an A. honest), impaired social functioning, severe insomnia, extreme weight change) 6 months to a year max is normal for grief. im closing in on year 2
 
yeah i am a mmj patient and it really helps like nothin else. im unemployed and reclusive so my intake is low. though i guess its for the best because that indirectly made me find the condition. otherwise i wouldve numbed at that point